Soilent Green meets The Matrix and Batman Two
On Cell-Phones:
Don’t you love getting mail that starts with “…subpoena you to testify” and its always hand delivered (four so far this morning, I guess the paralegals must of all gotten back from vacation, god-damn this expert witness thing could really start to generate some fat cash.
Why do I need “fat-cash” you ask? Well dear reader let me tell you a story about last night. I was finishing up my work here at the orphanage, it was “adopt a grandparent day” here, and my the children did love it so, that and who would of known that the aged could be that loud when a team of 7 year-olds raced them to the stairs while pushing wheelchairs. Pastor Bob called me and said that he and a local elected official that I will identify only as “The Dragon Master” were at my favorite bar enjoying a few cocktails (recipes for which were taken from this very site).
Now being an avid reader I am sure you know that I have been enforcing a be-kind to myself, no drinking thing, on doctor’s orders. So, you can imagine my quandary. You see I have a doctors appointment today at which they will give me something they call “medicine” which I call “make-u-piss-blood-shit-your-brains-out-throw-up-everything-you-eat” Which I understand is manufactured by Indiana based Eli Lilly, former employer of Governor Elect Mitch Daniels (do you smell a c-o-n-spiracy?) Well, knowing the state that I will be in, I decided, what the hell, if you’re going to be sick anyway, why not be hung-over and sick. So, off I went.
Pastor Bob and I got into a discussion about my new found respect and fear of spiders, which brought to mind for him my well regarded fear of bats (it stems from having to spend the night of my 13th birth in an abandoned building infested with them). I hate bats, well hate is not a strong enough word, I will run screaming like a little girl if I am around a bat, at least until I can find something to kill it with (which is another reason we no longer keep a loaded shotgun in the house, on the instance of the kind and fearless Mrs. John Q. Public, that and the cost of drywall these days). It was at this point that “The Dragon-Master” took his leave and we were joined by the “Traffic-Report Guy” a man with many tails to tell in his own right.
Oh, many laughs were had on the subject. But then it hit me, “How can I John Q. Public, make this fear/hatred work for me” I then dear reader it struck me, a by I what I can only decried as divine inspiration. Bat-Farming, Yes! bat-farming (copy write, trademark pending).
I want to give PETA something to shit their pants over (hairy, un-shaven, hippy animal rights co-eds, well, um, that is perhaps a topic for another time).
Wholesale Industrial Bat Farming:
Now I know what you’re thinking right now, “…John Q., I understand the concept but I am a little unsure of the product”. Sit back dear reader and I will explain. Bats are mammals, right? Has such, they don’t lay eggs but give birth and in giving birth suckle their little baby bats at the teat. Henceforth, my plan; large scale bat milking. Bat milk! And better yet bat cheese. Yes dear reader, I will set up the world’s first bat milking and cheese production operation.
Envision this, in a large warehouse in the abandoned industrial center of a rust belt city. A place no one would ever look. Row upon row of bats with their little leathery wings tacked down to strips of plywood, a tube running into their mouth feeding them mosquito larvae non-stop. A scaled down milking machine attached to their little bat breasts, pumping the warm bat milk into a pasteurization unit and a little conveyer belt at their tiny little butts to collect the bat guano. Product you ask? Milk, cheese and the world’s best fertilizer Bat Guano, not to mention the secondary market of mosquito larvae to pet stores and aquarium enthusiasts.
Now, people might say this sounds cruel, well many of these people are the same folks who thing nothing about eating a veal cutlet, or that turkey for the holidays, dear reader have you ever been to a containment farm? But, with my plan I will address these concerns. Antidepressants and antibiotics. We will feed them to the bats in their mosquito larvae meals in very large concentrations. They will live very happy healthy lives.
Now, I know a few off you are out there scratching your heads, asking John Q. who in their right mind would buy such things. Well, dear reader, I will tell you. The rich. Yes, the rich, the rich will buy anything if it’s rare, gross and expensive. Don’t believe me; have you ever had foie gras? Bat cheese would be the most expensive and rarest of all chesses. The rich would line up to buy it and if they didn’t we could always market it to the French or the Chinese, hell they will eat anything.
Think of the marketing! You know that bat cheese and milk will have high concentrations of Antidepressants and antibiotics in them. Most producers would shy away from that, not us! Eat Bat Cheese and be happy and healthy! Now really, would you rather eat a bit of cheese on a toast point with a glass of red wine, or take a pill? Hell, Ely Lilly you want a piece of the action, Mitch could probably find us some start up capital in the economic redevelopment package he is putting together! More money more money! Hell, I don’t want to run the damn thing, I just want to get the idea up and running and sell my interest to finance the new house the persistent and reproachful Mrs. John Q. Public and I are building in New Zealand.
Which of course brings me to cell phones. I was reading the Wall Street Journal this morning and discovered that India is the world’s largest consumer of cell phones. This started me thinking. Cell phones, now if you’re like me you have about three of four old cell phones lying around. You know the one you were so cool with back in 1987, the one with the battery you wore on your back.
What if I bought those cell phone from you for say fifty cents each, hell better yet I will start some story about how old cell phone batteries kill thousands every year, or make you fat, and I will come in and take them off your hands for say 10 dollars each. Then once I get my hands on those old cells phones I will sell them in India! More money more money! Bat farming, the new agriculture, re-sale cell phones!!! And you were there.
