The Rant: Sept. 9th 2004
The News:
Tragedy struck in Russia recently after the ill conceived, "Take a Chechen Rebel to School Day" got out of hand. Russian official’s vow that next year they will return to the, "Fun With Goats Day" that has proved to be so popular, and so safe in the past. Yesterday the Russians held a rally to protest the terrorist acts. Hearing this, the terrorists replied this morning on NPR, "We had no idea you found our terrorism so objectionable. We thought you were into it. We're sorry, we'll stop immediately." Boy, I don’t know about you but I for one am glad that's settled.
Former President Clinton recovers from his quadruple bypass surgery and doctors say if he wants to avoid problems in the future, he will need to exercise more, drink plenty of water, and choose a less fatty mistress. On the subject of Mr. Clinton, did anyone catch that when he lied it only involved one head, when W lied its cost over 1000 Americans theirs, *Note this is a running total. That and for years I have been trying to tell the girls in the office that a blow job was like a hand shake among colleagues, now with a nod to Clinton I have an act of congress to back my words up. Bill, you still the man.
Sports A few weeks ago I penned a few well meaning thoughts, as such I mentioned a sport European's call football. We Americans like to call it soccer, when we talk about it at all. This fortunately, is not often. Usually, it's only to say things like, "I was having trouble falling asleep last night, and luckily ESPN2 was showing soccer." Or, "How did it feel when that rabid badger bit you in the face? It was about as enjoyable as soccer." Anyway, tons of annoying, European People took the time to unhitch their oxen, and come in from the fields to "educate me" about soccer. "We call it football because we use our feet." They all whined. Yes, but aren't you wearing socks on those feet? Socks? Soccer? I rest my case.
Relations with the EU
Like most Americans I have no use for Europe, especially since we built Such a swell version of it at Epcot, not to mention the one we built in Las Vegas. Superior to actual Europe in terms of rides, as well as buffets, both of these versions of Europe include things that appear to be kryptonite to most real Europeans; manners, toothpaste, and deodorant. Yes I said manners. Europeans are rude. They refuse to speak English. And the ones who do speak English speak it poorly or with a funny accent. We didn't save your silly asses from Hitler to put up with this kind of piss poor attitude. (btw: my Uncle dropped fire on your cites in the big one) I understand that most Europeans hate Americans. Good. We hate you more. You have nothing that we want. Legalized prostitution? We have it, not to mention all of the slutty American girls giving it away for free. Crumbling ruins? Look at our inner cities. People speaking foreign languages? Get in a cab, go to a 7-11, go sit at the DMV for an hour. Which brings me to another point.If you all hate America so much, will you please stop coming? I don't Think they have patrol boats off the coast of Spain picking up flimsy rafts full of Americans trying to sneak into Europe so they can start a better life. When I walk through my estate it's like a tour of Europe. My butler isEnglish, my maids are French, and my gardeners all speak some kind ofgibberish so I assume they're from Europe, too. I would ask them, but like I said they all speak gibberish. Not to mention the fact that like all of my many employees, any of them trying to speak directly to me will be taken away and fed to the hounds. Anyway, my chauffer is German and my bodyguards are all from Belgium. Why you ask? Easy the Flems are surprisingly resilient.
I guess there are some good things about Europe, like EuroDisney, and I hear they've built a Hard Rock Cafe. But other than that I think it's pointless, and much too far to be of any use to anyone. I mean why go there when you could have just as much fun in Ohio? UN Weapons Inspectors
To-day in the news
The UN weapons inspectors have announced they found no evidence that the Iranians have a secret nuclear weapons program. Really? Because you would think there would be tons of evidence lying around if they had secret nuclear weapons program. Did they check under the bed? Look it up in the phone book? Ask the maid at the Motel 6? We should put those eagle-eyes at the Pentagon on it, look at all the suck-suess they have been having.
The Funny people I meet:
The Rich:
Ok, last night, after helping old people at the community center I ran into a woman, who asked me what I thought about the up-coming elections, she proceed to expound upon her view that what this great land needs was a tighter fist, the people who are political dissenters should be sent away, and tortured till they learned that the USA is a great place (this really happened) to which I retorted, Madam, you are clearly an idiot, or a former member of the Ta-Ta-Macu, most likely both. How did you come up with these ideas? Did you suffer from another blackout? The one where did you wake up, and many of your bad places were caked in dried blood and semen? Please go back on your medication and stop sniffing glue you dried up bitch. I will not quit talking about what is right with the world until your education is complete!
