Thoughts for a Fat Tuesday:

When I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shamed. Then I
look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and
all of their hopes and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they
might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to
myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come
true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When
we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to
heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind
is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but
the wheel doe snot go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory
to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move
as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural
selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general
speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular
killing of the weakest members. I

n much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Submited by that Don of the North East, Dobbs Himself.

JQP

A Quiz for Us Men:

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month.
You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affection for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to an entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Evaluating Results:
If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you
really ARE a man.

If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy - you're a
little more than just confused.

If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN"

(Submitted by IT-Chic)

JQP

A shot of bitters and a back rub to start your day:

Thought for the Day:
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
Mark Twain


(You can always tell when the fleet is in port. Three dollars and fifty cents and yes he doubles coupons)

14 Things about me:

1) I drink Miller High Life with dbl shots of Rumplemintz in the winter, Bombay Sapphire and Tonic, dbl lime in the summer.

2) I like women with a pot-belly and hairy pits are a big plus.

3) I raised my brother and sister for 3 years in my early 20’s.

4) I have one of those new five blade razors.

5) Most of the people I deal with at work; you would like to kill (really).

6) I am a Liberal Democrat in the union organizer sense.

7) I am Irish and Gypsy.

8) I shave my testy sack ‘cause it makes me feel like a porn star.

9) I trim my nose hair with Ohio Blue Tip Matches.

10) Pork chops with pork chop gravy on Wonder Bread solves most of the worlds problems, don’t believe me, try it.

11) I get drunk and sing Dixie, just to piss people off (that and I happen to like the tune).

12) My wife has big boobs, but I am an ass man.

13) I drink a gallon of sweet tea every day.

14) I don’t go to Starbucks, because I don’t know how to order all the fancy shit and am to embarrassed to ask.

Today:
Hey kids, guess what… I am on the fucking road. …but, the lovely and charming Mrs. JQP is going along, so no fun filled hours at the rest area this trip.

Really, I am staying in a cool B&B close to Danville, Ill. She hit the web site and decided to take the day off work as she put it we can go Antiquing (God, save me now). Such are the joys of being married.

In Other News:
I will not be posting on No-Love-Thursday; however we might be back in town by then, who knows. Also, I will not be posting on Friday, ‘cause I am on the fucking road yet again. I keep telling myself, it’s for the children.

...and in case you were wondering, yes, I am in fact hung-over like a little bitch today, we reap what we sow, that and who was making love to your old lady while you were out making love?

So, if you want wit, read the damn archives, same for drinks and recipes (and yes, I am a bitter little man today, but hey it's better than the lame ass posts I have pulled out of my ass this week).

Today’s Bill:
SONNET 1
FROM fairest creatures we desire increase,
That thereby beauty's rose might never die,
But as the riper should by time decease,
His tender heir might bear his memory:
But thou, contracted to thine own bright eyes,
Feed'st thy light'st flame with self-substantial fuel,
Making a famine where abundance lies,
Thyself thy foe, to thy sweet self too cruel.
Thou that art now the world's fresh ornament
And only herald to the gaudy spring,
Within thine own bud buriest thy content
And, tender churl, makest waste in niggarding.
Pity the world, or else this glutton be,
To eat the world's due, by the grave and thee.

Quote of the Day:
thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.
Mark Twain (a Twain two-fer’)

I remain, the indefinable odor of your soul:

JQP esq.

Greeks, Custom Trucks, Bird Heads and Beans:

(Something for everyone)

Today’s Quote found by Dobbs Himself:
"Real ability is to respect relative truth without damaging oneself by refusing to realize that it will be superseded. When you observe that today's controversies often reveal not relevance but the clash of the untaught with the wrongly taught, and when you can endure this knowledge without cynicism, as a lover of humankind, greater compensations will be open to you than a sense of your own importance or satisfaction in thinking about the unreliability of others." Idries Shah, A Perfumed Scorpion



No Sleep:
Don’t you hate when you plan something and then find-out the day ahead is shot to shit? Meetings all day. I am on day three of no-sleep, but I think it is time to come clean with the reason. My loving wife snores like a drunken Greek sailor. My best guess is going a week without hearing her charming vocalizations, allowed my internal clock to reset.

Now noises wake me up. I think it will just take a bit of getting use to once again. I for one don’t want to move down into the music room for my slumber, that and I look forward to the cuddle time with my flower.

Hard Hitting News from the Heartland:

Canning exec is ‘eager for answers’
Awaits test results on how bird head landed in woman’s beans
Associated Press EATON, INDIANA –

The manager of an Indiana canning plant said Monday that he did not know how it could have produced a can of pinto beans with a bird’s head inside as claimed by an Illinois woman. Chicago-based La Preferida Inc. announced a voluntary recall Friday of a limited number of its cans as it investigated how the head ended up in the 15-ounce can.
David Morrow, general manager of Eaton-based Meridian Foods, said he was eager for answers about the discovery last week by a DeKalb, Ill., woman who reported buying the can at a grocery store in nearby Aurora, Ill.

