Thursday, June 29, 2006

On Vacation::

me on drugs
(…and brothers and sisters I need it)

Enjoy your weekend,


Your Drinks for the Week:

tray guy

The Hokkaido
Drink Ingredients
1/2 oz. Triple Sec
1 1/2 oz. Gin
1 oz. Sake (very cheap Sake)

Shake all ingredients with ice, strain into a cocktail glass, and serve. In my experience after 6 of these little wonders you start to really get into traditional Japanese poetry.

Mexican Jail
Drink Ingredients
1 tsp. Creme de Menthe
2 tsp. Pernod
2.5 oz. Jose Cuervo Tequila

Fill a shaker half full with ice cubes. Pour all ingredients into shaker and shake well. Strain drink into a Cocktail glass, garnish with a Lemon twist, and serve. If you drink a few of these you will wake-up feeling like you spent the night in a Mexican jail.

Tropical Kilt Cocktail:
Drink Ingredients
4 tbs. Orange Juice
1/2 oz. Triple Sec
1/4 tsp. Powdered Sugar
1/2 oz. Dry Vermouth
Twist of peel of Lemon
1 oz. Scotch

Shake all ingredients (except lemon peel) with ice and strain into a cocktail glass. Add the twist of lemon peel and serve, be sure to give your wee’ lads some breathing room.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Your Hairy Pitted Girl for the Week:


Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Philip and Maude took a Wrong Turn:

Thought for the Day:
Anarchism is founded on the observation that since few men are wise enough to rule themselves, even fewer are wise enough to rule others.
Edward Abbey

Philp and Maude
(It’s make your own caption day, your going to have to work at it.)

I am in meetings, court and on the road, so not a lot of fun to report. My rash is healing well, but I seem to have taken on a High Yellow skin tone. As always all my best.

Play List for the Week:
bass girls
J'ai Fait Une Grosse Error - Jimmy Newman
Fanfare for the Common Man - Aaron Copland
Guitar Boogie - Arthur Smith
The Hobo - Doc Watson
Appalachian Spring - Aaron Copland
Crazy - Mike Auldridge
One More Kiss Dear "Blade Runner" soundtrack
Joey - Concrete Blonde
Lady Be Good - Django Reinhardt
The Girl From Ipanema - Buddy DiFranco
Little Girl Eyes - Robbin Julien
Without You -Motley Crue
Hot House - Dizzy Gillespie
Hip Hug Her - Booker T and the MGs
Emotions - Brenda Lee
Frankenstein - Edgar Winter Group
Where the Blue of the Night Meets the Gold of the Day - Bing Crosby
Coolin Medley - The Chieftans
Do You Wanna Touch - Joan Jett
Surfer Girl - Beach Boys
Now You're Gone - Sea of Black
(*see if you can guess my mood today)

Today's News:

“Six-pack theft, stabbing net parolee 8 more years”
“If your Last Name is Outlaw, perhaps you shouldn’t try to rob a Redneck Grocery Store”

A 46-year-old Fort Wayne man protested he had not received a fair trial on charges of battery and criminal conversion, but Allen Superior Judge John F. Surbeck sentenced him to eight years in prison.

In May, a jury convicted Ricky W. Outlaw of charges of battery and criminal conversion. On Aug. 11, while on parole, he stole a six-pack of beer from Mark’s City Market, 3230 Fairfield Ave. A cashier followed him outside the store to confront him, and he kicked her and pulled out a knife.

A man came to the cashier’s aid, and Outlaw injured him with the knife. The man then pulled his own knife and stabbed Outlaw in the abdomen, according to court documents.
During Monday’s sentencing hearing, Outlaw complained vehemently about the quality of his defense provided by court-appointed attorney Anthony Churchward during the trial. “Justice wasn’t served in my trial,” Outlaw said. “(Churchward) was unfamiliar with my case. It was a spectacle.”

Surbeck disagreed and sentenced Outlaw to eight years in prison, and ordered it be served after he finishes the other prison sentence for which he was out on parole. Outlaw said he planned to appeal his conviction, and Surbeck asked Churchward to help start that process for Outlaw, who again protested the appointment of his attorney. Surbeck also refused to consider Outlaw’s injuries as a mitigating factor to sentence him to fewer years behind bars.

And one for the dildo-heads or what ever they call themselves:

As Melissa noted earlier in PEEK, from a CBS story: "Rush Limbaugh was detained for more than three hours Monday at Palm Beach International Airport after authorities said they found a bottle of Viagra in his possession without a prescription." He was reportedly returning from the Dominican Republic at the time which, as Terrance Heath notes, leaves a big, gaping hole in the story.

What was Rush doing in the Dominican Republic? Why was he returning from a country known for its thriving sex trade, with a bottle of Viagra that didn’t have his name on it?

From a 2001 article: “…the Dominican Republic is one of the biggest sex tourism destinations in the world, thanks in part to Internet sites that extol the country as a "single man's paradise." Among banner ads for Viagra, members can shuffle through pictures of dull-eyed prostitutes engaged in flagrante delicto with the members/amateur pornographers.

Is it fair to go after Limbaugh for his woes? Of course, just as it's fair game to out gay politicians who support bigoted policy toward gays. Limbaugh inveighs against medical marijuana users regularly, making him a WORLD CLASS HYPOCRITE.

But I like Terrance's alliterative aspersions: These are not nice questions, which is why most people won’t ask them. But Rush is not a nice guy. And when a pundit whose party pokes its noses into people’s private affairs as a matter of policy is caught pocketing pills to pump up his penis, on his way back from a country plenteous with prostitutes…Well pardon me if I’m compelled to prod and ponder why this public personality required a prescription for his penis in that place, and where he put it while he was there.

South By-God Carolina BBQ Sauces of the Week:
In order for you the reader to have a half way decent 4th of July weekend, I am giving you some secret recipes, good eaten. For you Yankees who don’t know any better, you cook your meat with a rub, you add your sauce when it’s done. And I will never tell you my 20 spice rub recipe, that’s why I am a winner.