Educators:
The day before, I was at a local school (where between saving kittens from the gas chamber and sending e-mails to the fan clubs of my favorite pop idols, I volunteer as a crossing guard) , talking to a teacher about Steel/Steal Dicks views that so many of the Afro-American children would end up in jail before their 18th birthday, he asked…”I was wondering if your aware of your hated black people”, (come on me, of all people) That's a good question Cracker. Let me think. Are you a black person? “No”, he responded, Odd I said, because I know I hate you. I pride myself on hating all people as individuals. All of you as individuals are worthy of my endless undying hatred, and scorn. To hate someone for belonging to a particular group is just too easy. Unless we are talking about a really funny group like mimes, or the rich, but then again there nothing I hate more than an Estonian Philatelist. Those guys just suck. Anyway, I think my five year old is going to have a tuff time in this bastard’s class, oh, and do you know how hard it is to find a teachers home address these days?
The British:
Last Monday, I meet one of those people I was telling you about earlier. This is one of those Europeans I was telling you about. A sock-er fan from way back. He told me that we Americans “think your superior to people you don’t know and have a total disregard for their views. After briefing him on some of the finer parts of Irish history and a short over view of the 19th century I asked him if I as an American (Yank to him, yes they still talk like that) how could I possibly feel superior to you “Tommie” (his real name); with your amazing grasp of American society, you must of spent a lot of time at Eaton learning the error of our colonial ways. I'm glad you've taken the time to lift yourself off the floor of your local pub, out of the twin pools of your own vomit and urine, and come to our great land. You must be a fan of that scintillating intellectual British humor like Benny Hill. His biting social commentary always made me stop and think. As they say in Jolly Olde England, "Go fuck yourself". Why couldn't Princess Di have had you on her lap, with a broomstick up your ass, that fateful night so many years ago?)
Public Works:
Have you ever gone to a public park during a week day? Its odd, the people you see, here to name a few: married gay men (often close to restrooms, and why do we call them restrooms? I have never felt relaxed in a public toilet), City workers, mowing or sleeping in their trucks. and married couples who are having affairs. Now, does this sound to you like a good place to spend my tax dollars? I think not, that when I run for office, you will have to pay to use the parks, why the fuck should the fruits of my labor be used to support laziness’, infidelity, and gay-bath-house sex shows for Mr. McFeely?
A family Moment:
I got this in my e-mail a few Mondays ago…. From: "MaTt B"
(address changed to protect the stupid)Sent: Sunday, August 29, 2004 12:43 PMSubject: Guess What!!!! J hey dad school starts tomorow, call me when you get back, o yea i came in first in the time trials for cross country out of the whole team. My reply to his e-mail: MAtT, First off stop calling me dad. Yes, I did fuck your mother, but there was at least a dozen of us so I don't think it's fair to single me out. (and we were young, in college, and really needed the money) I'm sure your real dad is very proud of you and glad to See you're on the track team, and not off playing soccer.) Oh, and how is your mom doing, could you send me you home phone number and address?
Signed: C. Evert Coop MD
(makes you kind of wonder what kind of mail he got in his box the next day, doesn’t it?)
On Moving:
There is a saying that I have been hearing so many of my fellow citizens who follow a certain political party, whose leader is so dim-witted he can only respond to a single letter of the alphabet….have been using, I would like to give it a historical prospective:
1780's "Move to the Wilderness if you don't like British rule."
1860's "Why don't you move to Boston if you don't like slavery"
1910's "Move to Bolshevik Russia!"
1940's "Move to Russia (again)"
1960's "America, Love it or Leave It"
2000's "Move to France!" "Move to Canada!"
Whenever people on the left disagree with seeing our country taken over
by a bunch of corporate bandits, the right wing riff raff always tell us
to leave the country just because we disagree with how the country is
run. Well, I say, FUCK YOU, it's my country too.
That’s all for now dear children!