“We don’t know anything, and we are waiting on the results of tests,” Morrow told The Star Press of Muncie. “We have procedures in place to prevent these things from happening, and we have reviewed those procedures.” A canning company for 40 years, Meridian has been owned by Clinton, Mich.-based Eden Foods since 1994. Meridian is Eden’s sole canning plant. The 29-employee plant about 10 miles north of Muncie packs about a dozen varieties of cooked-in-the-can beans. The La Preferida beans covered by the recall have the lot number 5348 MF on the can lids. The batch was canned Dec. 14 and is marked by a best-buy date of Dec. 14, 2007, La Preferida said.
(See what happens when you don’t buy Red Gold?)

Army says neck tattoo is not OK
Ambiguous rule means man can’t enlist.

Charles Keller is only 24, but he already has eight tattoos. A cross, his father’s initials and “wacko” — his high-school nickname — are on his arms; most of the rest are in places I didn’t ask to see. To the Army, however, only one of the Wayne High School graduate’s tattoos really matters: the 3-inch red, white and blue flag and eagle he’s sported on the right side of his neck for the past three years. According to regulations, Keller’s patriotic body art may be . . . unmilitary.

“At first, the recruiter said they would try for a waiver that would allow me to enlist,” said Kansas native Keller, whose father, uncle and two cousins have also served in the military. “But then they said there was still a problem, and that maybe I should join the Reserves instead. But I don’t want to join the Reserves. I want to be a Ranger.” Rangers are specially trained to respond quickly by land, sea or air anywhere in the world. Until recently, Army rules were clear. Tattoos deemed “prejudicial to good order and discipline” were prohibited, along with all tattoos on the face, head and neck. Early this year, however, the Army relaxed its regulations, which seems to have only complicated things for Keller and recruiters alike.

“It’s funky,” said Steve Lawson, spokesman for the Army’s recruiting battalion in Indianapolis. “When they first reversed the policy, they said anywhere on the neck was fine. Then they had a female with a tattoo on the front of her neck that went down one-fourth of her body. They didn’t want to make it carte blanche, to detract from the uniform.

With his crew cut and lean 6-foot-3-inch, 185-pound frame, Keller looks eager to serve — and not just because of family tradition. Keller wants military benefits that would allow him to pursue an education and a career offering more possibilities than his most recent job at Wal-Mart. But tattoos are a family tradition, too, with most of his male and female relatives sporting several.

In Other News:

(I have to drop my truck off at the shop by 6:30am. I am getting some bad-ass spinners and a hydraulic-lift kit put in my “King of da’ Bad-Assed Sleds”. You know me…)

Your Mail Order Brides for the Week:
http://www.eastwestmatch.com/search.cfm?from=email&nick=masalitina
http://www.eastwestmatch.com/search.cfm?from=email&nick=duan1234
http://www.eastwestmatch.com/search.cfm?from=email&nick=Iren5
http://www.eastwestmatch.com/search.cfm?from=email&nick=Sash

Today’s Bill:
"I come to wive it wealthily in Padua;
If wealthily, then happily in Padua"
--From The Taming of the Shrew (I, ii, 75-76)

Thought for the Day:
Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
A medley of extemporanea;
And love is a thing that can never go wrong;
And I am Marie of Romania.
Dorothy Parker, Not So Deep as a Well (1937), "Comment"

I remain, your pigmy of introspective analyses and rightfully so:

JQP esq.

A penny saved is a penny earned:

(I dedicate this day to my spiritual guides and role models)

Lame Ass Post #361 (4 I’s, 4 My’s and 4 If’s)

I am in a bad mood this morning.
I fucked up my back and knee last week.
I am on the road, Wed. Thurs. and Friday.
I have a shit load of stuff to get done.

My ass is tired thinking about the road time ahead of me.
My loving wife wants to go with me on Thursday (because I am staying someplace cool).
My left front wheel on my truck is acting funny.
My wife went and got Vietnamese food for me yesterday.

If I watch were I was putting my fucking feet I wouldn’t be in pain.
If I hit the lottery, I wouldnt have to put up with this shit.
If the hair on my back was on my head, I would have a bright shiny coat.
If I didn’t drink, use tobacco and eat so well, I would have a lot more money in my pocket.

I remain, below decks rowing to the beat of the drum:

JQP esq.

Hermaphrodites in Hebron and other News:

Thought for the Day:
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
Charles M. Schulz, Charlie Brown in "Peanuts"


(A candid photo of M. Chamberlain News Paper Man (L) and myself (R) taken at last Tuesdays Republican Party fund raiser, when key note speaker, Governor Mitch Daniels, told both of us, we are the cornerstone of a new Indiana.)

It’s No-Love-Thursday:
...and dear reader as it stands right now, I plan to take my seat as "Distinguished Chair of Wit and Sarcasm", at this most venerated of all Drinking Clubs in the Tri-State area. All the more so since my flower is out of town until Saturday early morning (Bring on the dancing girls, Corn Nuts and Blow Jobs for me and my men).

Last Night:
I met M. Chamberlain News Paper Man at my favorite bar for at least one drink more than I should have had. Tiny joined us, sporting a clean shaven face and republican hair-cut. After a few more drinks both Tiny and I adjourned to the Macedonian Road House for some of the culinary delights known to those fun loving mountain people.

