Wednesday, September 29, 2004

she writes better than my mom

now, this is for grown-ups, but wow....
so, if your a child make sure your net-nanny is on...
for the men, get handy wipes ready,
and the girls.... well, I dont know what the girls would need to get ready
but just check her writing out, hot hot hot....

Monday, September 27, 2004

To-Days Paper, from Big-Bob the Wild Man

Celebrating David Koresh

In the business of collectible automobiles, there is apparently no such thing as a bad celebrity.
Enter David Koresh to make the point. Koresh was a demented, yet charismatic, leader of a small religious cult. He claimed to preach from the Bible, but his addled followers indulged his paranoid stockpiling of armaments and his taste for illegally young girls.

Now Kruse International, the Auburn-based auction company, plans to sell Koresh’s 500-hp Camaro, complete with “David’s 427 Go God” stamped on its engine. Never mind all his followers who gave up their lives, along with Koresh, in a showdown with the federal government in 1993.

What’s next on the block? The scooter ridden by 9/11 hijacker Mohammed Atta in Cairo? The Volkswagen beetle that serial killer John Wayne Gacy capered out of during his career as a clown? How about the Hot Wheels track Timothy McVeigh played with as a boy, reassembled around a scale model of the wreckage McVeigh made of the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building?
Anything for a buck.

Out-Rage at Injustice, the stuff I get in the mail

For Sept. 27th 2004

A friend writes:

Just thought I would take a moment from my studies (the Indiana Drivers manual, my mother thinks I should learn to drive so I don’t depend on her anymore, she is in her late 70’s you know) ….anyway, I wanted to share something rather disturbing, that happened to me over the weekend.

I was once again asked to leave our local Wal-Mart store, and this morning I was presented with a restraining order given to me right here at the front door of my trailer (can you just imagine the shame, I feel like I am on last weeks episode of COPS) .

It seems that only "Wal-Mart employees" can give old people carts and tell them to have a good day. I have been doing this off and on at least 4 hours a day for the past six-months, often between the hours to 2:38am and 5:14am, I feel that that is when their staffing patterns are at the lowest and my eagerness to be a good citizen is of most benefit.

I even had my mother make me a blue smock to help the employees feel I was a bit more of their team. (and isn’t that what we all are, a team, like team America, and what’s more American than Wal-Mart, I mean look at those prices, I have not seen things that cheap since my second tour in Asia, and it wasn’t TV trays I was looking for then, if you know what I mean).

Well, anyway it seems some of the “customers” were put off with my willingness to help make their shopping experience a memorable one. Now how many of you have ever watched old people shop? Its almost painful, I think most of them I have helped in the past few months have enjoyed the “flying-shopping-tour” of the store I give them, and so what if I insist on packing their groceries into the baskets of my three-wheeled-bike, I am like come on, have you ever seen the inside of some old peoples cars? Let alone the smell of some of them (both the old and the cars), I gladly then peddle the things to their home no matter how long it takes, unless of course my ankles have started hurting, in which case I may stop at my home for a few hours to elevate them and use my heating pad, but has soon has I am feeling better I once again jump right back on, and continue my mission (kind of like the Navy SEALS).

I like to consider it a full service service, I even insist on putting them (the groceries) away. I think that most people would welcome the helpful manner in which I provide not only my time but my limitless skill base just to ease the discomfort and/or pain of my fellow Wal-Mart shoppers, and most of all I do this as a volunteer, yes, a Wal-Mart volunteer, the only thing more American than Wal-Mart after all is being a volunteer.

When I was at the center, I had many staff members, and not a few state employees say, “John, you know perhaps you should get out more, become involved in things and maybe even volunteer somewhere”. Well, dear friends this is the thanks I get, I guess its ok to volunteer as long has its not at some fancy-pants Wal-Mart store, I have not had my feelings hurt this much since I tried to volunteer at the Tri-State gun club, the Shrine Temple (to be one ask one my butt), or the pre-school.

Don’t worry about me, I will make out ok! Anyway, my mother just called and said there is a Dollar Store opening in a few weeks downtown, and that would be much handier, I could go volunteer there, right after the city council meetings (I am after all a community watch-dog). Now I have to get back to my hobbies come join in the fun!

