Memphis Mail
Something sent to me by J. Thom, the Jazz master
Subject: Some facts about Hell
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University ofWashington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gascools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we needto know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at whichthey are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets toHell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the differentReligions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state thatif you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since thereis more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to morethan one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls inHell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of thevolume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperatureand pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expandproportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman yearthat, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take intoaccount the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must betrue, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozenover.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, itfollows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divinebeing which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A
also:
Afternoon Quote:
A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom, but he has no means to realize it other than through violence. -- Jean Paul Sartre
Afternoon phrase:
jackbooted thugs:
n. 1. Cruelly and violently oppressive brutal ruffians or assassins, usually wearing jackboots. 2. Heavily armed DEA agents, usually dressed in full riot gear, who kick down innocent civilians' doors in search of harmless medicinal herbs.3. Heavily armed ATF agents, usually dressed in full riot gear, who kick down innocent civilians' doors in search of harmless cuban children.4. Heavily armed FBI agents, usually dressed in full riot gear, who kick down evil terrorist's doors in search of lethal VX nerve gas.
The jackbooted thugs were tired after a long day of hassling hippies, killing terrorists, and rescuing young cuban boys.
"Fuck you if you can't take a joke..."
JQP
Subject: Some facts about Hell
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University ofWashington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gascools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we needto know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at whichthey are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets toHell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the differentReligions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state thatif you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since thereis more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to morethan one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls inHell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of thevolume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperatureand pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expandproportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman yearthat, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take intoaccount the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must betrue, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozenover.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, itfollows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divinebeing which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A
also:
Afternoon Quote:
A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom, but he has no means to realize it other than through violence. -- Jean Paul Sartre
Afternoon phrase:
jackbooted thugs:
n. 1. Cruelly and violently oppressive brutal ruffians or assassins, usually wearing jackboots. 2. Heavily armed DEA agents, usually dressed in full riot gear, who kick down innocent civilians' doors in search of harmless medicinal herbs.3. Heavily armed ATF agents, usually dressed in full riot gear, who kick down innocent civilians' doors in search of harmless cuban children.4. Heavily armed FBI agents, usually dressed in full riot gear, who kick down evil terrorist's doors in search of lethal VX nerve gas.
The jackbooted thugs were tired after a long day of hassling hippies, killing terrorists, and rescuing young cuban boys.
"Fuck you if you can't take a joke..."
JQP
posted by John Q. Public esq. at 12:26 PM
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