While dining I played a retrospective of the works of both Mr. Engelbert Humperdinck & Mr. Neil Sedaka, on a jukebox that was last updated in the mid to late 70’s. I retuned to the manor house around 11pm and quickly fell asleep, being woken only once during the night, when my flower staggered into her hotel room around 1:30 am.

My bride is "rolling like a rock star", which in the music business is not unusual, but I am sure is "razing" a few eyebrows among the elite of country music. It is my understanding that tonight she will be going on a second date with Cowboy Troy (who ever that is). If she keeps this up, it wont be long before MTV calls and wants to shoot an episode of “Cribs” at our humble estate.

Today:
I am on the road to Richmond, Indiana. A place whose city motto is “Richmond, where the Roses Grow” and which I might add is also home to "Tom Raper RV, The World Headquarters for your Recreational Vehicle Needs”.

Sadly, there is no good road heading from here to there, so it looks like a drive filled with dodging School Buses, Amish buggies and heavy farm equipment. What the hell, its all mileage to me, out there in the hinterlands, doing the good work.



Attention:
There will be no post on Friday Feb. 17th. The employees of PTOAPM are currently staging a labor slow-down that is actively effecting contract negotiations. Management and labor are at odds over the pension funds and medical saving accounts.

Rest assured, if they do not come back to the table soon, I will have them all fired and their accounts closed at the company store.

Currently, I am looking at bringing in undocumented workers to staff key components of this blog, so you will get the timely news and insight that you have grown accustom to here at PTOAPM.

Your Drinks for the Week:



Jack’s Candlestick:
Drink Ingredients:
1 tbs of Bacardi 151 Rum
1/3 oz. Pineapple Juice
1/3 oz. Sloe Gin
1/2 oz. Jack Daniel's
1/3 oz. Melon liqueur

Instruction:
Chill in a mixing tin and pour. Float the 151 on top and light it, best you try this one not all ready drunk, I am not responsible for burns and/or property damage.

Orange Tang:
Drink Ingredients:
1 oz. Vodka
6 oz. Orange Juice
1 Splash Grenadine
1/2 oz. Triple Sec
1 Splash Sour Mix
1 oz. 151 Proof Rum

Instruction:
Lightly blend all ingredients except rum, strain into large snifter 1/2 filled with ice cubes, float rum on top, garnish with tropical fruits

Today’s Bill:
SONNET 105
Let not my love be call'd idolatry,
Nor my beloved as an idol show,
Since all alike my songs and praises be
To one, of one, still such, and ever so.
Kind is my love to-day, to-morrow kind,
Still constant in a wondrous excellence;
Therefore my verse to constancy confined,
One thing expressing, leaves out difference.
'Fair, kind and true' is all my argument,
'Fair, kind, and true' varying to other words;
And in this change is my invention spent,
Three themes in one, which wondrous scope affords.
'Fair, kind, and true,' have often lived alone,
Which three till now never kept seat in one.

Quote of the Day:
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Ronald Reagan, quoted in Observer, March 29 1981

I remain, the only man you know who can pull off wearing a ascot:

JQP esq.

Platypus Jelly on Hard Rolls:

Thought for the Day:
It's odd that you can get so anesthetized by your own pain or your own problem that you don't quite fully share the hell of someone close to you.
Lady Bird Johnson


(Serial killer, cub scout leader, human-extraterrestrial love child, or model rail road enthusiast, you decide)

My Yesterday:
After a fun filled day touring the sights of Gary, LaPorte and Knox, Indiana, I took myself to my favorite bar for some insightful conversation with M. Chamberlain, News Paper Man. After wading through the tall grass of this simulating repartee and swilling of some distilled grains, while watching all the happy couples enjoying each others company this Valentines Day, I said piss on it and took my leave.

I stoped on my way home at my local Bodega for hot peppers and deep fried pork fat. Never a more regretful decision was made for an evening meal. I then watched ESPN classic until around 10:00 when put on my PJs, said my prayers and tucked myself in.

I was however woken from my slumber by a call from some country star (I forget who) around 11:00, followed by a call from John Bon Jovi who for some reason sang with a chic-country band and found my flower most charming. (At least I knew who he was, what can I say, other than being a child of the 80's, I am a steadfast NPR listener)

I later got calls at 12:00am, 12:45am, 1:15am and lastly at 3:00am, all in varying degrees of drunk dialing, Mrs. JQP seems to be having a good time in Nashville. Needless to say, I didn’t sleep very well.

Today:
Tonight, might have to work, if not I have the chance to enjoy the company of IT-Chic (who I might add said she was going to buy a pitcher) and Tiny. With the possibility of dinning at the Macedonian Road House. If not, it will be a dinner of steak and asparagus followed by reading a biography of William Jennings Bryant in front of the fire. Nope no strip bars for me, no sir, no way (if your reading this, Hi, Honey, hope your hangover is better).

