Aug found on the web
The Rant for Aug. 12th
The News and my views:
Once again the Americans are sticking their noses where they don't belong. This time they've really done it. Bombing civilians is one thing, but separating Filipino Siamese twins joined at the brain? Have we learned nothing from watching X-Men? These mutants just want to be LEFT ALONE. His giant mutant brain probably would have allowed him to move objects without touching them, set fires, or read minds! But now we will never know. Of course, he might have been bent on world domination. Worse case scenario he's deprived of a good living on the freak show circuit, chained to a bed of dirty straw. Oh well, that's showbiz.
Now about the Swift boat folks, seems like one the ring leaders of this anti-Kerry group was fond of penning anti-Islamic and anti-Catholic views on a right wing waco web site, you know the kind of stuff the would get a car bomb parked in front of your kids school in Belfast. Not to mention not getting you any dates for your Jr. Prom in Beirut.
Health Beat:
My friends and family (and at times those nice people from the clinic) often say to me, "You seem to hate everybody, and everything. Isn't there anything you love?" Of course: I love to masturbate! There are few joys in life as simple and as perfect as rubbing one out. Even though I am now super rich, and I regularly bang actresses, models and pop stars who have names that rhyme with hoho, I occasionally give in to the immediate gratification of jerking off. There are no pleas for cuddling, there's no requests for child support, Or awkward questions like; "do you love me?", "how am I going to get this out of my hair?" or "But you're the one who put it in my ass! Also, sometimes when you're fucking a supermodel, you can split those Skinny bitches in half when you ease it all the way in, or blow the tops of their heads off if you cum too vigorously. Supermodels are really only made to be walking clothes hangers, they're not really designed for rough sex. Then you have bodies to dispose of. Fortunately, supermodels make excellent kindling.
But back to the subject at hand (no pun intended). I know you all think that you're excellent masturbators and are eager to type on your sticky keyboards and tell me about the latest porn site you found or fetish video-girls tied to rocks while eagles shit on them as they're fucked by porpoise, volume VII- that you just downloaded. I say boring! Amateur crap! What about your roommate?
Or let's pretend that you have a significant other who shares your home. Sadly, most of you probably still live with your mom, right? Let me clue you in. They are on to you. They check your history folder, they look at your cookies, and they've held a black light over your laptop.And the fact that you delete your history folder every night does notconvince them you're simply trying to conserve disk space, considering your hard drive also contains mpegs of every episode of Knight Rider.
When you're planning on having sex without a partner, you need to thinkoutside the box (no pun intended). The best place to masturbate, besides standing outside of the Today Show, is the kitchen. Yes, the kitchen with its endless supply of lubricants, and easy to clean surfaces. The kitchen; where you can beat your meat and make a sandwich. Best of all no one ever suspects. So here are some final tips.
Greasing up: It's the mother lode- from cooking spray to chunky peanutbutter, Tabasco to tabouille. Extra virgin olive oil is terrific. But if you have a fast hand, it may start to smoke. So, you may want something that can withstand the higher temperature, like peanut oil or Crisco. Do not be tempted to use Drano. I know it says it will clean your pipes but this is not a euphemism. Inspiration: Mrs. Butterworth, Betty Crocker, and Mama Celeste are allhotties. If you like men there's the guy on the Brawny paper towels, the Jolly Green Giant and Mr. Clean. If you're a freak there's Tony the Tiger, the Keebler elves, and the dancing hand from Hamburger Helper. Bonus items: Cucumbers, carrots, and wine bottles oh my! Rinse them When you're done or use them for coleslaw with your own special tang. Clean up: Again, it's a snap.
Personally I like to do it right into The dishwasher, but you're welcome to take advantage of the sink, the trashcan, and the oven mitts. While this advice holds true for both men and women, the ladies get oneadditional tip. You don't need to hide when you masturbate. No one will judge you, everyone wants to watch. You can actually make a fairly good living at it. If you need some help getting started, just let me know, I know a few people in the industry. Makes you think twice about coming over for dinner next Sunday doesn’t it? So enjoy yourself, and until next time,
this is the he who’s name cant no be said saying, "Bon Appetit!"
The News and my views:
Once again the Americans are sticking their noses where they don't belong. This time they've really done it. Bombing civilians is one thing, but separating Filipino Siamese twins joined at the brain? Have we learned nothing from watching X-Men? These mutants just want to be LEFT ALONE. His giant mutant brain probably would have allowed him to move objects without touching them, set fires, or read minds! But now we will never know. Of course, he might have been bent on world domination. Worse case scenario he's deprived of a good living on the freak show circuit, chained to a bed of dirty straw. Oh well, that's showbiz.
Now about the Swift boat folks, seems like one the ring leaders of this anti-Kerry group was fond of penning anti-Islamic and anti-Catholic views on a right wing waco web site, you know the kind of stuff the would get a car bomb parked in front of your kids school in Belfast. Not to mention not getting you any dates for your Jr. Prom in Beirut.
Health Beat:
My friends and family (and at times those nice people from the clinic) often say to me, "You seem to hate everybody, and everything. Isn't there anything you love?" Of course: I love to masturbate! There are few joys in life as simple and as perfect as rubbing one out. Even though I am now super rich, and I regularly bang actresses, models and pop stars who have names that rhyme with hoho, I occasionally give in to the immediate gratification of jerking off. There are no pleas for cuddling, there's no requests for child support, Or awkward questions like; "do you love me?", "how am I going to get this out of my hair?" or "But you're the one who put it in my ass! Also, sometimes when you're fucking a supermodel, you can split those Skinny bitches in half when you ease it all the way in, or blow the tops of their heads off if you cum too vigorously. Supermodels are really only made to be walking clothes hangers, they're not really designed for rough sex. Then you have bodies to dispose of. Fortunately, supermodels make excellent kindling.
But back to the subject at hand (no pun intended). I know you all think that you're excellent masturbators and are eager to type on your sticky keyboards and tell me about the latest porn site you found or fetish video-girls tied to rocks while eagles shit on them as they're fucked by porpoise, volume VII- that you just downloaded. I say boring! Amateur crap! What about your roommate?
Or let's pretend that you have a significant other who shares your home. Sadly, most of you probably still live with your mom, right? Let me clue you in. They are on to you. They check your history folder, they look at your cookies, and they've held a black light over your laptop.And the fact that you delete your history folder every night does notconvince them you're simply trying to conserve disk space, considering your hard drive also contains mpegs of every episode of Knight Rider.
When you're planning on having sex without a partner, you need to thinkoutside the box (no pun intended). The best place to masturbate, besides standing outside of the Today Show, is the kitchen. Yes, the kitchen with its endless supply of lubricants, and easy to clean surfaces. The kitchen; where you can beat your meat and make a sandwich. Best of all no one ever suspects. So here are some final tips.
Greasing up: It's the mother lode- from cooking spray to chunky peanutbutter, Tabasco to tabouille. Extra virgin olive oil is terrific. But if you have a fast hand, it may start to smoke. So, you may want something that can withstand the higher temperature, like peanut oil or Crisco. Do not be tempted to use Drano. I know it says it will clean your pipes but this is not a euphemism. Inspiration: Mrs. Butterworth, Betty Crocker, and Mama Celeste are allhotties. If you like men there's the guy on the Brawny paper towels, the Jolly Green Giant and Mr. Clean. If you're a freak there's Tony the Tiger, the Keebler elves, and the dancing hand from Hamburger Helper. Bonus items: Cucumbers, carrots, and wine bottles oh my! Rinse them When you're done or use them for coleslaw with your own special tang. Clean up: Again, it's a snap.
Personally I like to do it right into The dishwasher, but you're welcome to take advantage of the sink, the trashcan, and the oven mitts. While this advice holds true for both men and women, the ladies get oneadditional tip. You don't need to hide when you masturbate. No one will judge you, everyone wants to watch. You can actually make a fairly good living at it. If you need some help getting started, just let me know, I know a few people in the industry. Makes you think twice about coming over for dinner next Sunday doesn’t it? So enjoy yourself, and until next time,
this is the he who’s name cant no be said saying, "Bon Appetit!"
posted by John Q. Public esq. at 10:34 AM
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