SC flag
Up-State South Carolina BBQ Sauce
1 c cider vinegar
6 tb Yellow Mustard
2 tb maple syrup
4 tbl spoons of Brown Sugar
4 ts Worcestershire sauce
4 ts cheap hot red pepper sauce
1 c vegetable oil
2 ts salt
4 ts black pepper

SC girl BBQ
Low Country BBQ Sauce:
2/3 cup yellow mustard
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1/2 cup white vinegar
1/4 cup water
4 tablespoon soy sauce
4 teaspoon garlic powder
6 teaspoon cheap hot pepper sauce
2 tbl. spoons of Old Bay Seasoning
4 tbl spoons of clover honey
A squirt or 3 of cheap ketchup (to thin it out to where you like it)

SC menu
JQP’s Grand Strand Finishing Sauce (which I might add is the Best)
1 big jar mustard *the real cheap kind
1/2 cup mayonaisse (real)
1/4 cup ketchup (Red Gold is best)
3 tablespoons Worcestershire Sauce
4 tablespoons brown sugar
4 teaspoons Tabasco sauce
2 teaspoons course ground black pepper
3 teaspoons cayenne pepper
2 teaspoons sea salt
1 stick butter (real)
1/2 cup water (add more if yer’ nuts and want it thinner)
2 tbl. spoons of Old Bay Seasoning
A big pinch of Allspice

One of my Favorite places to eat:
(man, I am hungry this morning)

Today’s Bill:
"When beggars die there are no comets seen;
The heavens themselves blaze forth the death of princes."
Julius Caesar (II, ii, 30-31)

Quote of the Day:
I keep six honest serving-men (They taught me all I knew); Their names are What and Why and When And How and Where and Who.
Rudyard Kipling, The Elephant's Child

I remain, much like the spicy rub on the chicken thighs of your self-esteem:

JQP esq.

Monday, June 26, 2006

On Orphans, WPA Works Projects of the 1930’s and Welts:

Thought for the Day:
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. Mother Teresa

sometimes your get the bear
(Sometimes you get the bear, sometimes that old bear gets you.)

My Weekend:
By John Q. Public


Gather around children and I will tell you a tale. On Friday last, I spent the better part of the day driving around asking relative strangers and a few good friends for money, no not for the usual bail money, but money for the orphanage where I volunteer.

You see I was charged with coming up with $10,000.00, to support the little heathens. Normally, I would of written a personal check to cover my obligation, but they would not accept my third-party-post-dated-out-of-state-check again this year.

I being a man of my word (when it is convenient for me; just ask the Republicans, my 1st wife, Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses) I took my task at hand quite seriously. This task was no easy matter here in Heartland, where there is an audible sucking sound of companies closing up shop and moving to China (and why are Chinese Commies ok and Cuban Commies not, the damn Red Chinese shot my Uncle Gill in the nuts during the Inchon landing, Buddy let me tell you there is no love lost between Uncle Gill and them damn Reds, although he has made a tidy sum over the years singing at weddings, more than working his day job at the Feed Mill, so perhaps it’s a mixed blessing) add to that, that this garden like area of Indiana is heavily populated by Lutherans of German decent and you know they can be some tight asses. My task, dear reader was a daunting one.

At personal risk to myself, I hit the bars, a personal risk largely due the extreme amount of alcohol that was consumed during my birthday celebration, coming near to a fatal case of death by Rumplemizt (Mrs. JQP said she was going to kill me), however true to my nature I soldered on.

Thusly charged, I met my challenge head on. Brothers and sisters there is nothing like alcohol to help separate the simple folks of this great land from their money, especially if it’s for a good cause. Needless to say I not only met my goal I went past it, and for that I must give thanks where thanks are due, to you my dear friends who have an innate ability to strong-arm the reticent and to the ladies of “Boob Hill” a country and western themed exotic dancing establishment over by the truck stop, who donated 50% of the g-string receipts, for this noble endeavor. Never doubt the big hearts of those ladies on the stage.

I spent Saturday, walking 5 miles in a river, when I say in a river, I mean really in a river, neck deep in the big muddy. Why? You the reader might ask.

Well, I would love to tell you but let’s just say dump trucks, Pastor Bob, Dam Flow Control and engineering flaws where all factors in my impromptu river expedition.

Now some facts on the St. Joe River. After my brisk 4 hours in the water, reclining on the shore, a friend decided to call the local DNR for a water quality report. It seems at .200 e-coli a body of water is considered un-safe, that particular day the water quality checked in at .846 e-coli. A fact further reinforced by a friend who is in the fire service, who added that the only way they get into that river is in full biohazard dry suits. Not something a man with numerous open cuts from underwater obstacles wants to hear.

Upon my return (I rode home in the back of a pick-up since no one in their right mind would let me inside their vehicle) My Loving Wife made me strip off in the back yard and sprayed me down with the garden hose. This act of which of course brought flashbacks of my time served inside the Indonesian prison system. After being dosed in Clorox Bleach I was allowed to shower, my clothing and foot wear where however burned.

It was soon after that I noticed the rash spreading across my “tader sack” and up toward my chest. It was purple in color, not unlike my award winning irises. Friends let me tell you, it was cause for concern, for old JQP.

After calling around I found an ER with a Indian Doctor on duty (It has been my experience that Indian doctors are most able to treat my illnesses, being familiar with diseases that are common in the 3rd world). The Doctor posed a few questions about my personal hygiene habits, then he asked if I had drunk from any polluted water sources (no doubt surprised in my command of the Hindi language, at least I think it was Hindi I was speaking).

I proceeded to tell him in detail about the dump truck, Pastor Bob, dam building during the government works projects of the 1930’s and our engineering miscalculation which allowed me my walk in the river for miles. He said “My dear man, do you know the Ganges is cleaner than the St. Joseph River and we throw human bodies into it back in India”.

I had a few shots (in both cheeks of my round yet, muscular ass), some cream colored jam like substance spread over the affected areas (which I might add brought instant relief to my wee’ lads) and an extensive regimen of antibiotics that were recommended by the on-call physician at the CDC.

Needless to say after that I was unable to attend the birthday celebration of Johnny B. Good, who I understand was performing with his band the Flextones, at his palatial estate on the city’s fashionable Westside. My apologies, I owe the man a drink or two. However, I doubt if he wanted to enjoy the company of a man, covered in purple welts with a cream colored jelly smeared across his hairy body wrapped in see through gauze. I know My Flower was not amused.

Sunday, I woke feeling much better. My rash had faded to a dull red with orange rings. I took it upon myself to go to the early Mass and give thinks both for my success in raising funds for the orphanage but also for living through I minor ecological disaster and not being charged. I am Catholic and we are into self-punishment.

After itching my way through Mass, I returned home to find that My Bride had awoken and made me a fortifying morning time meal of Maple Sausages (home made by her Grandfather, don’t ask), poached eggs, rye toast, fresh tomato and musk melon. After which she helped me change my dressings and smear jam on my body which was oddly erotic. Sometimes folks, she is an angel.