Today’s Bill:

SONNET 66
Tired with all these, for restful death I cry,
As, to behold desert a beggar born,
And needy nothing trimm'd in jollity,
And purest faith unhappily forsworn,
And guilded honour shamefully misplaced,
And maiden virtue rudely strumpeted,
And right perfection wrongfully disgraced,
And strength by limping sway disabled,
And art made tongue-tied by authority,
And folly doctor-like controlling skill,
And simple truth miscall'd simplicity,
And captive good attending captain ill:
Tired with all these, from these would I be gone,
Save that, to die, I leave my love alone.

Quote of the Day:
Evil when we are in its power is not felt as evil but as a necessity, or even a duty.
Simone Weil, Gravity and Grace, 1947

I remain, sucking the hind tit of the body politic:

JQP esq.

Your Recipes for the Week:

In honor of the au-pair I recently hired, (while my loving bride is out of town) food from those wonderful people of the Philippine Islands.

CHICKEN-CABBAGE CURRY
1 cup chicken meat (cooked, shredded)
2 tbsp butter or margarine
3 tbsp flour
1 1/2 tbsp curry powder
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp ground pepper
3/4 cup evaporated milk (or thick coconut milk)
1 small onion, finely chopped
1 tsp vetsin
1/2 cup water
1/2 kilo cabbage shredded

Drop shredded cabbage in boiling water with a little salt. Put off heat. After 3 minutes, drain. Set aside.
Combine flour, salt, pepper, and curry powder. Melt butter in low heat, add flour mixture. Stir. When well blended, gradually add water and continue stirring until mixture is smooth.

Add onion and chicken meat. Cook for 5 minutes. Add milk. Stir until smooth and thickened. Add vetsin.

Spread drained cabbage on plate. Make a hollow in the middle and pour the cooked chicken mixture. Serve hot.



GRILLED BANGUS
1 large bangus
2 onions, chopped finely
5 tomatoes, chopped finely
1 tbsp salt
1 tsp vetsin
banana leaves


Clean bangus but do not scrape scales. With a sharp slit back to make an opening up to the stomach. Wash and sprinkle salt.

Mix onions and tomatoes together. Season with salt and vetsin. Stuff in bangus.

Wrap bangus in wilted banana leaves. Grill on hot charcoal for 1/2 hour.



15 DAY HAM
1 kilo pork (thigh or pigi)
1 cup salt
1 tsp salitre
1/2 cup gin
1 cup white sugar

Mix salt, salitre, sugar, and gin altogether. Prick pork all over with ice pick or fork and soak in mixture. Soak for 15 days. Keep in refrigerator, covered with cheese cloth or foil.

Each day, prick and turn meat in its solution.

On the 15th day, wash thoroughly, add a can of pineapple juice (medium-sized can) and boil until meat is tender.

Remove the skin. Sprinkle brown sugar and bake in a preheated oven (350 F) for 10 minutes or until brown.

Instead of baking in oven, you may press a heated kitchen turner (siyanse) on the meat, repeating several times until meat browns.

Enjoy...

JQP

Dateline Indiana:

Woman’s body in Kendallville discovered beside unruly guest

By Angela Mapes
The Journal Gazette

KENDALLVILLE – A Kendallville woman with no apparent injuries was found in her bed – several days after her death – next to a man who police said refused to cooperate with their investigation.

The body of Sandra Warrix, 48, was found by a relative and a police officer who arrived at her home in the 1100 block of West Waits Road in Kendallville shortly after 6 p.m. Monday. She appeared to have been dead for several days, Noble County Chief Deputy Doug Harp said.
Warrix had not been seen in several days and police had been asked to do a routine check on her welfare, Harp said.

Preliminary results from an autopsy performed Tuesday at St. Joseph Hospital in Fort Wayne were not enough to determine the cause and manner of Warrix’s death, Coroner Terry Gaff said. Warrix’s body showed no signs of trauma, he said. It will be at least two weeks until results of further testing are complete, he said.

Noble County Prosecutor Steve Clouse said the man Warrix was with is 53. Investigators are not identifying him at this time. After being taken to Parkview Noble Hospital for evaluation, the man was taken to the Northeastern Center in Auburn for a 72-hour emergency mental health hold, Clouse said in a written statement.

“At this time it is premature to suppose that foul play was involved in the death of Ms. Warrix,” Clouse said. “Although the initial circumstances have raised questions concerning the death, it would be irresponsible to jump to conclusions. Instead, we must wait for all of the facts to be learned.”

According to Harp, a relative let the Noble County officer into Warrix’s home, where the officer saw a man lying next to Warrix’s body in a bed, Harp said. The officer, who saw that the woman was unresponsive, attempted to talk with the man, but he would not cooperate with police and ordered them out, Harp said.

The Noble County Special Operations Group was called in after repeated failed attempts by police to make contact with the man, including several calls to Warrix’s cell phone. After obtaining a search warrant, the operations group entered the house and confronted the man, who refused to respond to police commands. He was eventually struck by two shots from a Taser stun gun, Harp said.

