Ramblings of the Untreated and Unrepentant:
Only Two Shopping Days until Saint Patrick’s Day
Thought for the Day:
I once won a 4-H Club award for imitating animals-ducks, chickens, turkeys, geese, cows, hogs, roosters. I could also imitate accents-Scottish, Irish, Australian.
Charley Pride
(I never get invited to the fun sleepovers)
Today:
I am up to my ‘wee lil’ round, pouty ass in work today, if I am to take Friday off (and I am, dear reader, trust me I am), so even less wit and wisdom than usual. As a result here is some substandard work for your limited attention span.
Things I notice:
The people who talk the most about their faith are people who can barely hold onto it.
Why if everything is going so well in Iraq, am I paying so much at the pump?
Forget the Iraq, why am I paying so much for natural gas?
Online bill paying is not everything its cracked up to be.
Guinness is busting its ass to make St. Paddy’s day a week long holiday.
The problem with America today is that not enough people give a shit.
This country is three square meals away from revolution at any given time.
The Army raised its re-up age to 40 and is offering over 100,000 bucks to go back.
I really don’t like cold weather.
When my wife starts a diet, it pretty much makes me on a diet.
Hair growing out of my ears pisses me off.
The good people from USA Group Student Loans are in league with the Devil.
I can’t remember the last time I ate at a fast food joint.
I am an attractive man and women respond accordingly.
Eel sucks no matter how you cook it.
Condoms do in fact have use by dates.
Saying that your condoms are going to go bad if we don’t use them is not an effective come-on line.
I am thinking about selling my boat, cheap, on e-bay.
I miss Yugoslavia.
Potato pancakes and Major Grey’s Chutney with sausage stuffed leeks is a good breakfast for a lad such as myself.
Some seasonal Humor:
Paddy dies:
Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup he's burnt real bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy".
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two assholes." "What, he had two assholes?" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two assholes...."
Her Majesties Royal Navy and the Irish:
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 98. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-01:
IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert YOUR course.
BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
Another Paddy Joke:
A Patrick O’Malley suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at Our Lady of Misery Hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked, "Do you have health insurance?" He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance.. "
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a bitter old spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not bitter nor are they spinsters! We are married to God." The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Catholic Mass for Dummies & Prots:
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: 1. Parish information read only during the homily. 2. Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Congregation to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often a little shorter and sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams. Also known as the Vatican’s SS.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass– led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
Since reenlistment is an option, I find it sometimes best to reflect:
The Navy:
The Army:
Your Bill for the Day:
"He hath given his empire
Up to a whore."
--From Antony and Cleopatra (III, vi, 66-67)
Quote for the Day:
I'm proud of my Irish heritage and culture and this show will feature a lot of Irish dancing.
Michael Flatley, who is My Own personal Jesus.
I remain, the dry well of youthful optimism:
JQP
Thought for the Day:
I once won a 4-H Club award for imitating animals-ducks, chickens, turkeys, geese, cows, hogs, roosters. I could also imitate accents-Scottish, Irish, Australian.
Charley Pride
(I never get invited to the fun sleepovers)
Today:
I am up to my ‘wee lil’ round, pouty ass in work today, if I am to take Friday off (and I am, dear reader, trust me I am), so even less wit and wisdom than usual. As a result here is some substandard work for your limited attention span.
Things I notice:
The people who talk the most about their faith are people who can barely hold onto it.
Why if everything is going so well in Iraq, am I paying so much at the pump?
Forget the Iraq, why am I paying so much for natural gas?
Online bill paying is not everything its cracked up to be.
Guinness is busting its ass to make St. Paddy’s day a week long holiday.
The problem with America today is that not enough people give a shit.
This country is three square meals away from revolution at any given time.
The Army raised its re-up age to 40 and is offering over 100,000 bucks to go back.
I really don’t like cold weather.
When my wife starts a diet, it pretty much makes me on a diet.
Hair growing out of my ears pisses me off.
The good people from USA Group Student Loans are in league with the Devil.
I can’t remember the last time I ate at a fast food joint.
I am an attractive man and women respond accordingly.
Eel sucks no matter how you cook it.
Condoms do in fact have use by dates.
Saying that your condoms are going to go bad if we don’t use them is not an effective come-on line.
I am thinking about selling my boat, cheap, on e-bay.
I miss Yugoslavia.
Potato pancakes and Major Grey’s Chutney with sausage stuffed leeks is a good breakfast for a lad such as myself.
Some seasonal Humor:
Paddy dies:
Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup he's burnt real bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy".
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two assholes." "What, he had two assholes?" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two assholes...."
Her Majesties Royal Navy and the Irish:
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 98. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-01:
IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert YOUR course.
BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
Another Paddy Joke:
A Patrick O’Malley suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at Our Lady of Misery Hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked, "Do you have health insurance?" He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance.. "
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a bitter old spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not bitter nor are they spinsters! We are married to God." The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Catholic Mass for Dummies & Prots:
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: 1. Parish information read only during the homily. 2. Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Congregation to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often a little shorter and sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams. Also known as the Vatican’s SS.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass– led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
Since reenlistment is an option, I find it sometimes best to reflect:
The Navy:
The Army:
Your Bill for the Day:
"He hath given his empire
Up to a whore."
--From Antony and Cleopatra (III, vi, 66-67)
Quote for the Day:
I'm proud of my Irish heritage and culture and this show will feature a lot of Irish dancing.
Michael Flatley, who is My Own personal Jesus.
I remain, the dry well of youthful optimism:
JQP
posted by John Q. Public esq. at 2:20 AM
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