I spent the rest of the day catching up on my reading, due largely to some major gastro-intestinal issues. I felt good enough by the end of the day to join Mrs. JQP, M. Chamberlain, Miss Nay-Nay, and Tiny at the Macedonian Road House, while the kids played the jukebox and had a sock hop to the hits of yesterday and today, I enjoyed a light supper of hot pickled eggs, sliced onion, pickled bologna, sliced tomato, hot peppers, pita and Feta cheese washed down with a few Pabst Blue Ribbons.

This given my recent bout of GI issues it was not the wisest decision of the day. I would however like to note that the Macedonian Road House does in fact have the cleanest rest rooms in the Tri-State area, due in large part to the owner suffering from an obsessive compulsive disorder. On a more positive note upon my return home, I was able to finish several more books, since I stayed up late into the night, sleeping in the master bath.

Today, I am sure you the reader will be glad to know that I am as fit as a fiddle, and ready to take on whatever life throws me this fine day. However, I am told I cant give blood for 18 months.

Today’s Bill:

Some say thy fault is youth, some wantonness;
Some say thy grace is youth and gentle sport;
Both grace and faults are loved of more and less;
Thou makest faults graces that to thee resort.
As on the finger of a throned queen
The basest jewel will be well esteem'd,
So are those errors that in thee are seen
To truths translated and for true things deem'd.
How many lambs might the stem wolf betray,
If like a lamb he could his looks translate!
How many gazers mightst thou lead away,
If thou wouldst use the strength of all thy state!
But do not so; I love thee in such sort
As, thou being mine, mine is thy good report.

Quote of the Day:
We do on stage things that are supposed to happen off. Which is a kind of integrity, if you look on every exit as being an entrance somewhere else.
Tom Stoppard, “Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead”

I remain the one feathered Injun, in the teepee of your soul, hear my tom-tom:

JQP esq.

Friday, June 23, 2006

I am a Live-Wire:

(…and I am out doing the voodoo that I do, so I leave you to the start of your weekend in the capable hands of the A-Team. Don’t go changing.)


Thursday, June 22, 2006

Looking and Feeling my Best:

Thought for the Day:
He deserves Paradise who makes his companions laugh.

drunk girl
(I got lucky last night)

Special thanks to the following supporters of NPR:

My Flower, Mrs. JQP
Baba Ganouj Girl
OB/GY Kenobi
Land O’ Lakes Girl
M. Chamberlain “Man about Town”
My Boss, for the Free Drinks
Several radio personalities
Sky Captain
Pete the Fireman
Pastor Bob
Double N
Parker and Connie “The All-American Couple”
The Bitter Red Headed Lady
Phil the Kabala Follower
Adventure Girl
Albrights Meat for the donation of the steaks.
My Liver, you’re the Dog
My penis
And certain members of the Ft Wayne Police Department who Crime Scene taped my truck, complete with 30 min road flares and road pylons.

beach string
(This was just too cute)

Today’s Bill:
Beshrew that heart that makes my heart to groan
For that deep wound it gives my friend and me!
Is't not enough to torture me alone,
But slave to slavery my sweet'st friend must be?
Me from myself thy cruel eye hath taken,
And my next self thou harder hast engross'd:
Of him, myself, and thee, I am forsaken;
A torment thrice threefold thus to be cross'd.
Prison my heart in thy steel bosom's ward,
But then my friend's heart let my poor heart bail;
Whoe'er keeps me, let my heart be his guard;
Thou canst not then use rigor in my gaol:
And yet thou wilt; for I, being pent in thee,
Perforce am thine, and all that is in me.

duck sex
(Those of you in the know, its that time.)

Quote of the Day:
In taking revenge, a man is but even with his enemy; but in passing it over, he is superior.
Sir Francis Bacon

I remain, the wet spot on the front of the chinos of your soul:


Wednesday, June 21, 2006

It’s my BIRTHDAY, what did you get me?

It’s make your own JQP Birthday comment day:


Lads from the Pub


beach blanket

puppy hump

beach pits 5

beach pits 4

beach pits 2

beach pits 1

bra and boobs



odd orgy


PS: I am still drunk.


1chuch sign

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

I’ll be serving tea in the German trenches:

bad girls
(This is a photo of the two sweet girls I am sponsoring though the Christian Children’s Network.)

Random Shit for a Random Day:

Only one shopping day left until my birthday.

My wife didn’t like my idea of adopting a 17 ½ year old Russian girl.

I stopped by McDonalds this morning for a biscuit and an iced tea, this is the third time they have given me Hi-C, not iced tea and do I look like a 6yr. old who wants an orange flavored drink first thing in the morning? Damn Yankees, cant speak English.

McDonalds breakfasts suck.

I have started getting virtual gifts for my birthday, you love me you really love me…

My ex is evil; she eats the souls of babies, well now that I think about it that was kind of what attracted me to her in the first place.

I know you don’t know this, but I have a few fetishes.

If I am in your house, I will go through your medicine cabinet.

If you’re a girl your underwear drawer.

I enjoy finding out the secrets everyone keeps.

I have learned that people are most often not what they appear to be.

A lot of people have venereal diseases.

I do not.

However, I have had Dengue Fever and treatment resistant malaria.

My wife has been hanging out with a CNN News crew since Sunday; she is now talking about going back into TV and becoming the next big thing.

I am glad that in my line of work I don’t have to be a therapist, after about 10 mins. I think I would throw people out of my office.

Mrs. JQP asked what a wanted for my birthday and I told her gift certificate to the Oriental Health Spa down by the truck stop.

My request was not well received.

I’ve been down so God-Damn long that it looks like up to me.

You ever notice how many people pick their noses at traffic lights?

Off to the Front:


Murtha for President!


Cut and Run? You Bet.
By Lt. Gen. William E. Odom May/June 2006
Why America must get out of Iraq now.
Courtesy US DOD (yes, from the DOD)

Withdraw immediately or stay the present course? That is the key question about the war in Iraq today. American public opinion is now decidedly against the war. From liberal New England, where citizens pass town-hall resolutions calling for withdrawal, to the conservative South and West, where more than half of “red state” citizens oppose the war, Americans want out. That sentiment is understandable.

The prewar dream of a liberal Iraqi democracy friendly to the United States is no longer credible. No Iraqi leader with enough power and legitimacy to control the country will be pro-American. Still, U.S. President George W. Bush says the United States must stay the course. Why? Let’s consider his administration’s most popular arguments for not leaving Iraq.

If we leave, there will be a civil war. In reality, a civil war in Iraq began just weeks after U.S. forces toppled Saddam. Any close observer could see that then; today, only the blind deny it. Even President Bush, who is normally impervious to uncomfortable facts, recently admitted that Iraq has peered into the abyss of civil war. He ought to look a little closer. Iraqis are fighting Iraqis. Insurgents have killed far more Iraqis than Americans. That’s civil war.