My secret is Fractal Nihilism:

Thought for the Day:
Travel is only glamorous in retrospect.
Paul Theroux


(Little known fact, I always cry at weddings)

Bad and Nationwide:
Once again, I am loading up the wagons and heading out onto the prairie, to stake a claim on my future. Well, how about spending the day in two different time zones educating emergency service providers on the laws of this great state. A long day on the road, however I do get to come home tonight, for which I am sure the hounds will be grateful.

My flower got off ok this morning, on her trip to the country music capital of the world. What wonders and adventures await her, I can only guess. She will be gone 4 days, for which she packed 4 suitcases. Heavily packed I might add.

Once again gender differences, I can travel for up to one month with just a garment bag (which I might add, doubles as a carry-on), but having been married as long as I have, I knew better than to suggest she leave some of the many articles at home. Often, when in a relationship with a woman of my petite and loving bride’s caliber, it is best to keep one’s fucking mouth shut. She took so much with her, that if she would have taken the dogs and her plants, I would have known she was leaving me.

My Thoughts turn to VD:
With today being Valentines Day, I would like to wish all of my readers and former lovers all the joy and happiness they deserve. I hope someone is getting some tonight ‘cause it isn’t me. What was that old song “if you cant be with the one you love, love the one your with” well, go on, get some and then tell me all about it, so I can live my life vicariously through you. My heart goes out to you all; after all I am wonderful that way.

I hate going home to an empty house, thusly, if properly asked, I think I might find myself at my favorite bar at least once this week (NLT), or perhaps a few of the seeder establishments that dot the landscape of this quaint port city I call home.

Your Fruit of the Day:


Today’s Bill:
"Thou art a votary to fond desire."
--From The Two Gentlemen of Verona (I, i, 52)

Quote of the Day:
Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It's much sexier than any body part.
Aimee Mullins

I remain, the person responsible for the “JESUS SAVES” graffiti:

JQP esq.

Your Invited to a Intifada carry-in Dinner:

Thought for the Day:
Animals have these advantages over man: they never hear the clock strike, they die without any idea of death, they have no theologians to instruct them, their last moments are not disturbed by unwelcome and unpleasant ceremonies, their funerals cost them nothing, and no one starts lawsuits over their wills.
Voltaire



“3” Things that are occupying my mind:
One, never go hunting with a VP.

Second, the evangelical neo-conservative movement in this country is about 10 years behind the Taliban and company. Wait until someone makes a cartoon about Jesus and see how that segment reacts.

Third, politics at work are really starting to piss me right the fuck-off. It’s not like our job isnt stressful enough, but to have to watch your back, really takes some of the fun out of it all.

A very brief Re-cap of my Weekend:
Friday I left work early around 2pm, and went home. Made dinner and slept. Saturday, my flower had an event, and didn’t get home till 6pm, I went shopping then made dinner and slept.

Saturday night, we went to a party, at which I didn’t get drunk, but ate well, leaving around midnight. Upon our return to the manor house, we took the hounds for a walk, during which I fell, causing my knee to hurt yet again. (That’s my story and I am sticking to it) Sunday, we skipped out on Mass, I made dinner and we slept.

When I wasn’t sleeping or cooking, I was reading, I built a fire, made several pots of Earl Gray, and read three books. My liver and I are back on speaking terms.

The week ahead:

My flower is leaving for Nashville in the morning, so there will be no Valentines Day sex for me. She will be yet another jewel on the crown of country music. I trust she will call me every time she gets drunk, eats well, or meets someone she thinks I would find interesting. Also, she has a habit of getting famous to people prank call me, which many people find enjoyable. At least she eats and drinks well on the record companies’ tab, that’s my flower.

Sadly, however, I will find myself once again on the road, Tuesday and Thursday and a large part of Friday. So, I have no plans to get into trouble and limited opportunity if I did have said plans. Fuck, being a grown-up sucks sometimes.

Today’s Bill:
"To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow; a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."
--From Macbeth (V, v, 19)

Quote of the Day:
The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I remain, the pensive little man sitting on the Pandora’s Box of your Past:

JQP esq.

Monday Morning News:

Cheney errs; birdshot hits hunting Washington Post:

WASHINGTON – Vice President Cheney accidentally sprayed a companion with birdshot while hunting quail on a private Texas ranch, injuring the man in the face and chest, the vice president’s office confirmed Sunday after a Texas newspaper reported the incident.

The shooting occurred late Saturday afternoon while Cheney was hunting with Harry Whittington, 78, a prominent Austin, Texas, lawyer, on the Armstrong Ranch in south Texas.

Hearing a covey of birds, Cheney shot at one, not realizing that it was Whittington who had startled the quail and that he was in the line of fire. Whittington was treated on the scene by Cheney’s traveling medical detail before being taken by helicopter to a Corpus Christi hospital. He was in the intensive care unit at Christus Spohn Health System and listed in stable condition Sunday evening.

Katharine Armstrong, the ranch’s owner, saw what happened and told reporters Sunday that Cheney was using a 28-gauge shotgun, which shoots lighter pellets than a 12-gauge shotgun and is common among bird hunters. Whittington was about 30 yards away when he was hit in the cheek, neck and chest, she said.