Friday, September 24, 2004

Found on the Web for Sept. 24th 2004

Wow, makes me want to rush of to church


"God is Not a Republican...or a Democrat"

Batteries Not Included David Batstone: Jimmy Swaggart tells congregation he'd kill gays

Jimmy Swaggart tells congregation he'd kill gays
by David Batstone

Last Sunday Christian evangelist Jimmy Swaggart shared a shocking confession to his congregation during a worship service that is broadcast to a global audience. In the middle of his sermon, Swaggart proclaimed that he would "kill" a man that looked at him with romantic intent.

Swaggart's sermon is so outrageous that I want to give you his exact words:

"I've never seen a man in my life I wanted to marry."
(shouts, applause)

"And I'm gonna be blunt and plain, if one ever looks at me like that I'm going to kill him and tell God he died."
(laughter, applause)

"In case anybody doesn't know God calls it an abomination. It's an abomination! It's an abomination!"

..."I'm not knocking the poor homosexual. I'm not. They need salvation just like anybody else.... I'm knocking our pitiful, pathetic lawmakers. And I thank God that President Bush has stated we need a constitutional amendment that states that marriage is between a man and a woman."


No matter how reassuring it is that Swaggart subsequently admits that gays - "like anyone else" - are worthy of divine redemption, the overall tenor of his sermon drives home the message that violence against gays is justified. It's a very simple, but thoroughly un-Christian logic: Your life is not worth much if God deems you an abomination. In the same sermon, Swaggart praises Bush for his support for an amendment banning gay marriage - further cementing the perception that Christians can only vote Republican come November. (For some reason, Swaggart doesn't mention that John Kerry also opposes gay marriage, but Kerry simply doesn't think a constitutional amendment is wise or necessary).

How has it become so possible today for Christian leaders to twist Jesus' teaching about loving all of God's children? The pattern is transparent in many sectors of the church. Too many Christians have turned Jesus into a warmaker, not a peacemaker, and justify their position by the same logic. Our enemies in the Middle East are an "abomination."

On a more personal note, I recently received a note from a SojoMail reader full of profanity and insults. My attacker closed his note wondering how I could call myself a Christian, taking the position I do of waging peace in the Middle East at the expense of partisan support for "freedom fighters" in Iraq and uncritical support for the state of Israel. I usually do not take the time to respond to such letters (believe it or not, I get a few hate letters...:-), but this time I did write back a short note asking how he, in turn, could call himself a Christian and use such profane, violent words toward another human being. His e-mail back to me was revealing, albeit shocking: "I can write to you as I like, for you are not a human being. You have forfeited that right; you are nothing but pond scum."

That's the theological loophole for what passes as Christian morality these days. Simply demonstrate why the other person, or race of people, has forfeited their status as a human being, and you can do with them what you will. By the way, that is the same theological loophole used by the church in Latin America to justify the massacre of millions of native Americans during the Conquest; they were not deemed human beings.

Back to Jimmy Swaggart, it brings me to tears that a preacher can evoke a Christian congregation to applause and laughter with such a message. I am even more appalled that millions of people around the globe over television hear this "word of the Christian gospel."

Swaggart has since offered the kind of remorseless non-apology common to public figures these days: "I was unwise in making the statement. All of us have made statements we wish we hadn't made. That was one for me." What's missing is any indication that he believes that there was anything actually wrong with his original remark, which he claims was "a tongue-in-cheek statement best left unsaid."

Well, I for one am not going to let this pass unnoticed. I invite you to join me in holding this Christian leader accountable. Let's flood his e-mail with letters that witness to the truth - not hate letters - that God does not forfeit any individual from the human flock. All individuals are God's children and should be treated with the same dignity and love that God shows to each of us.

Dont know about you, but I for one am glad he is on God's side, someone that stupid and hateful could do a lot of damage if he was on the otherside.



"The only kinds of fights worth fighting are those you are going to lose, because somebody has to fight them and lose and lose and lose until someday, somebody who believes as you do wins. In order for somebody to win an important, major fight 100 years hence, a lot of other people have got to be willing - for the sheer fun and joy of it - to go right ahead and fight, knowing you're going to lose. You mustn't feel like a martyr. You've got to enjoy it."