Withdrawal will encourage the terrorists. True, but that is the price we are doomed to pay. Our continued occupation of Iraq also encourages the killers—precisely because our invasion made Iraq safe for them. Our occupation also left the surviving Baathists with one choice: Surrender, or ally with al Qaeda. They chose the latter. Staying the course will not change this fact. Pulling out will most likely result in Sunni groups’ turning against al Qaeda and its sympathizers, driving them out of Iraq entirely.

Before U.S. forces stand down, Iraqi security forces must stand up. The problem in Iraq is not military competency; it is political consolidation. Iraq has a large officer corps with plenty of combat experience from the Iran-Iraq war. Moktada al-Sadr’s Shiite militia fights well today without U.S. advisors, as do Kurdish pesh merga units. The problem is loyalty. To whom can officers and troops afford to give their loyalty? The political camps in Iraq are still shifting. So every Iraqi soldier and officer today risks choosing the wrong side. As a result, most choose to retain as much latitude as possible to switch allegiances. All the U.S. military trainers in the world cannot remove that reality. But political consolidation will. It should by now be clear that political power can only be established via Iraqi guns and civil war, not through elections or U.S. colonialism by ventriloquism.

Setting a withdrawal deadline will damage the morale of U.S. troops. Hiding behind the argument of troop morale shows no willingness to accept the responsibilities of command. The truth is, most wars would stop early if soldiers had the choice of whether or not to continue. This is certainly true in Iraq, where a withdrawal is likely to raise morale among U.S. forces. A recent Zogby poll suggests that most U.S. troops would welcome an early withdrawal deadline. But the strategic question of how to extract the United States from the Iraq disaster is not a matter to be decided by soldiers. Carl von Clausewitz spoke of two kinds of courage: first, bravery in the face of mortal danger; second, the willingness to accept personal responsibility for command decisions. The former is expected of the troops. The latter must be demanded of high-level commanders, including the president.

Withdrawal would undermine U.S. credibility in the world. Were the United States a middling power, this case might hold some water. But for the world’s only superpower, it’s patently phony. A rapid reversal of our present course in Iraq would improve U.S. credibility around the world. The same argument was made against withdrawal from Vietnam. It was proved wrong then and it would be proved wrong today. Since Sept. 11, 2001, the world’s opinion of the United States has plummeted, with the largest short-term drop in American history. The United States now garners as much international esteem as Russia. Withdrawing and admitting our mistake would reverse this trend. Very few countries have that kind of corrective capacity. I served as a military attaché in the U.S. Embassy in Moscow during Richard Nixon’s Watergate crisis. When Nixon resigned, several Soviet officials who had previously expressed disdain for the United States told me they were astonished. One diplomat said, “Only your country is powerful enough to do this. It would destroy my country.”

Two facts, however painful, must be recognized, or we will remain perilously confused in Iraq. First, invading Iraq was not in the interests of the United States. It was in the interests of Iran and al Qaeda. For Iran, it avenged a grudge against Saddam for his invasion of the country in 1980. For al Qaeda, it made it easier to kill Americans. Second, the war has paralyzed the United States in the world diplomatically and strategically. Although relations with Europe show signs of marginal improvement, the trans-Atlantic alliance still may not survive the war. Only with a rapid withdrawal from Iraq will Washington regain diplomatic and military mobility. Tied down like Gulliver in the sands of Mesopotamia, we simply cannot attract the diplomatic and military cooperation necessary to win the real battle against terror. Getting out of Iraq is the precondition for any improvement.

In fact, getting out now may be our only chance to set things right in Iraq. For starters, if we withdraw, European politicians would be more likely to cooperate with us in a strategy for stabilizing the greater Middle East. Following a withdrawal, all the countries bordering Iraq would likely respond favorably to an offer to help stabilize the situation. The most important of these would be Iran. It dislikes al Qaeda as much as we do. It wants regional stability as much as we do. It wants to produce more oil and gas and sell it. If its leaders really want nuclear weapons, we cannot stop them. But we can engage them.

None of these prospects is possible unless we stop moving deeper into the “big sandy” of Iraq. America must withdraw now.

Lt. Gen. William E. Odom (Ret.) is senior fellow at the Hudson Institute and professor at Yale University. He was director of the National Security Agency from 1985 to 1988.

Monday, June 19, 2006

I am carrying a UFO love child:

Black and white UFO

A few things:
I don’t ever want to get as drunk as I did Friday, nope never again. I am told, I was just a bit more charming than usual, I use the term “am told” because there is 11 hours of my Friday missing along with my right bicuspid and three inches of my left pinky.

I hold firmly to the belief that I was abducted by UFO’s again, and false memories of my behavior were implanted into the minds of those in my company, I feel raped.

Saturday, I was on an obscure music kick all morning, in which I ended up trading M. Chamberlain a rare CD of French Café music from the early 80’s for a box of hand rolled cigars he was holding hostage. After those negotiations were completed, I took my Flower to see an early movie, which was ok, I still would have rather been sitting in my living room watching it on DVD, that and people just look at you strange when you go to a movie theater in your boxers.

After that, I went to a graduation party out in Amish country; I found the place do to its eclectic mix of buggies and SUVs parked in front of the barn. My belly full of pork chops and apple butter, I returned to the manor, feeling the need for a nap, I found myself lying down at 4pm, followed by finding myself waking at 9:30am. I guess that: A) the UFOs visited again, B) my Flower once again druged me so she can carry on her affair with Philippi our pool/cabana boy, or C) I needed the sleep. You be the judge.

Sunday, we went to Michigan, to enjoy a tribal celebration put on by my wife’s primitive people. I was very reminiscent of the movie “A Man Called Horse”. We got home at around 6, when I fixed myself a meal of steak and brussel sprouts, while my Flower dined on some corn flakes (her new diet).

This week is a busy one for me, since it falls onto my shoulders to save all the children, everywhere. So, I don’t know how much time I will have, suffice to say (per an avid readers suggestion), I am going to throw myself a cyber-surprise-birthday party on Wednesday. So, if you have any pic/comments/etc, please send them along to my e-mail I am also accepting cash and naked women.

I remain, hanging on by a thread, but enjoying the view:


Sunday, June 18, 2006

Father’s Day:

bear pit
(I am a Mitchum Man.)

Four Things our fathers never told us:

That somewhere in our late 30’s we would have to start getting up in the middle of the night to piss.

That hair, falls from the head and takes root in the ears, back and ass.

The sometimes it is better to pick up the remote and see what’s on ESPN/The History Channel than it is to try to get a hard-on and screw the wife.

