Lost and Found for Sept 23rd 2004
Found on the Web (keep sending ‘em in)
The Local Body Politic
Ok, political signs in front yards, at my home I like to put out a Lyndon LaRoach for President sign, ( the pothead kid with zits down the block already has a Howard Stern sign in his yard, but hey I am glad he is taking an interest in politics, instead of asking again if he could baby-sit my twin 14 yr. old blonde-haired girls (as their mother says, they are after all little women now,)
Well, last week my neighbor Mr. McFeely, (believe we spoke off him in recent posts) took it upon him self to share his political views with my girlfriend, now, please understand my girlfriend is fat, and as such it is difficult for her to get around, so conversations that require standing make her feet hurt, which in due course I am asked to rub, do I strike you as a foot rubbing kind of guy? I throw-up when I open cat food. To help her I stole one of those little electric carts from a Kroger store (you know the kind you see old people. fat people and people with no legs in when you trying to buy your fresh ground chuck, like really, who needs to see that)
Well, anyway, she was getting out of her full sized van (it’s a custom van, done up just like the A-Team van, very cool), and Mr. McFeely walked across the street and started tell her why she was silly for having a Kerry sticker on her ride, Now she may be a big girl, but she is quick with the wit, well that and she can move pretty dog-gone-fast at a wedding buffet, but that’s another story. She retorted with, "that’s ok, we can just not elect W again". I suggested a more effective way to of handled the situation would have been to, when he's not looking, attach a large Kerry sign to his body permanently with epoxy, and a nail gun. He might be angry at first. But when he stops bleeding, and realizes all of the positive feedback he's getting from other people in the neighborhood, I think he would thank-you. And he'll be a bit more tolerant, which is what really matters.
Sadly she never got the chance to accomplish this mission for two reasons, First, Mr. McFeely was arrested for solicitation of an undercover police officer at a road side rest in Ohio, and tragic was shot while trying to flee, Secondly, and more importantly, because I dumped her soon after their exchange took place, (a story for another post, dear friends) and since I filed a restraining order she is not allowed within 200 yards of my domicile.
Don’t worry dear reader, I am now spending a great deal of time with my new girlfriend Rose, who I am sure you will be glad to know drives a Dodge Charger painted just like the Duke’s of Hazard, and she loves old 8-tracks of Canned Heat, she is however a bit skinner than I like them, and she has me buy her lots of sinus medication from drug stores across the tri-state area, that and she doesn’t seem to sleep, but other than that we have so many things in common other than of love of music, she spends a lot of time in the back room of her trailer working with her lab set, and I love science fiction novels from Peruvian authors. Wish me luck!
The War in Iraq:
I'm so bored with the war in Iraq. Can't we start a new war someplacemore interesting? How about Japan? They have happy ending massageparlors, sushi, and giant monsters. Now that's a country worth invading.
Europe strikes back:
The one thing I didn't mention in my last posting regarding the things I didn't like about Europeans was that apparently they have no sense of humor. (Or as they say in Europe, 'humour'.) I received a mountain of hate mail. (Or as they say in Europe 'montain'.) I really thought that the clever people who wrote in to correct this dumb American would be smart enough to recognize sarcasm when they saw it. I guess I was wrong. So now I really do hate Europe. We've already sent you Madonna and Woody Allen. Keep fucking up and we'll send you Britney Spears. You will have a taste of my furry after I open up a 55 gallon (that’s gallons not liters, you puss) of whoop-ass. And we're keeping Ali G so fuck off.
Holiday Wishes:
This week marks the Jewish New Year. So to all of my Jewish friends I say, happy New Year! That and why didn’t I get invited to your party? I am lots of fun at parties, I have the little Happy New Year hats and everything, and I just love champagne. See if I invite you to my Lent celebration.
Cut and Paste:
You know those things that people send you all the time that say things like, forward this to 10 friends or something bad will happen. We here is my idea, lets cut and paste this and see how far it get around… what do you say gang! To have you wish come true all you have to do is click your heels three times and say, "I love horseradish, I love horseradish, I love horseradish." due add some gross fun things to this~
And another take on old W: http://www.serendipity.li/wot/conover01.htm
The Local Body Politic
Ok, political signs in front yards, at my home I like to put out a Lyndon LaRoach for President sign, ( the pothead kid with zits down the block already has a Howard Stern sign in his yard, but hey I am glad he is taking an interest in politics, instead of asking again if he could baby-sit my twin 14 yr. old blonde-haired girls (as their mother says, they are after all little women now,)
Well, last week my neighbor Mr. McFeely, (believe we spoke off him in recent posts) took it upon him self to share his political views with my girlfriend, now, please understand my girlfriend is fat, and as such it is difficult for her to get around, so conversations that require standing make her feet hurt, which in due course I am asked to rub, do I strike you as a foot rubbing kind of guy? I throw-up when I open cat food. To help her I stole one of those little electric carts from a Kroger store (you know the kind you see old people. fat people and people with no legs in when you trying to buy your fresh ground chuck, like really, who needs to see that)
Well, anyway, she was getting out of her full sized van (it’s a custom van, done up just like the A-Team van, very cool), and Mr. McFeely walked across the street and started tell her why she was silly for having a Kerry sticker on her ride, Now she may be a big girl, but she is quick with the wit, well that and she can move pretty dog-gone-fast at a wedding buffet, but that’s another story. She retorted with, "that’s ok, we can just not elect W again". I suggested a more effective way to of handled the situation would have been to, when he's not looking, attach a large Kerry sign to his body permanently with epoxy, and a nail gun. He might be angry at first. But when he stops bleeding, and realizes all of the positive feedback he's getting from other people in the neighborhood, I think he would thank-you. And he'll be a bit more tolerant, which is what really matters.
Sadly she never got the chance to accomplish this mission for two reasons, First, Mr. McFeely was arrested for solicitation of an undercover police officer at a road side rest in Ohio, and tragic was shot while trying to flee, Secondly, and more importantly, because I dumped her soon after their exchange took place, (a story for another post, dear friends) and since I filed a restraining order she is not allowed within 200 yards of my domicile.
Don’t worry dear reader, I am now spending a great deal of time with my new girlfriend Rose, who I am sure you will be glad to know drives a Dodge Charger painted just like the Duke’s of Hazard, and she loves old 8-tracks of Canned Heat, she is however a bit skinner than I like them, and she has me buy her lots of sinus medication from drug stores across the tri-state area, that and she doesn’t seem to sleep, but other than that we have so many things in common other than of love of music, she spends a lot of time in the back room of her trailer working with her lab set, and I love science fiction novels from Peruvian authors. Wish me luck!
The War in Iraq:
I'm so bored with the war in Iraq. Can't we start a new war someplacemore interesting? How about Japan? They have happy ending massageparlors, sushi, and giant monsters. Now that's a country worth invading.
Europe strikes back:
The one thing I didn't mention in my last posting regarding the things I didn't like about Europeans was that apparently they have no sense of humor. (Or as they say in Europe, 'humour'.) I received a mountain of hate mail. (Or as they say in Europe 'montain'.) I really thought that the clever people who wrote in to correct this dumb American would be smart enough to recognize sarcasm when they saw it. I guess I was wrong. So now I really do hate Europe. We've already sent you Madonna and Woody Allen. Keep fucking up and we'll send you Britney Spears. You will have a taste of my furry after I open up a 55 gallon (that’s gallons not liters, you puss) of whoop-ass. And we're keeping Ali G so fuck off.
Holiday Wishes:
This week marks the Jewish New Year. So to all of my Jewish friends I say, happy New Year! That and why didn’t I get invited to your party? I am lots of fun at parties, I have the little Happy New Year hats and everything, and I just love champagne. See if I invite you to my Lent celebration.
Cut and Paste:
You know those things that people send you all the time that say things like, forward this to 10 friends or something bad will happen. We here is my idea, lets cut and paste this and see how far it get around… what do you say gang! To have you wish come true all you have to do is click your heels three times and say, "I love horseradish, I love horseradish, I love horseradish." due add some gross fun things to this~
And another take on old W: http://www.serendipity.li/wot/conover01.htm
posted by John Q. Public esq. at 1:41 PM
<< Home