- I.F. Stone, now-deceased muckraker who exposed corruption at the highest levels of government during his lifetime. Source: Daily Dig

Thursday, September 23, 2004

Lost and Found for Sept 23rd 2004

Found on the Web (keep sending ‘em in)

The Local Body Politic

Ok, political signs in front yards, at my home I like to put out a Lyndon LaRoach for President sign, ( the pothead kid with zits down the block already has a Howard Stern sign in his yard, but hey I am glad he is taking an interest in politics, instead of asking again if he could baby-sit my twin 14 yr. old blonde-haired girls (as their mother says, they are after all little women now,)

Well, last week my neighbor Mr. McFeely, (believe we spoke off him in recent posts) took it upon him self to share his political views with my girlfriend, now, please understand my girlfriend is fat, and as such it is difficult for her to get around, so conversations that require standing make her feet hurt, which in due course I am asked to rub, do I strike you as a foot rubbing kind of guy? I throw-up when I open cat food. To help her I stole one of those little electric carts from a Kroger store (you know the kind you see old people. fat people and people with no legs in when you trying to buy your fresh ground chuck, like really, who needs to see that)

Well, anyway, she was getting out of her full sized van (it’s a custom van, done up just like the A-Team van, very cool), and Mr. McFeely walked across the street and started tell her why she was silly for having a Kerry sticker on her ride, Now she may be a big girl, but she is quick with the wit, well that and she can move pretty dog-gone-fast at a wedding buffet, but that’s another story. She retorted with, "that’s ok, we can just not elect W again". I suggested a more effective way to of handled the situation would have been to, when he's not looking, attach a large Kerry sign to his body permanently with epoxy, and a nail gun. He might be angry at first. But when he stops bleeding, and realizes all of the positive feedback he's getting from other people in the neighborhood, I think he would thank-you. And he'll be a bit more tolerant, which is what really matters.

Sadly she never got the chance to accomplish this mission for two reasons, First, Mr. McFeely was arrested for solicitation of an undercover police officer at a road side rest in Ohio, and tragic was shot while trying to flee, Secondly, and more importantly, because I dumped her soon after their exchange took place, (a story for another post, dear friends) and since I filed a restraining order she is not allowed within 200 yards of my domicile.

Don’t worry dear reader, I am now spending a great deal of time with my new girlfriend Rose, who I am sure you will be glad to know drives a Dodge Charger painted just like the Duke’s of Hazard, and she loves old 8-tracks of Canned Heat, she is however a bit skinner than I like them, and she has me buy her lots of sinus medication from drug stores across the tri-state area, that and she doesn’t seem to sleep, but other than that we have so many things in common other than of love of music, she spends a lot of time in the back room of her trailer working with her lab set, and I love science fiction novels from Peruvian authors. Wish me luck!

The War in Iraq:

I'm so bored with the war in Iraq. Can't we start a new war someplacemore interesting? How about Japan? They have happy ending massageparlors, sushi, and giant monsters. Now that's a country worth invading.

Europe strikes back:

The one thing I didn't mention in my last posting regarding the things I didn't like about Europeans was that apparently they have no sense of humor. (Or as they say in Europe, 'humour'.) I received a mountain of hate mail. (Or as they say in Europe 'montain'.) I really thought that the clever people who wrote in to correct this dumb American would be smart enough to recognize sarcasm when they saw it. I guess I was wrong. So now I really do hate Europe. We've already sent you Madonna and Woody Allen. Keep fucking up and we'll send you Britney Spears. You will have a taste of my furry after I open up a 55 gallon (that’s gallons not liters, you puss) of whoop-ass. And we're keeping Ali G so fuck off.

Holiday Wishes:

This week marks the Jewish New Year. So to all of my Jewish friends I say, happy New Year! That and why didn’t I get invited to your party? I am lots of fun at parties, I have the little Happy New Year hats and everything, and I just love champagne. See if I invite you to my Lent celebration.