That our sex drive will drop off noticeably and we would find it as a great relief.

Friday, June 16, 2006

She had the hands of a pianist and the soul of a Concentration Camp Guard:

Thought for the Day:
Don't confuse being 'soft' with seeing the other guy's point of view.
George Bush Sr.

Uncle Phil
(Does the gray make me look old?)

Random thoughts for a Friday:

Only 5 shopping days left until my birthday.

Circumcision is Genital mutilation.

I heard someone say this “She is colder than a well diggers ass.”

That someone was me.

At 6am this morning my loving bride fueled up a 1952 “60” John Deere tractor with one gallon of gas, to see how far it would go before it runs dry. She is calling me every 15 mins. with progress reports.

How much more corrupt can the current ruling junta get?

M. Chamberlain started a job as a barman at my favorite bar, it’s not widely known but he is actively engaged in undercover investigative research for a as yet untitled upcoming book.

My wife can pee standing-up, she says it’s something she learned in the Marines.

There was a local-fundi-church father-daughter dance a few weeks ago, called a “Chastity Dance”, I don’t know but it gives me the creeps. 12 year-olds slow dancing with dad to celebrate their maidenhead.

My health has not been 100%, mental or otherwise.

I have to go to a tragic funeral this afternoon; I am really not looking forward to it.

I hope that when I die, they can say “his was a life well lived”. Also, I want an open bar and everyone to sing “Freebird”.

Tattoo John is planning a trip to Japan, to follow the way of the shogun warrior.

We always have the pipes at family funerals, I don’t want Taps, just Danny Boy and Amazing Grace.

I suck at math, but can recite the classics at length.

I also suck at typing and spelling, but I am cute.

Memphis Tom is going though a very hard spot in his life, it pisses me off that I cant be there for him.

I am having lunch at a Korean joint down by the truck-stop with the Girls Scouts today.

I have been on a Korean food kick the past few weeks.

I miss Tiny, his new shift sucks.

Drunken Cambodians at Redneck Macedonian place, really add to the dinning experience.

I am working about 18 hours a day, it’s that time of year, its raise money time, you locals help a brother out.

It’s BBQfest this week, next week it’s Greekfest, they are my two favorites. I love me some good BBQ and Blues and I have a thing for hairy Greek women.

I really want to go to this:

I have weddings, graduations, family events, every weekend.

Today, I am thinking about moving here and opening a bar:

tray guy

Your Drinks for the Weekend:

The French Deserter:

Drink Ingredients
1/3 oz. Lemon Juice
1 tsp. Sugar
1/3 oz. Calvados
1/3 Spiced Rum

Shake with ice and strain into a cocktail glass, look for a rifle on the ground.

Che’s Aftershave:

Drink Ingredients
4 oz. Cheap Vodka
4 oz. Orange Juice
4 oz. Amarillo
4 oz. Tequila
Lime juice.

Pour everything into a glass and shake like the Late John Holmes masturbated, serve chilled, and remove any sharp instruments from arms reach.

Today’s Bill:

Let not my love be call'd idolatry,
Nor my beloved as an idol show,
Since all alike my songs and praises be
To one, of one, still such, and ever so.
Kind is my love to-day, to-morrow kind,
Still constant in a wondrous excellence;
Therefore my verse to constancy confined,
One thing expressing, leaves out difference.
'Fair, kind and true' is all my argument,
'Fair, kind, and true' varying to other words;
And in this change is my invention spent,
Three themes in one, which wondrous scope affords.
'Fair, kind, and true,' have often lived alone,
Which three till now never kept seat in one.

Quote of the Day:
There are two main strategies we can adopt to improve the quality of life. The first is to try making external conditions match our goals. The second is to change how we experience external conditions to make them fit our goals better.
Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

I remain, your flexible rubber band of perception:

JQP esq.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Over served and under-loved:

pantie party
(Since, I am in meetings and more meetings today I here by decree today to be “Make your own Caption day”! Long may the flag of freedom fly!)


Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Free Nolff!

Nolff on a rope
(While drunk on cheap gin served by strippers who smell of Gumbo, Nolff was abducted and sold in slavery to West Virginian Gypsies, I am sure you will join me in decrying this outrage, FREE NOLFF!)

What can I say; it’s a slow news day.


Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Chicken Soup for the Soulless:

Thought for the Day:
Here's a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once.
Tallulah Bankhead

nipple rings
(Your first test in being a Jedi.)

Weekend Review:
trotsky's crapper
…and what a weekend it was friends and neighbors. My in-laws waged the vilest form of warfare against me, biological warfare. I am just now feeling about half a human (which is common for a demigod), after purging my body in every conceivable way over the past few days. As a result, there is nothing to report from my weekend, other than to say I felt like hell and the details you dont want.

I have a lot of stuff to catch-up on at work so not a lot drivel to fill your eager minds with, I want to get in early and get out even earlier.

Today’s Play List:

Black 47, Elvis Murphy's Green Suede Shoes, "Downtown Baghdad Blues"

Tilly and the Wall, Wild Like Children, “Fell Down the Stairs"

Tom Waits, Real Gone, "Metropolitan Glide"

Arlo Guthrie, The Best of Arlo Guthrie, “Motorcycle-Pickle Song”

R.L. Burnside, Wish I Was In Heaven Sitting Down, “Hard Times On The Killing Floor”

Little Feat, Southern Fried Rock, “Dixie Chicken”

The Clash, London Calling, "London Calling"

Leonard Cohen, Ten New Songs , “Love Itself”

Béla Fleck and Edgar Meyer, Music for Two, "The One I Left Behind"

Billie Holiday, The Ultimate Collection, "'Taint Nobody's Business if I Do"

Elvis Costello, Delivery Man, "There's a Story in Your Voice"

AC/DC, Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap, “Problem Child”

Today’s Bill:
Lord of my love, to whom in vassalage
Thy merit hath my duty strongly knit,
To thee I send this written embassage,
To witness duty, not to show my wit:
Duty so great, which wit so poor as mine
May make seem bare, in wanting words to show it,
But that I hope some good conceit of thine
In thy soul's thought, all naked, will bestow it;
Till whatsoever star that guides my moving
Points on me graciously with fair aspect
And puts apparel on my tatter'd loving,
To show me worthy of thy sweet respect:
Then may I dare to boast how I do love thee;
Till then not show my head where thou mayst prove me.