According to Armstrong’s account, she was watching from a car while Cheney, Whittington and another hunter got out of the vehicle to shoot at a covey of quail. Whittington shot a bird and as he went to retrieve it, Cheney and the third hunter discovered a second covey.

Cheney’s office made no public announcement, deciding to defer to Armstrong because the accident had taken place on her property. Armstrong called the Corpus Christi Caller-Times, and when a reporter from the paper called the White House, the vice president’s office confirmed the account.

Armstrong told reporters that the small shotgun pellets “broke the skin” and that the blast “knocked him silly. But he was fine. He was talking. His eyes were open. It didn’t get in his eyes or anything like that,” she said.

“Fortunately, the vice president has got a lot of medical people around him and so they were right there and probably more cautious than we would have been,” she said. “The vice president has got an ambulance on call, so the ambulance came.”

The International Hunter Education Association, which represents safety coordinators for fish and wildlife agencies and tracks reports by state, said on its Web site that hunting accidents in the United States have declined about 30 percent over the past decade. In 2002, the most recent year data were available, 89 fatal and 761 non-fatal accidents were reported. In 26 of the cases, including one fatality, the intended target was quail.

“The vice president visited Harry Whittington at the hospital and was pleased to see that he’s doing fine and in good spirits,” Cheney spokeswoman Lea Anne McBride said Sunday. The vice president returned to Washington on Sunday night.

“The president was informed after the accident and received updates today,” White House press secretary Scott McClellan said Sunday.

Whittington is well-known around Austin. Feisty and outspoken, he is a millionaire real estate investor who is known for a reformer’s streak through his service on the Texas Board of Criminal Justice, which oversees the state prison system.

(One thing I have to say about old “Steal Dick” is there are no black bag operatives or hired assassins for him, you piss him off and he shoots you in the face with a shotgun just to make sure you get the point. Wonder if they will take away his NRA Goldcard? ...and 50/05 he was drunk when he did it.)

Vice officers had sex at parlors Washington Post:

In Spotsylvania County, Va., as part of a campaign by the sheriff’s office to root out prostitution in the massage parlor business, detectives have been receiving sexual services from “masseuses.” During several visits to an establishment called Moon Spa last month, detectives allowed women to perform sexual acts on them on four occasions and once left a $350 tip, according to court papers.

Spotsylvania Sheriff Howard D. Smith said the practice is not new and that only unmarried detectives are assigned to such cases. Most prostitutes are careful not to say anything incriminating, so sexual contact is necessary, he said.
“If I thought we could get the conviction without that, we wouldn’t allow it,” Smith said. “If you want to make ’em, this has to be done.”

But numerous police and legal experts said they were not aware of other law enforcement agencies allowing sexual contact in prostitution investigations.
“It’s insane,” said Charles J. Key Sr., a retired Baltimore police lieutenant who trains police officers and federal agents across the country. “If you allow officers to go through with the act, they’ve violated the law. You don’t get an exception for participating in a violation of law.”

Harry “Hap” Connors, chairman of the Spotsylvania Board of Supervisors, was not aware county investigators were having sexual contact with suspects.

Typically, a verbal agreement to provide services, plus an overt act such as undressing or producing a condom, will support a charge of soliciting prostitution, according to prosecutors, defense attorneys, police officials and law professors.

Key and others said undercover officers need only obtain an offer of sex-for-money to make a case. “Most of the time, they can get (prostitutes) far enough where there’s a solicitation,” Key said, “an offer of sex, which is far enough to put them under arrest.”
Jon Gould, a criminal law professor at George Mason University, said, “I’ve never heard of that anywhere else in any police department. You don’t have to go through with the act to prove (solicitation).” He said it is an improper use of taxpayer dollars.

Smith said most “professionals” know better than to name an explicit act and a price. And at Asian-run parlors that have periodically sprung up in Spotsylvania, “they don’t speak much English. There’s not a lot of conversation.”

Smith and Spotsylvania Assistant Commonwealth’s Attorney Thomas Shaia likened the situation to investigators buying drugs from a drug dealer. But police officials and prosecutors in many jurisdictions said buying drugs is not analogous; officers’ purchase drugs for evidence, but don’t use them.

Smith said his department’s approach was not a secret, since detectives had testified to similar experiences in trials of other massage parlor operators.

(Two things, First, isn’t this a text book case of entrapment?, Second, how do I get a job with that departments Vice Squad?)

It's Low Tide in the Thinking Dept.

Thought for the Day:
Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great. Mark Twain


(No comment necessary)

The worm crawls in…
Well dear readers, it’s the long awaited end of the week. A time when our co-workers pull their collective heads out of their asses in order to dump the shit they didn’t want to do all week on your lap (with a Monday morning deadline), so they can sneak out of work early to (take mom to a doctors appointment, get their car fixed, pick-up a sick kid, get their dialysis, or any one of a number of lame ass lies), used to fuck you over and cheat the man out of a few hours of work.

My flower has to work until 8 or 9 tonight and then back in to work Saturday morning until about 6pm, so I am pretty much on my own today and a large part of Saturday. Idle hands are the devils play ground, never more so, dear reader, than in the case of yours truly. I am sure I will find something of note in which to get myself into trouble with, such to my regret is my nature.

