Thursday, August 26, 2004

as always found on the web, with comments

Rant for 8/26/04 Theme: This week went faster than a seaside house trailer in Fla. The Race: The Swift Boat Veterans for Truth have been attacking John Kerry's warrecord. They say he doesn't deserve his medals. Kerry has responded by saying, "They can take away my medals, but they'll never take away my necklace of human ears, or the baby's skull my wife uses as an ashtray." You go Johnny!

Ok, Sex and Statesmanship
Q: What Blows Harder and Faster than Hurricane Charlie? A: Governor McGreevey! Yes, Governor McGreevey, the man who started out as Governor of New Jersey, but ended up being a queen, is going to be forced to resign. Why? He has misused the power of his office. He should have used his powers to seduce an 18 year old intern in thigh High stockings, a plaid mini skirt, and a sheer linen blouse with the top three buttons undone; her black, lacy bra straining to contain her firm, young breasts. Her red lips soft like rose petals; her white panties soaked with her sweet juices. That's what happened to me when I clerked for Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor. But I always blamed myself. I was asking for trouble wearing that schoolgirl outfit (hey, I know what your thinking, but that’s what she liked). My nipples are still chafed from that bra, not to mention Sandra's clumsy groping with her thick, gnarled fingers. What’s funny is to this day I still shave my chest. Ah, but those sweet kisses... But let's get back to McGreevey. Does he find some sweet young thing To pump full of man paste? No. Instead, he used his powers to get in the pants of a middle aged Israeli guy. A guy who spent his life dodging suicide bombers on his way to the playground, comes to New Jersey, and takes a direct hit from Governor McGreevey's flesh torpedo. Poor bastard… I can not imagine what Governor McGreevey was thinking. But the fact is, that he has this power and I don't. This is power I would KILL for, and he used it to screw some ugly fucking dude. I mean, god damn it, couldn't he at least PRETEND to want to fuck a hot chick and go down in glory? Give his wife and kids a reason to RESPECT him. …and my god, if your going to do a dude, make him at least a hot one, you know like the cute blonde from The Back Street Boys, you know the one, he has the tight round ass, and those pouty full lips, our the college guy who works at Mike’s Carwash, the one in the tight shorts. And that is what this is all about, folks. Respect. And honor. And GovMcGreevey COULD have had of all that. But he blew it... Faster and harder than hurricane Charlie, which happened to devastatethousands of lives and kill scores of people. But more importantly, folks, he went out like a bitch while the rest of us men (and dykes) would kill to have his opportunity and power. That is the real tragedy of the situation. And now, a moment of silence for the hot chicks, if any, that died due To Hurricane Charlie.

The real President Ok, by request, I have to comment.
Steal Dick Chaney Thoughts for the day: Any babies that are born in prison should probably stay inprison. No reason to get their hopes up.

Last Night I meet a girl when I was getting ready to go home form my church youth group meeting, after chatting a bit, during which time she kept touching my leg, I had to ask “is that this person is a slut”. So, after thinking it over I decided to give her some advise, "A good slut is a quiet slut." That's what mom used to say. That, and, "Stop fucking the dog. The neighbors are watching, and it's their dog. Sadly, it was not well received, some people cant handle the truth.

English Spoken here:So, later I went to a little place I know, and oddly, I was one of only 3 ppl in the bar that speaki en-g-lishi, ok folks, You need to learn English. It's only a matter of time before we invade your country and burn down your village. At the very least your women should know How to say, me numbaa one, Joe, long time short time it same money.

Sports: Ok, you know how I feel about this subject, but I got to say something.By the time you receive this, the Iraqi men's Olympic soccer team (that's football to all of you foreigners who don't know what actual football is) may already have won a medal. You can credit it to hard work, and determination, I credit the American military who went in and shot a lot of their third string players; arrested their team captain; and replaced him with David Beckham. Making the world safe,

God Bless us each and everyone

Thursday, August 12, 2004

Aug found on the web

The Rant for Aug. 12th

The News and my views:

Once again the Americans are sticking their noses where they don't belong. This time they've really done it. Bombing civilians is one thing, but separating Filipino Siamese twins joined at the brain? Have we learned nothing from watching X-Men? These mutants just want to be LEFT ALONE. His giant mutant brain probably would have allowed him to move objects without touching them, set fires, or read minds! But now we will never know. Of course, he might have been bent on world domination. Worse case scenario he's deprived of a good living on the freak show circuit, chained to a bed of dirty straw. Oh well, that's showbiz.

Now about the Swift boat folks, seems like one the ring leaders of this anti-Kerry group was fond of penning anti-Islamic and anti-Catholic views on a right wing waco web site, you know the kind of stuff the would get a car bomb parked in front of your kids school in Belfast. Not to mention not getting you any dates for your Jr. Prom in Beirut.

Health Beat:

My friends and family (and at times those nice people from the clinic) often say to me, "You seem to hate everybody, and everything. Isn't there anything you love?" Of course: I love to masturbate! There are few joys in life as simple and as perfect as rubbing one out. Even though I am now super rich, and I regularly bang actresses, models and pop stars who have names that rhyme with hoho, I occasionally give in to the immediate gratification of jerking off. There are no pleas for cuddling, there's no requests for child support, Or awkward questions like; "do you love me?", "how am I going to get this out of my hair?" or "But you're the one who put it in my ass! Also, sometimes when you're fucking a supermodel, you can split those Skinny bitches in half when you ease it all the way in, or blow the tops of their heads off if you cum too vigorously. Supermodels are really only made to be walking clothes hangers, they're not really designed for rough sex. Then you have bodies to dispose of. Fortunately, supermodels make excellent kindling.

But back to the subject at hand (no pun intended). I know you all think that you're excellent masturbators and are eager to type on your sticky keyboards and tell me about the latest porn site you found or fetish video-girls tied to rocks while eagles shit on them as they're fucked by porpoise, volume VII- that you just downloaded. I say boring! Amateur crap! What about your roommate?

Or let's pretend that you have a significant other who shares your home. Sadly, most of you probably still live with your mom, right? Let me clue you in. They are on to you. They check your history folder, they look at your cookies, and they've held a black light over your laptop.And the fact that you delete your history folder every night does notconvince them you're simply trying to conserve disk space, considering your hard drive also contains mpegs of every episode of Knight Rider.

When you're planning on having sex without a partner, you need to thinkoutside the box (no pun intended). The best place to masturbate, besides standing outside of the Today Show, is the kitchen. Yes, the kitchen with its endless supply of lubricants, and easy to clean surfaces. The kitchen; where you can beat your meat and make a sandwich. Best of all no one ever suspects. So here are some final tips.

Greasing up: It's the mother lode- from cooking spray to chunky peanutbutter, Tabasco to tabouille. Extra virgin olive oil is terrific. But if you have a fast hand, it may start to smoke. So, you may want something that can withstand the higher temperature, like peanut oil or Crisco. Do not be tempted to use Drano. I know it says it will clean your pipes but this is not a euphemism. Inspiration: Mrs. Butterworth, Betty Crocker, and Mama Celeste are allhotties. If you like men there's the guy on the Brawny paper towels, the Jolly Green Giant and Mr. Clean. If you're a freak there's Tony the Tiger, the Keebler elves, and the dancing hand from Hamburger Helper. Bonus items: Cucumbers, carrots, and wine bottles oh my! Rinse them When you're done or use them for coleslaw with your own special tang. Clean up: Again, it's a snap.

Personally I like to do it right into The dishwasher, but you're welcome to take advantage of the sink, the trashcan, and the oven mitts. While this advice holds true for both men and women, the ladies get oneadditional tip. You don't need to hide when you masturbate. No one will judge you, everyone wants to watch. You can actually make a fairly good living at it. If you need some help getting started, just let me know, I know a few people in the industry. Makes you think twice about coming over for dinner next Sunday doesn’t it? So enjoy yourself, and until next time,

this is the he who’s name cant no be said saying, "Bon Appetit!"