Quote of the Day:
If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things.
Rene Descartes

All my best to you my legions of admirers:


Monday, June 12, 2006

A day of Respite:

No war

Friday, June 09, 2006

More fun than huffing Model Glue:

Thought for the Day:
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
Dave Barry

I have great legs
(A candid snap shot of my last vacation)

Brats, Bras, Bud and Barf:
greman beer
…and so went day one of the In-Laws visit. I arrived at the manor house to a formal reception being held in their honor. I almost escaped detection by slipping up the servants’ stairs but the hounds heard my penny loafers ascending rapidly step by step. With a bark they alerted my house guests to my presence. Thusly, I began my duties as host with the most, and by most I mean bad attitude. I should in my defense state that I was not feeling well, with the current weather patterns here in the flat lands of Indiana, my legs and back have been killing me, pain + JQP – pain pills = a not good experience for anyone.

It was decided that we would take them to one of the 500 community festivals that this city is famous for, so at 5:30 we loaded them up and drove downtown for Germanfest. Now most cities have a German festival in October, not this city, we have ours in June. Picture a tent 3 blocks long packed to standing room only in 90 degree heat, full of people of German decent spending money drinking over priced domestic draft and outrageously priced German beer while stuffing their faces with brats. I predict that one of these years all these Indiana-Germans are going to get drunk and load-up in pick-up trucks and invade Ohio, which in fact might be good for both parties.

One thing I did notice is that most of the German women in this town besides having big hips have huge boobs and I mean very large. I am not talking those beer hall outfits; I am talking canvas bags holding watermelons. I am told it is a trait common to the female decedents of this city’s early Bavarian immigrants.

Next year, I am going to get a vender permit and sell custom made bras at this event. In one week I bet I could make enough to pay-off my student loans. All I need is some canvas and pop-rivets, shit they don’t even have to be comfortable, these folks are German Lutherans, they don’t go for comfort.

We got there early enough that there was no line to get in and only a short line for food, by short I mean 20 minutes. I must say the brats this year were the best I ever had, and the German potato salad was wonderful as usual. The polka band left a bit to be desired, but then again you the reader know I am a bit of a polka purist. I was able to take 4 the four of us to dinner for (with a pitcher of beer) only 70 dollars (US). Someone is making money and brothers and sisters it isn’t me.

After our meal, we walked around the park for a bit and then went and watched the much anticipated parade of the Budweiser Clydesdale Horses. Having grown-up around horses this was not as big a deal to me as it was to my animal loving wife.

Dear reader what a parade it was, they drove the team exactly 2 blocks and turned around and started over. Glad, I didn’t have to pay to watch that, granted a 8 horse team is impressive in any circumstance but it seemed to bunch of hype with very little pay-off, much like my first use of illegal drugs.

With that exciting 3 and half minutes well spent, we decided to return to the manor house. Upon, our arrival my loving wife and in-laws decided they wanted to take a walk. Now, as you know my quality pre-owned knee was hurting and after standing around all day, a walk is the last thing I wanted to do, so I politely declined to offer them my company. Instead I went to bed, and 7:30pm, I was sound asleep and friends I slept like the angel I am.

This morning I woke and found my mother in-law asleep on the couch in the parlor. My first thought was “giggle, damn, they must of gotten into a fight, giggle”, my second was more practical in nature, I have a morning routine and damn it, it was busted all to hell. I fix coffee, turn on NPR and start reading my newspapers, after which I hop on my lap-top and surf the news. I do all these things right where the old girl of slumbering. My Flower came down stairs and went in to check on her and found out that their night was by far less enjoyable than mine.

They both have the flu and spent the night throwing up over priced beer, brats and sauerkraut. I feel sorry for them, the only thing worse than being sick, is being sick in someone else’s house 1,500 miles from home (see, I am in fact a compassionate man). My offer of sharing my breakfast of pickled garlic and soft boiled eggs with black bread toast & cream cheese was emphatically declined, has was my offer of leftover Kim Chi. I was told the strong odor of my morning meal made them both decide that retuning to bed might be the best for everyone. Thusly, I am able to sit here and type this while listing to NPR. One day down, dear friends, one day down.

Today and the Weekend Ahead:
Queen and Scots soldiers
Today after work I have no idea what we will be doing. My Flower and I had wanted to take them to a local place famous for its oysters, but my Magic Eight Ball says that is most unlikely. So, it is up in the air. Saturday, is the Highland Games, a chance for me to prove my Celtic Manhood (at least spend sometime with people I have a shared gene pool with vs. the Huns at the beer tent) by tossing sawed off telephone poles and throwing hammers (and perhaps playing Rugby, shhh..dont tell Mrs. JQP), all while wearing a skirt (and ladies, I do have the legs for a kilt).

After the games we are going to see a former fat man sing with Blues Traveler. In truth, I can’t think of one song they sing and really don’t want to think of one. I know I will be abandoned with my in-laws while my Pretty and Suddenly Age Regressed Wife (she started in on the daddy’s little girl, etc… stuff) does the music-trade voodoo that she do. On the plus side, M. Chamberlain and Miss Nay-Nay, should be there. Sunday is at this time up in the air, however I am planning on dragging them to the early Mass (they are non-practicing Prots) which should at least make me giggle for a few days.

Your Hairy Pitted Woman of the Week:
4 Geo Pitts

Today’s Bill:

Or I shall live your epitaph to make,
Or you survive when I in earth am rotten;
From hence your memory death cannot take,
Although in me each part will be forgotten.
Your name from hence immortal life shall have,
Though I, once gone, to all the world must die:
The earth can yield me but a common grave,
When you entombed in men's eyes shall lie.
Your monument shall be my gentle verse,
Which eyes not yet created shall o'er-read,
And tongues to be your being shall rehearse
When all the breathers of this world are dead;
You still shall live--such virtue hath my pen--
Where breath most breathes, even in the mouths of men.

Quote of the Day:
When a man says he approves of something in principle, it means he hasn't the slightest intention of putting it into practice.
Otto von Bismarck

I remain, much like the brisk scent of Aqua Velva and burned hair, two things you just can get out of your nose:

JQP esq.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Just like plucking hair from one’s ears:

vaction photos france
(I spent last night taunting French Police)

Random Thoughts and Questions on Life:

Damn good shooting Air Force.

Why cant we invade some place cool like Cancun or Euro Disney?

I think that might be part of my platform when I run for President, vote for me, we will invade tourist destinations.

Fried mush is damn good.

I am glad I am not playing Rugby this summer.

I am going to see the Budweiser Clydesdales today after work.

I am told the Budweiser theme song is perfect to masturbate to.

I don’t drink Bud.

I had a sexual dream about Ginger from Gilligan’s Island and Sully from the X-Files last night, somehow bacon grease was involved. .

I like Nova Scotia in the summer.

This is the first week that No-Love-Thursday is on hiatus.

Why is it that suddenly women find me irresistible?

I got drunk last night, why? I had mint on hand and wanted a mint julep and also I wanted to look and feel my best for my in-laws arrival.

I am getting dragged to see Blues Traveler this weekend.

I thought they died in a bus accident or something.

The drummer form Def Leopard, does in fact only have one arm and when he gets drunk he calls my wife (true story).

My in-laws roll into town today, pray for me.

Boy panties on hot girls are at turn on, off more so.

I ripped the crotch out of my pants this morning.

Why am I so damn good at my job?

Who in the hell sets up a summer class that starts at 8am?

Why the hell was I stupid enough to agree to teach it?

Career options that sound good to me today: Deck Hand on a Nigerian Flagged Tramp Freighter, Carnie, Elephant trainer, Long Haul Truck Driver, Migrant Worker.

Kinky sex, Y-E-S

I have a black belt in origami

Sky-Captain got a parachute and wants me to jump out of his aero-plane.

I ate a whole jar of Kim-Chi last night when I got home.

I sang Dixie last night.

I am giving up on restoring my boat.

I sing at weddings, your should hear me belt out “Sunrise, Sunset”. I got some pipes on me.

I just burped mint and Kim-Chi.

My father in-law is a rich, retired, republican, I am not rich, not retired, nor republican, add to that I am screwing his daughter and it should be a fun week.

His daughter is a freak.

She told me this morning she was into role-play, for the next week she will be playing Nun, I said cool, that’s kinky, she said, no as in you are getting none.

I bought 3000 ladybugs.

Why is it hard to find Beech Nut chewing tobacco?

Never buy a home security system from a door to door salesman.

I trimmed my goatee this morning and got a little carried away now I look like Col. Sanders.

The road calls, off to sell Bibles to the simple farm folk of this great state.


Wednesday, June 07, 2006

On the Road:

An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

A Russian doctor says "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks." The Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says "You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House for six years, and now half the country is looking for work."


RESUME: George W. Bush, The White House, USA


LAW ENFORCEMENT: I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is not available.

MILITARY: I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use! By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.

COLLEGE: I graduated fro m Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE: I ran for U.S. Congress and lost. I began my career in the oil business in Midland, Texas, in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock. I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money. With the help of my father and our right-wing friends in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS: I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union. During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America. I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money. I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history. With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President after losing by over 500,000 votes.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT: I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record. I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week. I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury. I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history. I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period. And I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period. I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market. In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs. I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history.

My "poorest millionaire," Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her. I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips by a U.S. President. I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations. My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. History, Enron.

My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my elect ion decision. I have protected my friends at Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history. I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed. I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.

I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts. I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any President in U.S. history. I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States government. I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history. I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission. I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law. I refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.

I set the record for fewest number of press conferences of any President since the advent of television. I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period. After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history. I garnered the most sympathy for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history. Simultaneously, protest against me in public venues (15 million people), shattered the record for protest against any person in the history o f mankind. I

am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. citizens, and the world community. I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families -- in war time. In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq, then blamed the lies on our British friends. I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security. I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES: All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library , sealed and unavailable for public view. All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view. All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.

More news at the top of the Hour:


Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Happy D-Day Remembrance Day:

Thought for the Day:
Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction.
Blaise Pascal

hear none see none I am getting none
(Since its 06/06/06 and everything, I wanted you to know the girls and I am praying for you)

On Skinny Girls and Pipe Dreams:
It was a normal weekend for the Family Public, on Friday my Flower and I had planned to cut out of work early and go see a movie followed by a meal at one of those Japanese Steakhouses where they do the fancy make “a shrimp fly”& “chop-chop” things and also serve over priced sweet drinks in large Tiki mugs, with little umbrellas.

However, as with most plans we as a couple make, it was not to be. My Love had to stay at work until after 7pm, which shit canned our plans. So instead, I make steaks with fresh asparagus and baked potatoes and we rented a movie (The Date Movie, don’t ever rent it, my bet is even 7th graders would think the fart jokes lame). We retired to the marital chambers around 11:00pm and slept the sleep of those who wrestle with their moral compasses.

The Saturday morning, I woke at 4:30 feeling fit as a fiddle, strong in the knowledge that my ribs we knitting back together and the bruises faded, I once again returned to my roof where I successfully completed the sacred ritual of the cleaning of the gutters, this time without a blood sacrifice. After which I showered (rotten leafs in stagnant water smell like really bad ass). With cleaning both body and soul, I enjoyed a large country breakfast my Petite China Doll made for us, it included 6 eggs scrambled with mushrooms, red, green and yellow peppers, onion, garlic, the three cheeses, Rye toast, two pounds of bacon, hot peppers, imported olives, baked beans, sliced tomatoes, and fresh melon.

I could actually hear my arteries harden and clog. Speaking of clogging, it’s a little known fact but I am very well known in certain cycles for my interpretive clog dancing, but I digress. After such a wonderful meal offered up to the alter of love, that is our married life, it was time for a nap. My blushing bride and I enjoyed some adult time followed by 26 minutes of a well earned rest.

As is often he case when I try to nap, someone can to my door, which of course sent the hounds into a state of rabid attack, must kill, alertness. The person at the door was an old friend of mine who I have not seen in some time and he came bearing gifts. Yes, dear reader it was Christmas in June and many thinks were given.

I am now the proud owner of over 800.00 worth of fine cigars and pipe tobacco (yes, I smoke a pipe; why else did you think I wear a red silk smoking jacket). The old friend left soon after I found myself giggling like a mad man has I stored the tobacco in my humidor in the basement next to the wine room, which as many of you know is just down the hall from the S&M torture chamber and my personal photo studio.

After that, my love and I decided to go shopping, I mean how else are we average Americans going to defeat terrorism (did you ever notice how close in spelling terrorism and tourism are?). We went to a book store where we picked up half a dozen books and then to a local greenhouse, where I got more tomato plants to replace the ones destroyed last week and some pretty flowers to help fill in some spots in my extensive gardens. After planting and cleaning up, our afternoon labors done and the dinnertime quickly approaching, I started planning our meal. I chose an American summer time meal of ‘burgers and beans with Amish potato salad. It was about this time our neighbors (Harry and Sally) a cosmopolitan older couple, who met while touring with an English theater company in the early 70’s, and now write steamy romance novels together in both Polish and Hindi, (under pen names, of course) invited us over for a cocktail, and friends that’s what we did, one cocktail followed by another.