Cut and Paste:

You know those things that people send you all the time that say things like, forward this to 10 friends or something bad will happen. We here is my idea, lets cut and paste this and see how far it get around… what do you say gang! To have you wish come true all you have to do is click your heels three times and say, "I love horseradish, I love horseradish, I love horseradish." due add some gross fun things to this~

And another take on old W:

Sleep tight. little ones

Ok, now I had to put this in. I have heard of having a bad dream but this is just fucked.

MIDDLEBURY — A 24-year-old man who had a bad dream about his father later shot him as they argued about the dream, police said. Ross A. Howell, was being held on $250,000 bond in Elkhart County Jail on a charge of attempted murder after Sunday’s shooting. Ricky D. Howell, 52, was listed in stable condition Monday night after surgery at Elkhart General Hospital. The elder Howell called 911 about 9:30 p.m. Sunday after his son shot him in the abdomen with a .22-caliber pistol, said Capt. Jeff Siegel, a county police detective. Siegel said Ross Howell told officers at the scene that he had shot his father. “The son had had a dream about Dad and they got into an altercation about the dream,” Siegel said. The argument began inside the home shared by the two men and moved outside after Ross Howell retrieved a gun from upstairs, police said. Siegel would not disclose the content of Howell’s dream.

Ok, I have to ask, what would of happened if he wet the bed? makes you think doesnt it?

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

todays thoughts from a fat girl

God I love being a lady. My favorite part is my vagina. Mine is incredibly
wide and dizzyingly deep. My favorite part about having a vagina is
menstruating. Sometimes when I'm putting in my tampon, I look at the little
string hanging out and pretend it's a mouse's tail. I run out of the
bathroom naked and yell, "Help! Help! There's a mouse in my vagina! This
usually gets a big laugh- especially if I'm at the office, or the mall, or
on an airplane.

Sometimes I pretend the string is a fuse, and that if I light it a special
bomb will go off in my vagina and my period will be over. For any of you
who are curious, this is not what happens when you light the string on your
tampon. Even if you have soaked the tampon in kerosene overnight. Trust me
I've tried it almost a dozen times without success. It does however work
when you use a combination of potassium chlorate, table sugar and a small
drop of sulfuric acid.

I like to employ my used tampons to make "vampire soup". I got the recipe
from 'Martha Stewart's Living'- although I use fresh basil. We bring it
down to the homeless shelter and they lap it up! I also serve it at slumber
parties when my girlfriends come over to watch 'Angel'. It just makes
everything so much more authentic. After that we normally run around the
house in our bras and panties and have tickle fights. Then we practice our
French kissing on each other.

I don't let any of the girls go down on me during my period. They have to
settle for tonguing my brown starfish. But my boyfriend is another story.
I like to keep my boyfriend guessing about when I'm actually on the rag.
That way I can act completely irrational whenever I want. He gets mad
when he goes down on me and finds out I'm having my period. But he
gets me back by coating my vibrator with chopped glass. Ouch!

But in spite of all of the ups and downs, I love being a lady. Recently,
I've been trying to get pregnant by stuffing my vagina with sperm I find on
the floor of the porno theatre behind my house. Wish me luck, I'll keep you

see, I told you fat girls can be fun to

Thursday, September 09, 2004

found on the web 9-9-04

The Rant: Sept. 9th 2004

The News:
Tragedy struck in Russia recently after the ill conceived, "Take a Chechen Rebel to School Day" got out of hand. Russian official’s vow that next year they will return to the, "Fun With Goats Day" that has proved to be so popular, and so safe in the past. Yesterday the Russians held a rally to protest the terrorist acts. Hearing this, the terrorists replied this morning on NPR, "We had no idea you found our terrorism so objectionable. We thought you were into it. We're sorry, we'll stop immediately." Boy, I don’t know about you but I for one am glad that's settled.

Former President Clinton recovers from his quadruple bypass surgery and doctors say if he wants to avoid problems in the future, he will need to exercise more, drink plenty of water, and choose a less fatty mistress. On the subject of Mr. Clinton, did anyone catch that when he lied it only involved one head, when W lied its cost over 1000 Americans theirs, *Note this is a running total. That and for years I have been trying to tell the girls in the office that a blow job was like a hand shake among colleagues, now with a nod to Clinton I have an act of congress to back my words up. Bill, you still the man.