Tomorrow night we are invited to a local well known libertarian’s home for a dual birthday celebration within their self described family unit. I am looking forward to it; good company, good food and good drinks, plus I get to argue politics with people who are not right-wing-nuts for a change.

My No-Love-Thursday:
I worked, so it was no-love. I got home and my loving and pretty wife had made me a late supper of pork chops and pork chop gravy with green beans and buttermilk biscuits. The lady really knows how to do the JQP comfort foods. After our evening meal enjoyed in front of the TV vs. our normal formal dinning experience, we watched the Discovery-Times channel and caught up on each others life.

After our chat, I helped change her dressings from her fall on Monday and looked at her bruises. They are something to see, she has four bruises the size (no-shit) of dinner plates. I told her she could get a job nude modeling at some S&M website. To which she replied that “don’t all women look good with a few loving bruises and a strip of duct-tape over their mouths”. What I ask, is one to say to that. I think she learned her lesson about carrying cocktails in chilled glasses up and down the stairs while under the influence.

I myself am glad I didn’t come home from my time on the road to find her dead and the hounds very fat.


Your Drinks for the Weekend:


The Lumber Jack
(She had hands like a logger and a mouth like a trout, see if anyone gets that line)
Drink Ingredients:
0.5 oz. Southern Comfort
0.5 oz. Applejack (apple schnapps, if you don’t have Apple Jack)
0.5 oz. Simple Syrup
1 oz. Gin

Instruction:
Shake all ingredients with cracked ice and pour into a chilled cocktail glass.

The Shock Collar
(almost as good as a Goth girl in sweaty leather panties)
Drink Ingredients:
2 dashes Bitters
4 tsp. Pernod
2 oz. Scotch
2 oz. Cheap Vodka

Instruction:
In a mixing glass half-filled with ice cubes, combine all of the ingredients. Stir well. Strain into a cocktail glass.

Today’s Bill:
(I always loved the last line)

SONNET 94
They that have power to hurt and will do none,
That do not do the thing they most do show,
Who, moving others, are themselves as stone,
Unmoved, cold, and to temptation slow,
They rightly do inherit heaven's graces
And husband nature's riches from expense;
They are the lords and owners of their faces,
Others but stewards of their excellence.
The summer's flower is to the summer sweet,
Though to itself it only live and die,
But if that flower with base infection meet,
The basest weed outbraves his dignity:
For sweetest things turn sourest by their deeds;
Lilies that fester smell far worse than weeds.

Quote of the Day:
I am a Conservative to preserve all that is good in our constitution, a Radical to remove all that is bad. I seek to preserve property and to respect order, and I equally decry the appeal to the passions of the many or the prejudices of the few.
Benjamin Disraeli, campaign speech at High Wycombe, England, November 27, 1832

I remain, the Paul Bunyan of free love:

JQP esq.

No-Love-Thursday:

Thought for the Day:
Hide not your talents, they for use were made. What's a sun-dial in the shade?
Benjamin Franklin


(Mother is so very proud)

Guess What:
I am working tonight, as such… there is No-Love coming my way. I trust the members of this most illustrious of drinking clubs will carry on with out me. I picture them as a swarm of hornets set upon the weak, finding the vulnerable exposed parts of the unknowing’s self-esteem, driving their stingers deep and afterward buying them a drink. At least that’s how they treat me.

On the Work Front:
I am running around “like my ass was’ on fire and my head a catch'en”. Such is the joy of being out of the office days on end. However, my words were carried on all three local networks and one radio station yesterday, so once again I am famous… I roll like that.

In Today's Newspaper:
Injured ex-GI to receive refund, Forced to pay for body armor:
A former soldier injured in Iraq is getting a refund after being forced to pay for his missing body armor vest, which medics destroyed because it was soaked with his blood, officials said Wednesday. First Lt. William “Eddie” Rebrook IV, 25, had to leave the Army with a shrapnel injury to his arm. Before he could be discharged last week, he says he had to scrounge up cash from his buddies to pay $632 for the body armor and other gear he had lost.

Rebrook, who graduated from West Point with honors, said he was billed because a supply officer failed to document that the vest was destroyed as a biohazard. He said a battalion commander refused to sign a waiver, saying Rebrook would have to supply witness statements to verify the vest was taken from him and burned. “When that vest was removed from my bleeding body in Iraq, it was no longer my responsibility,” Rebrook said Wednesday.
Sen. Robert C. Byrd, D-W.Va., questioned Gen. Peter Schoomaker, chief of staff of the Army, on Tuesday during a Senate Armed Services Committee budget hearing, and on Wednesday an Army official said Rebrook would get refunds for the $510 vest and its contents, worth about $50.

Lt. Col. Scott Bleichwehl, spokesman for the First Cavalry Division at Fort Hood, Texas, said there have been at least 21 similar cases. “In all of those cases, not one soldier was held accountable for items lost in combat,” he said. Told of the refund, Rebrook said: “How kind of them.” He blamed the dispute on bureaucracy. “It’s the nature of the beast. ... I still love the Army, loved being a soldier and loved my unit. I’m not going to look back on my service with anything but pride,” he said. Rebrook was standing in the turret of a Bradley Fighting Vehicle when a roadside bomb exploded Jan. 11, 2005, fracturing his arm and severing an artery. He said he still has movement problems and pain, despite seven operations.

Ohio mom gets 6 years in ’99 infant dumping
A woman accused of stabbing her newborn son and dumping the body in a flooded quarry, weighed down by a duffel bag full of rocks, was sentenced Wednesday to six years in prison.
Jessica Coleman, 22, pleaded guilty in November to involuntary manslaughter and six other charges. She wept quietly as she was sentenced.

When the baby was born in 1999, Coleman was a high school sophomore who had concealed the pregnancy from family and friends. Authorities say she beat and stabbed the newborn, and her boyfriend helped her get rid of the body. The boyfriend, Thomas R. Truelson Jr., 25, was sentenced to two years in prison after pleading guilty to three charges, including gross abuse of a corpse. The baby’s body was found by recreational divers in 1999, about five months after it was born. It was dubbed Baby Boy Hope as authorities searched for the parents. There was a break in the case last spring when Coleman told a boyfriend about the baby. The boyfriend told a friend and two family members who contacted authorities.

More news at the top of the hour.

Today’s Bill:
"My words fly up, my thoughts remain below: Words without thoughts never to heaven go." --From Hamlet (III, iii, 100-103)

Quote of the Day:
People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of their character. Ralph Waldo Emerson

I remain, much like the tie that binds you:

JQP esq.

A few Random Thoughts for a Wednesday:

I am tired.

I am sick of fast food.

The standard of room cleanliness varies greatly in Holiday Inn Expresses; also I don’t feel any smarter when I stay at one.

Both my knee and my head hurt.

Winter sucks.

You can tell when you cross into the south by how disgusting the restrooms are; Often times my penis is the cleanest thing in them.

The south starts in southern Indiana.

I tend to call it northern Kentucky.

Madison, Indiana is the prettiest town I have seen in this state, it has great brew pubs and restaurants and it looks a lot like a scaled down Charleston. Yes, I plan on going back.

Every county in this state thinks they have the worst Meth problem.

I am on the road or busy 12 to 16 hours a day, all month.

My flower is leaving for a country music conference in Nashville on Valentines Day.

She will get drunk and call me every hour for the week she is gone.

Last year, she hung out with a midget country band and a black cowboy.

11% of all children born in this country are in fact born with tails.

I am thinking about giving up, alcohol, tobacco and firearms, for Lent.

I think South Carolinas state slogan should stay “Smiling faces and Beautiful places”

There are more rebel flags in southern Indiana than in all the mid-Atlantic southern states.

I ate at a place called Bubba’s, they had a garage and tow service attached, a mechanic was on duty.

I have a knack for running into traffic jams, that last for hours.

I know more about hotel/motel check-in policy’s than most of the people working there.

My cell phone goes dead when ever there is an emergency or something important going on.

I need to buy a phone card from the bodega down the street.

Indian’s run most of the motels in Indiana.

Sometimes it’s best if you bring your own linen.

I have met some really nice people and just a few assholes.

I tip housekeeping even though I am only there one night.

My wife was piss’ed at me Sunday, and took it out on Tattoo John, who she calls Peter Pan.

After getting home, she more appropriately redirected her anger.

She told me this morning she wasn’t mad at me anymore.

My flower went out Monday night before the “Nickleback” concert (sorry, she wasn’t able to get signed tee-shirts and CD’s, for you fans).

She fell drunkenly with a 2001 Kentucky Derby glass in her hand, at our humble home around 12:00am.

She called me from ER, where she was getting stitches in her hand.

She stole all forcipes and tweezers they used (they are great for tying fly’s).

When I got home last night, our home still looked like a crime took place, or at least a Voodoo ritual.

I had it clean when she got home from work.

I made a multi-cultural diner for us both: Pierogi’s, with French Onion soup and fiesta corn (the Green Giant kicks ass).

Someone at work as done their best to push me under the train while I was gone.

The police in Alabama now think that the church fires last week and the four last night, might somehow be linked.

JQP

(I am the 16 year old girl you have been talking to in myspace)

Guess what, I got into work and found out I am on the road, so… patent and dear reader, hit the archives for your JQP fix. Don’t worry, when I have time, there are many tails to be told and many wonders to be had. Told you this month would be like that...

JQP

From me pretty wife:

WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN ATTHE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTSREGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BYMonday, Jan. 2, 2006NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTSMAXIMUM.

Class 1 How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with SlidePresentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2 The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3 Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor --- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5 After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The KitchenSink? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6 Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7 Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The RightPlaces And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum . Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8 Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9 Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11 Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing . Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12 How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13 How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversariesand Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14 The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

On the Road…

I will be back Friday, I think… many adventures to be had, damsels to be saved, dragons to slay and all that shit. Look for the JQP Tent revival and traveling snake oil/hutchie-girl review coming soon to a small inbred town near you.

NLT:
I plan on being there and I am counting on all of you. Don’t let the team down.

Till then children, play nice and no sharing of you private parts.

JQP