We drank enough gin that I was left to wonder, why the sun did in fact set on the British Empire. Summer time and good conversation fueled by gin and tonics, dbl. lime with quinine water, made for an enjoyable evening. It came as a surprise that it was almost 11 pm, when I collected my Flower and began the trek back to the manor house, nothing like cooking a very late supper. Oddly, we were not drunk but in a mild state of gin fueled bliss. After our midnight meal we fell into a gentle sleep in each others arms.

Sunday, I woke early and as is my custom I walked to the early Mass. I returned home and much to my surprise my Flower was already up and showered, at which point she reminded me that her duties as “Media Maven and Babysitter to the Stars” would prevent us from spending time together, but that I would most likely see her around 10pm after a concert put on by one of the current Nashville heartthrobs. After her departure, I decided to share my largess of carcinogens with those near and dear to me.

I loaded the buggy and went to OB/GY Kenobi & Land o’ Lake Girl’s home on the citys Westside and found them not home, so I went calling on Baba Ganoush Girl, down the street, I helped her drink her beer until we where joined by M. Chamberlain “Man about Town” and his escort the Always Charming Miss. Nay-Nay, light hearted banter thus ensued, soon after we were joined by the doctor and his loving wife and their adorable children, and spent an enjoyable afternoon, engaging infant assisted break dancing and the instruction of pipe packing for 7 year olds. Later in the afternoon, we all went our own ways, myself to continue being the Johnny Appleseed of Tobacco products, which were well received by my friends throughout my nine county service delivery area.

Later that evening, I stopped by my favorite bar on my way back to the Manor, and once again ran into M. Chamberlain & Miss. Nay-Nay, I was later joined at the bar by a few uniformed officers, who wanted their payment this month in fine cigars, which I gladly, parted with (it always pays to keep Johnny Law happy).

I found myself slipping into drunkenness, enjoying the conversation with the colorful locals that inhabit this bar on Sundays, however I should note that during my time there I got hit on by a 20 something Skate-Betty skinny girl. Who I might add was way ok with me taking her home to mama. Our motto, is if we make a kill we have to share it with the pack, however about this time my Flower decided to stop by and say hello, which for some reason put a quick end to my getting hit on, oh well, it was good for my fragile male ego, if only for a moment.

Needless to say I stayed out to late, got to drunk, and spent too much money for a school night, and woke Monday to face a day in court, looking and feeling my best. Like I said all in all a normal weekend.

JQP’s Book of the Month Club:

“The Birdman and the Lap Dancer”, good easy read, and funny at times, there is one part that sounds like a bar I use to drink in, check it out you wont be disappointed.

“Skipping toward Gomorrah”, a very well done and funny book about living the 7 deadly sins.

“Cunt”, a book Mrs. JQP is currently reading, she says it should be mandatory reading for every girl on the occasion on their first menses.

Today’s Bill:
Was it the proud full sail of his great verse,
Bound for the prize of all too precious you,
That did my ripe thoughts in my brain inhearse,
Making their tomb the womb wherein they grew?
Was it his spirit, by spirits taught to write
Above a mortal pitch, that struck me dead?
No, neither he, nor his compeers by night
Giving him aid, my verse astonished.
He, nor that affable familiar ghost
Which nightly gulls him with intelligence
As victors of my silence cannot boast;
I was not sick of any fear from thence:
But when your countenance fill'd up his line,
Then lack'd I matter; that enfeebled mine.

Quote of the Day:
Evil is obvious only in retrospect.
Gloria Steinem

I remain, much like the wet spot in the satin sheets of your past:

JQP esq.

Monday, June 05, 2006

skinny girls & pipe dreams:

my 3 sons
(The cast and crew here at PTOAPM would like to wish you a very joy filled and productive Monday, Good luck and Godspeed, we are all counting on you.)

Court all Day, defending the poor and downtrodden, more later:

JQP esq.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Make mine a RC Cola with a bag of Pork Cracklins:

Thought for the Day:
The louder he talked of his honor, the faster we counted our spoons.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

life sized dolls
(It’s no wonder Tommy had a confusing childhood.)

Last night was a subdued meeting on the esteemed band of social critics and poet sages, known as the No-Love-Thursday Mutual Aid Society and Drinking Club. Yes, I went, chiefly due to the fact that others covered my extensive bar tab. I took Coff & Dusty’s advice and invited Mrs. JQP which limited any ass chewing/kicking I might have gotten.

Granted the doctor said I should take it easy, but I remind you what is easier than sitting in a smoky bar (we were smoking expensive cigars) and tossing back a few dozen pitchers of good Union made beer?

Those in attendance were M. Chamberlain “Man about Town”, Pastor Bob, The Dungeons and Dragons Player of the Week, The Bitter Red Headed Lady, Double N, Tattoo John and I & Mrs. JQP. Thanks go to M. Chamberlain for going and getting Tattoo John (I didn’t have the bail money) and the Pastor Bob and Tattoo John for covering my bar tab, good men one and all.

We held a very limited election and voted M. Chamberlain into an unprecedented 3rd term. He first act was to declare NLT on summer sabbatical, yes thats right, no official meetings until September or until we change our minds on the subject (it is after all Lake and BBQ season) which works out well for me because my in-laws roll into town next week for their two week “visit”.

Granted, I would welcome the company of my fellow members of the bar, but not getting my penis cut off in my sleep by an angry wife does have its strong points. On the plus side, I am thinking about having a BBQ/Smoker party soon (at OB/GY Kenobi's house), ie: has soon as the in-laws leave town, that and I got a new recipe for BBQ goat that I have been wanting to try out.

tray guy

Your Drinks for the Weekend:

The Pierced Nipple

Drink Ingredients
Creme de Cacao 2 oz
Heavy Cream 2 oz.
Maraschino Liqueur 2 oz.
Rumplemizt 4 oz.
Maraschino Cherries (1 per drink, toothpick in each one)

Layer ingredients, one on top of the other in the order given in a pony glass. Chill before serving and garnish with a cherry. I like to think of this little wonder as legal Roffies.

The Bald Girl

Drink Ingredients
1 Splash Lime Juice
1 shot Absolut Citron
1 Splash 7-Up
1 shot Triple Sec
1 1/2 shot Blueberry Schnapps
1 shot Absolut Vodka
1 1/2 shot Melon liqueur

Start at the top and work your way to the bottom. Pour over ice and shake like a dog crapping razor blades. Pour in a highball glass and enjoy some summer time love.

Your Political Thought for the Week:
rummy marine

Today’s Bill:
"By the pricking of my thumbs,
Something wicked this way comes."
From Macbeth (IV, i, 44-45)

Quote of the Day:
I guess we'd be living in a boring, perfect world if everybody wished everybody else well. Jennifer Aniston

I remain, speaking with a fake North Dakota accent for no apparent reason: