Thursday, May 31, 2007

Valet Parking:

Parking in Scottsdale
(A sample of finding art in the most unlikely places.)

Hard at work saving the world, or at least parts of AZ:

JQP esq.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Greetings from the Apache Nation:

(Yes, children your Uncle JQP spent his Memorial Day with the native inhabitants of southeast Arizona. I was an eye opening experience.)

Some of the things I learned:
Indians don’t talk a lot.
They will agree with you just to get you to shut the fuck up.
Apaches are bad asses.
You would have to be a bad ass to live out there.
People wear cowboy hats outside of Texas.
Fuck, folks are poor down there.
Casinos really suck, especially if that’s the only place to eat and its German food night.
Apaches don’t do German food well.
Apache women are hot.
A big city is one with 8,000 people.
Mormons are everywhere.
If there are 8,000 people there will be 20 Mormon churches.
I want to club the next person in the head who says: “What pretty cactus”.
There are no radio stations down there.
I need to buy a Bowie knife.
There is just so much Indian Fry Bread a man can eat.
Tribal Cops smile a lot.
I paid only 2.90 a gallon for gas.

Now I must unpack and shake the sand out of my moccasins and start the London Broil in have had marinating since Sunday.

I remain, invisible but always present, much like the bed bugs at the Best Western I stayed at:

JQP esq.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Your Hairy Pits for the Week:

(Hairy pited women kick-ass)

Monday, May 28, 2007

The Reason for the Season:

(Lest we forget)

I am old enough to have actually have humped a '60. In other news, being broke as fuck tends to make one a good boy, mass and now home, reading and cooking. Monday, I have to once again, hit the road and sell those Bibles, I have souls to save.

If you love your freedom, have sex with a vet today:


Friday, May 25, 2007

Your Drinks for the Holiday Weekend:

tray guy

Aussie Screw-up Cooler Recipe
Ice cubes
15 ml (squeezed) Lemon Juice
20 ml Triple Sec
glass (Fill With) 7-Up
40 ml Coconut Rum
50 ml Orange Juice

Pour all ingredients (except 7-up) into shaker with ice. Shake well. Strain into a Highball glass filled with ice and top up with 7-Up. Garnish with a slice of lemon and a spiral of orange peel. Serve with a straw. Best if drank by a hot co-ed with B-Cups in a miniskirt, while being held upside down.

Kokomo Joe Recipe
1 oz Banana Liqueur
1 oz White Rum
½ oz Cheap vodka
5 oz Orange Juice
3 oz Pina Colada Mix

Combine ingredients with one cup of crushed ice in a blender. Blend until smooth. Pour into a hurricane glass, garnish with a slice of orange, and serve. I had 9 of these one morning at the Hip-Hugger in Kokomo, Indiana. I would recommend both the stip bar and the drink.

JQP’s a Pimp Cocktail Recipe
2 oz Dark Eyes Vodka
1 oz Blue Curacao
1 oz Peach Schnapps
5 oz Sunny Delight

Pour ingredients into a highball glass, stir, and serve. I love this shit, but after 12 or so I want to puke my asshole up. Warning: do not chase this with white wine and shots of Jaeger.

Any asshole can be a statistic, be a hero make some headlines.

All my best,

JQP esq.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

A Rental Kia, Sweet Tea, Waffles and Fried Chicken:

Thought of the Day:
Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.
G. K. Chesterton

SC realestate
(I was once a successful real-estate agent in the Low Country of South by God Carolina, well known for my guerrilla marketing strategies )

Carolina’s calling:
Man, it’s been 100 plus for weeks. I miss South Carolina; at least there nature had the decency so that if it was damn hot, there was an ocean nearby. Here I am stuck in the world’s largest beach. Dry heat my ass. Shit, I miss Bike Week, esp. Black Bike week and SOS.

Lunch Today:
On the plus side I found this joint today, it made what has been a shitty week all the more better.

My Neighbors are Fighting:
The Indian’s-Native Americans-First Nation (whatever is your PC term of choice) are building a new casino in the desert across the street from me. This, of course has all the white people around here really pissed off. You see they are not subject to zoning or any of that shit. The “Neighborhood Protection Committee” (sounds kind of like Orwell meets the KKK) came to my door tonight and asked me to sign a petition to stop those savages.

I kindly corrected them, this is not a neighborhood, it’s a fucking subdivision on the edge of nowhere, people are far from neighborly. Hell, they are all from LA, need I say more?

I told them that the way I see it the white man has been fucking them hard for the past 200 plus years, it’s about time they got a little bit of a reach around. Fuck the white man.

Then I told them that if they didn’t get out of my driveway I was going to turn the hounds on them and go throw some crazy ass Billy Jack moves on their old shriveled tight white asses.

You don’t fuck with an Amish-Irish-Melungeon who is actively self-medicating injuries due to a text messaging yuppie behind the wheel of a well armored Hummer. The only thing that is pissing me off, is that all the heavy equipment they are running across the street on the Reservation is kicking up a fuck load of dust, which of course is actively turning my pond into a mud-hole.

Today’s Bill:
"The man that hath no music in himself,
Nor is not mov'd with concord of sweet sounds,
Is fit for treasons, stratagems, and spoils."
From The Merchant of Venice (V, i, 83-85)

Quote of the Day:
Fervor is the weapon of choice for the impotent.
Frantz Fanon

I remain your midnight sun in these trying times:

JQP esq.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Welcome Back Timmy:

Fun Timmy Facts:
Timmy's sports page
(Many of you might not know this, but Timmy moon lights as a sport writer.)

Timmy's dude ranch
(Timmy likes to take his holidays at local dude ranches, many abound in rural Zionsville)

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Convalescing on someone else’s dime:

(I love me some pain pills and punk rock nursing students)


Monday, May 21, 2007

Your ISP has been recorded: DOD #3.96


Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Happy Birthday My Flower:

sport at the grand c.
(A Grand Cayon Family Vaction snap shot, enjoy)

I am busy being at beck and call of my Loving Bride, coking supper, followed by rubbing her feet then washing her hair, then rounding out the night with chic flicks. Behold the price of love.


Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Lame much like Barbaro:

troops in the shit
(My dad started his second tour 40 years ago today. Funny a whole new generation of kids will be able to say that now.)

Thought for the Day:
I asked a man in prison once how he happened to be there and he said he had stolen a pair of shoes. I told him if he had stolen a railroad he would be a United States Senator.
Mother Jones

The Week To-date:
Wednesday, I am spending most of the day on the roads of the greater Phoenix Metropolitan area doing what they pay me to do for a change. One cool thing is I have set it up so I will end up close to home thus get home early.

Why is getting home early important you may ask? Well, Wednesday is my Flower’s annual celebration of her birth, so I have to have the evening planned and set. Sadly, we will not be at the Macedonian Road House with our closest personal friends and camp followers as in years past. This is the life of a shy retired couple (they were quiet people, kept to themselves) here in this barren paradise.

I have to spend most of Thursday on the Reservation. I am looking forward to it. It’s a great chance to see how services are delivered effectively when overseen by tribal, local, county, state government and about a dozen Federal agencies. However, prior to that I am having my 90 day review. I better be evaluated as walking on water.

Friday, I am spending the whole day up in Flagstaff selling Bibles to the locals. After which, I will be joining Mrs. JQP her team of crack media spin artists in a belated (but payday supported) alcohol fueled group defragging of our C Drives.

Like everything else in my life this is subject to change at a moments notice, that’s why I live my life two steps ahead of the rolly polly, “high speed-low drag” are my watch words.

A loss for someone I respect greatly:

Today’s Bill:
"Not that I lov'd Caesar less, but that I lov'd Rome more."
From Julius Caesar (III, ii, 22)

Quote of the Day:
Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions. Albert Einstein

I remain as always, the chef for the hunger of your soul:

JQP esq.

Monday, May 14, 2007

…and a very Happy Monday to you:


If I was a violent man…
I would beat the little fuck who broke into my house in Indiana and stole all my copper pipes, chiefly by ripping out the fucking walls, which of course also fucked up my 8 month old water heater and my electric heat pump. Yes, I would beat the living shit out of them. However, I would beat him to death with my insurance agent.

I would pick up my insurance agents and swing them like a club, pummeling the copper thief into the mass of refuse they are. Why, would I beat someone to death using the unusual weapon of an insurance agent you might ask? Well dear reader, that’s because I am a planner. You see my insurance company doesn’t want to pay to have it all fixed. So, think of it as two ass whippings for the price of one.

On my Job:
You ever wonder why the Book of Job is spelled the same way as what we do for a living. The new thing at work is that they are moving my department into he newly remodeled part of our building.

Yes, I get to move from an office to a cubical and friends and neighbors it’s not just any cubical, it’s a fucking glass cubical. I can’t pick my nose and wipe in under the desk anymore, forget about surfing the net, I got the biggest office, which lucky me has one whole wall of floor to ceiling windows that look out onto the main hall. “Look Mom at that funny monkey”. Shits and fucking giggles, think the Boy in the Bubble with a very bad attitude. Fuck it, it beats being unemployed.

It’s enough to make a fellow go Buford Pusser on someone’s ass. Good thing I am not a violent man.

As always all my best to you and yours,

JQP esq.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Happy Weekend Everyone:

Did you know…

2002 MAXIM Hot 100 Party


Radio City Music Hall

…gave me VD

Just thought I would share:

JQP esq.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Greetings from the Great American Southwest:

Thought for the Day:
“A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.”
Oscar Wilde


On my Unexcused Absence:

I am humbled by the fact that so many of you members of the cultural vanguard of Western Civilization were troubled by my extended absences. Please allow me the opportunity to discount any rumors and/or supposition that may or may not have taken place.

The following is a list of possible factors, true or false you decide:

I had a change of heart about GWB and “The War on Who the Hell Ever” and re-enlisted in the service of this great nation.

Dude, I am putting the band back together!

I have been hospitalized for nervous exhaustion and numerous orthopedic injuries.

I went native.

I am currently involved in filming a few episodes of new series Law and Order Prison Life, where I have several guest star appearances.

I have been charged with felony liver and kidney abuse in Indiana and thus have been in hiding.

Blame it on the French.

I have been reading a good book.

My job is keeping moving all over this state.

I quit drinking and thus don’t have anything witty to say.

They only let the homeless on the computers and the downtown public library for 10 mins. at a time.

I won the lotto, bitches.

They really check my computer at work.

I changed my name to Harry Running Bull and now run a sweat lodge out of an abandoned Ford Fiesta in my back yard.

Walmart makes me work overtime.

I am mad, dont talk to me.

I got some black market Viagra and have spent the time sitting in a darkened room touching myself inappropriately.

I have taken my interactive nude poetry reading on the club circuit in the Catskills.

I just got voted off American Idol

I started a kinky sex cult and book of the month club.

I have been a guest of Sheriff Joe Arpaio and the wireless reception at tent city is shitty.

I have been spending my spare time plucking my body hair.

I took a job as a Burmese drug mule and thusly have been spending a lot of time pooping Heroin in cheap motel rooms close to airports.

I am writing an autobiography and your all in it.

All of the above.

Dear reader the decision is yours chose wisely.

Todays Bill:
"To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow; a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."
--From Macbeth (V, v, 19)

Quote of the Day:
We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves.
Lynn Hall, Where Have All the Tigers Gone?, 1989

I remain has always, your hairy backed Adonis:

JQP esq.

Friday, May 04, 2007

Forget the Alamo, Remember Kent State:


"Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living"
Mother Jones