I remain to myself and others,
JQP
Don’t you love getting mail that starts with “…subpoena you to testify” and its always hand delivered (four so far this morning, I guess the paralegals must of all gotten back from vacation, god-damn this expert witness thing could really start to generate some fat cash.
Why do I need “fat-cash” you ask? Well dear reader let me tell you a story about last night. I was finishing up my work here at the orphanage, it was “adopt a grandparent day” here, and my the children did love it so, that and who would of known that the aged could be that loud when a team of 7 year-olds raced them to the stairs while pushing wheelchairs. Pastor Bob called me and said that he and a local elected official that I will identify only as “The Dragon Master” were at my favorite bar enjoying a few cocktails (recipes for which were taken from this very site).
Now being an avid reader I am sure you know that I have been enforcing a be-kind to myself, no drinking thing, on doctor’s orders. So, you can imagine my quandary. You see I have a doctors appointment today at which they will give me something they call “medicine” which I call “make-u-piss-blood-shit-your-brains-out-throw-up-everything-you-eat” Which I understand is manufactured by Indiana based Eli Lilly, former employer of Governor Elect Mitch Daniels (do you smell a c-o-n-spiracy?) Well, knowing the state that I will be in, I decided, what the hell, if you’re going to be sick anyway, why not be hung-over and sick. So, off I went.
Pastor Bob and I got into a discussion about my new found respect and fear of spiders, which brought to mind for him my well regarded fear of bats (it stems from having to spend the night of my 13th birth in an abandoned building infested with them). I hate bats, well hate is not a strong enough word, I will run screaming like a little girl if I am around a bat, at least until I can find something to kill it with (which is another reason we no longer keep a loaded shotgun in the house, on the instance of the kind and fearless Mrs. John Q. Public, that and the cost of drywall these days). It was at this point that “The Dragon-Master” took his leave and we were joined by the “Traffic-Report Guy” a man with many tails to tell in his own right.
Oh, many laughs were had on the subject. But then it hit me, “How can I John Q. Public, make this fear/hatred work for me” I then dear reader it struck me, a by I what I can only decried as divine inspiration. Bat-Farming, Yes! bat-farming (copy write, trademark pending).
I want to give PETA something to shit their pants over (hairy, un-shaven, hippy animal rights co-eds, well, um, that is perhaps a topic for another time).
Wholesale Industrial Bat Farming:
Now I know what you’re thinking right now, “…John Q., I understand the concept but I am a little unsure of the product”. Sit back dear reader and I will explain. Bats are mammals, right? Has such, they don’t lay eggs but give birth and in giving birth suckle their little baby bats at the teat. Henceforth, my plan; large scale bat milking. Bat milk! And better yet bat cheese. Yes dear reader, I will set up the world’s first bat milking and cheese production operation.
Envision this, in a large warehouse in the abandoned industrial center of a rust belt city. A place no one would ever look. Row upon row of bats with their little leathery wings tacked down to strips of plywood, a tube running into their mouth feeding them mosquito larvae non-stop. A scaled down milking machine attached to their little bat breasts, pumping the warm bat milk into a pasteurization unit and a little conveyer belt at their tiny little butts to collect the bat guano. Product you ask? Milk, cheese and the world’s best fertilizer Bat Guano, not to mention the secondary market of mosquito larvae to pet stores and aquarium enthusiasts.
Now, people might say this sounds cruel, well many of these people are the same folks who thing nothing about eating a veal cutlet, or that turkey for the holidays, dear reader have you ever been to a containment farm? But, with my plan I will address these concerns. Antidepressants and antibiotics. We will feed them to the bats in their mosquito larvae meals in very large concentrations. They will live very happy healthy lives.
Now, I know a few off you are out there scratching your heads, asking John Q. who in their right mind would buy such things. Well, dear reader, I will tell you. The rich. Yes, the rich, the rich will buy anything if it’s rare, gross and expensive. Don’t believe me; have you ever had foie gras? Bat cheese would be the most expensive and rarest of all chesses. The rich would line up to buy it and if they didn’t we could always market it to the French or the Chinese, hell they will eat anything.
Think of the marketing! You know that bat cheese and milk will have high concentrations of Antidepressants and antibiotics in them. Most producers would shy away from that, not us! Eat Bat Cheese and be happy and healthy! Now really, would you rather eat a bit of cheese on a toast point with a glass of red wine, or take a pill? Hell, Ely Lilly you want a piece of the action, Mitch could probably find us some start up capital in the economic redevelopment package he is putting together! More money more money! Hell, I don’t want to run the damn thing, I just want to get the idea up and running and sell my interest to finance the new house the persistent and reproachful Mrs. John Q. Public and I are building in New Zealand.
Which of course brings me to cell phones. I was reading the Wall Street Journal this morning and discovered that India is the world’s largest consumer of cell phones. This started me thinking. Cell phones, now if you’re like me you have about three of four old cell phones lying around. You know the one you were so cool with back in 1987, the one with the battery you wore on your back.
What if I bought those cell phone from you for say fifty cents each, hell better yet I will start some story about how old cell phone batteries kill thousands every year, or make you fat, and I will come in and take them off your hands for say 10 dollars each. Then once I get my hands on those old cells phones I will sell them in India! More money more money! Bat farming, the new agriculture, re-sale cell phones!!! And you were there.
I remain to myself and others,
JQP
posted by John Q. Public esq. at 4:33 AM
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