Sports A few weeks ago I penned a few well meaning thoughts, as such I mentioned a sport European's call football. We Americans like to call it soccer, when we talk about it at all. This fortunately, is not often. Usually, it's only to say things like, "I was having trouble falling asleep last night, and luckily ESPN2 was showing soccer." Or, "How did it feel when that rabid badger bit you in the face? It was about as enjoyable as soccer." Anyway, tons of annoying, European People took the time to unhitch their oxen, and come in from the fields to "educate me" about soccer. "We call it football because we use our feet." They all whined. Yes, but aren't you wearing socks on those feet? Socks? Soccer? I rest my case.

Relations with the EU
Like most Americans I have no use for Europe, especially since we built Such a swell version of it at Epcot, not to mention the one we built in Las Vegas. Superior to actual Europe in terms of rides, as well as buffets, both of these versions of Europe include things that appear to be kryptonite to most real Europeans; manners, toothpaste, and deodorant. Yes I said manners. Europeans are rude. They refuse to speak English. And the ones who do speak English speak it poorly or with a funny accent. We didn't save your silly asses from Hitler to put up with this kind of piss poor attitude. (btw: my Uncle dropped fire on your cites in the big one) I understand that most Europeans hate Americans. Good. We hate you more. You have nothing that we want. Legalized prostitution? We have it, not to mention all of the slutty American girls giving it away for free. Crumbling ruins? Look at our inner cities. People speaking foreign languages? Get in a cab, go to a 7-11, go sit at the DMV for an hour. Which brings me to another point.If you all hate America so much, will you please stop coming? I don't Think they have patrol boats off the coast of Spain picking up flimsy rafts full of Americans trying to sneak into Europe so they can start a better life. When I walk through my estate it's like a tour of Europe. My butler isEnglish, my maids are French, and my gardeners all speak some kind ofgibberish so I assume they're from Europe, too. I would ask them, but like I said they all speak gibberish. Not to mention the fact that like all of my many employees, any of them trying to speak directly to me will be taken away and fed to the hounds. Anyway, my chauffer is German and my bodyguards are all from Belgium. Why you ask? Easy the Flems are surprisingly resilient.

I guess there are some good things about Europe, like EuroDisney, and I hear they've built a Hard Rock Cafe. But other than that I think it's pointless, and much too far to be of any use to anyone. I mean why go there when you could have just as much fun in Ohio? UN Weapons Inspectors

To-day in the news

The UN weapons inspectors have announced they found no evidence that the Iranians have a secret nuclear weapons program. Really? Because you would think there would be tons of evidence lying around if they had secret nuclear weapons program. Did they check under the bed? Look it up in the phone book? Ask the maid at the Motel 6? We should put those eagle-eyes at the Pentagon on it, look at all the suck-suess they have been having.

The Funny people I meet:

The Rich:
Ok, last night, after helping old people at the community center I ran into a woman, who asked me what I thought about the up-coming elections, she proceed to expound upon her view that what this great land needs was a tighter fist, the people who are political dissenters should be sent away, and tortured till they learned that the USA is a great place (this really happened) to which I retorted, Madam, you are clearly an idiot, or a former member of the Ta-Ta-Macu, most likely both. How did you come up with these ideas? Did you suffer from another blackout? The one where did you wake up, and many of your bad places were caked in dried blood and semen? Please go back on your medication and stop sniffing glue you dried up bitch. I will not quit talking about what is right with the world until your education is complete!

The day before, I was at a local school (where between saving kittens from the gas chamber and sending e-mails to the fan clubs of my favorite pop idols, I volunteer as a crossing guard) , talking to a teacher about Steel/Steal Dicks views that so many of the Afro-American children would end up in jail before their 18th birthday, he asked…”I was wondering if your aware of your hated black people”, (come on me, of all people) That's a good question Cracker. Let me think. Are you a black person? “No”, he responded, Odd I said, because I know I hate you. I pride myself on hating all people as individuals. All of you as individuals are worthy of my endless undying hatred, and scorn. To hate someone for belonging to a particular group is just too easy. Unless we are talking about a really funny group like mimes, or the rich, but then again there nothing I hate more than an Estonian Philatelist. Those guys just suck. Anyway, I think my five year old is going to have a tuff time in this bastard’s class, oh, and do you know how hard it is to find a teachers home address these days?

The British:

Last Monday, I meet one of those people I was telling you about earlier. This is one of those Europeans I was telling you about. A sock-er fan from way back. He told me that we Americans “think your superior to people you don’t know and have a total disregard for their views. After briefing him on some of the finer parts of Irish history and a short over view of the 19th century I asked him if I as an American (Yank to him, yes they still talk like that) how could I possibly feel superior to you “Tommie” (his real name); with your amazing grasp of American society, you must of spent a lot of time at Eaton learning the error of our colonial ways. I'm glad you've taken the time to lift yourself off the floor of your local pub, out of the twin pools of your own vomit and urine, and come to our great land. You must be a fan of that scintillating intellectual British humor like Benny Hill. His biting social commentary always made me stop and think. As they say in Jolly Olde England, "Go fuck yourself". Why couldn't Princess Di have had you on her lap, with a broomstick up your ass, that fateful night so many years ago?)

Public Works:

Have you ever gone to a public park during a week day? Its odd, the people you see, here to name a few: married gay men (often close to restrooms, and why do we call them restrooms? I have never felt relaxed in a public toilet), City workers, mowing or sleeping in their trucks. and married couples who are having affairs. Now, does this sound to you like a good place to spend my tax dollars? I think not, that when I run for office, you will have to pay to use the parks, why the fuck should the fruits of my labor be used to support laziness’, infidelity, and gay-bath-house sex shows for Mr. McFeely?

A family Moment:

I got this in my e-mail a few Mondays ago…. From: "MaTt B" (address changed to protect the stupid)Sent: Sunday, August 29, 2004 12:43 PMSubject: Guess What!!!! J hey dad school starts tomorow, call me when you get back, o yea i came in first in the time trials for cross country out of the whole team. My reply to his e-mail: MAtT, First off stop calling me dad. Yes, I did fuck your mother, but there was at least a dozen of us so I don't think it's fair to single me out. (and we were young, in college, and really needed the money) I'm sure your real dad is very proud of you and glad to See you're on the track team, and not off playing soccer.) Oh, and how is your mom doing, could you send me you home phone number and address?
Signed: C. Evert Coop MD
(makes you kind of wonder what kind of mail he got in his box the next day, doesn’t it?)

On Moving:

There is a saying that I have been hearing so many of my fellow citizens who follow a certain political party, whose leader is so dim-witted he can only respond to a single letter of the alphabet….have been using, I would like to give it a historical prospective:

1780's "Move to the Wilderness if you don't like British rule."

1860's "Why don't you move to Boston if you don't like slavery"

1910's "Move to Bolshevik Russia!"

1940's "Move to Russia (again)"

1960's "America, Love it or Leave It"

2000's "Move to France!" "Move to Canada!"

Whenever people on the left disagree with seeing our country taken over
by a bunch of corporate bandits, the right wing riff raff always tell us
to leave the country just because we disagree with how the country is
run. Well, I say, FUCK YOU, it's my country too.

That’s all for now dear children!

Thursday, September 02, 2004

God is on MY SIDE

The Republican National Committee recently admitted to sending
direct mail in Arkansas and West Virginia, warning that
"liberals" seek to ban the Bible. The mailing has outraged both
progressive and conservative people of faith, who argue that it
amounts to a cheap manipulation of Christians for political

Even Richard Land of the Southern Baptist Convention declined to
agree that Democrats might seek to ban the Bible, telling The
New York Times that the implication was "stretching it a bit

In response to this outrage, and with the help of local
supporters, Sojourners has placed our God Is Not a Republican or
a Democrat advertisement in the Arkansas Times and in
Charleston, West Virginia's State Record. Now let's take it a
step further. Ask those responsible for the oversight of
campaign activities to apologize to the Christian community.

Take action today: