Friday, March 11, 2005

Religious Jokes for your Edification:

Office prayer
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow. AMEN!

The Pope vs. Moishe
About a century or two ago, the Pope challenged the Jewish community of Rome to a debate. The Jews looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the rules of debate. Not being used to saying very much, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews win." An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger, to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe.
"He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

The Catholic Priest
A catholic priest was giving confession one day when members of his congregation walked in and said, "Forgive father for I have sinned...I cheated on my husband/wife this week and I have no one else to turn to." The priest would reply, "You are forgiven my child...but try to keep from repeating this sinful nature."

Sunday morning comes and he decides to direct his sermon to all of those people who had committed adultery. The congregation was observant in the priest's actions because he said if they couldn't do better than this he would leave the church. The congregation liked the minister, so they came up with a code word for every time they had committed adultery...they would go into confession and say that they had "fallen" that week.

A couple of years later, that priest had died and was replaced. It came time for the new priest to do confessions and he noticed that many of his members were coming in, saying they had "fallen". The new priest was concerned about his congregation and took it upon himself to go to the courthouse and talk to the mayor.

The priest walks into the mayor's office and says, "Mr. Mayor, you have to do something about your sidewalks and walkways in the community." The mayor looking puzzled asks, "Sidewalks?" The priest says, "Yeah. Many of your citizens have fallen this week!" The mayor realizes what the priest is talking about and says, "There's no need to be concerned father. Don't worry about it and go home."

The priest replied, "No need to worry about it...I think if anyone should be worried it should be you; even your wife has fallen 3 times this week."