JQP and the News:
National News:
Iraqi election must proceed, Bush says (Washington Post)
WASHINGTON – President Bush on Thursday flatly ruled out any delay in Iraqi elections scheduled for Jan. 30 despite the unrelenting insurgency, rejecting Sunni Muslim boycott threats and casting the vote as a critical step toward bringing U.S. troops home. In his strongest reaffirmation of the election plan, Bush attempted to end any doubt about whether the vote would go forward after days of debate among Iraqi politicians. Organizations representing the once-powerful Sunni minority have demanded the elections be put off until security is restored, while leaders of the majority Shiites have insisted the balloting proceed. Bush went on to sight the “Secret Plan” that he had worked out with his trusted advisors to get us out of Vietnam by Christmas. When corrected, the President said: “You know I meant Iraq…I see a victory coming soon, just down the road, where the evil doers will be out of luck”.
Methodists defrock lesbian clergywoman (Associated Press)
PUGHTOWN, Pa. – The United Methodist Church defrocked a lesbian minister who lives with her partner Thursday for violating the denomination’s ban on actively gay clergy – the first such decision by the church in 17 years. Church leaders said that all the media hype over this dismissal in just that; hype. “The Minster was dismissed because she failed the three tests, first fire burned her, if she was pure of heart it would not have, second when weighted with stones and thrown into a local river she did not float to the surface and last but most telling when asked she could not tell us what the method is.”
Mustangs and other wild life
In honor of World AIDs Day, Nevada’s first legal bordello re-opened in Virginia City, but the notorious Mustang Ranch name might be shut out of the action. Storey County has granted a brothel license to Wild Horse Resort & Spa owner Lance Gilman to operate a second brothel next to the Wild Horse about four miles east of the former Mustang property. “In the next few months we will be offering franchise opportunity’s to investors, we employee a lot of Asian illegal immigrants, or goal is to help them get a good start in life as a American, they learn a lot about what life here in this great land is all about.” Gilman, a major contributor to the Re-Elect the President and Re-Open Whore Houses Campaign last fall is expecting overwhelming support from a broad cross-section of male tourists’ traveling alone.
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!
Too bad firefighters didn’t have a pile of popcorn handy – or better yet, loads of lobster tails. An intense fire consumed half of the roof of the Associated Milk Producers Inc. butter packaging plant in New Ulm, Minn., sending melted butter flowing out of the facility. The sudden lost of over 900 million tons of butter has many in the dairy industry concerned, “We just don’t have dairy cows like we used to, now everyone is raising Black Angus” This has prompted cutting edge research preformed in conjunction with the University of Texas A & M and Purdue University into other mammal based sources of milk and milk products “Said Billy Williams Professor Emeritus at A&M: “We’re a looking at every thing up to and including bat milk.” No one was injured, but officials worried that the melted butter would interfere with the railroad tracks bordering the plant’s east end. The plant was holding an estimated 3 million pounds of butter at the time of the fire Wednesday.
Indiana News:
Daniels chooses his general counsel
Gov.-elect Mitch Daniels on Thursday named Columbus attorney Steven Schultz as the governor’s general counsel. Schultz joins the Daniels administration from the position of general counsel at Columbus-based Farmers CO-OP and Feed Mill. Schultz grew up in Indianapolis and graduated from Butler University before receiving his law degree from University of Phoenix On-line. In between, he served tables at the downtown Indianapolis location of TGIF’s. Said Swing-Shift Manager Robert Van Der Plank, “Steven was always a team player, he busted his little butt to make sure our Fridays customers were always served to the best of his ability, if anything there were times when he was a bit to overzealous.”
76% of straight Hoosiers would marry a person of the same sex (THG News)
Here is the scenario: You are a straight man. You like your job but your cheesy company has a terrible health benefit package with poor coverage. A single male friend of yours works a job with excellent benefits. You could be on your friend’s health plan for the same price you are currently paying, if only you go down to the local courthouse and get legally married. Would you do it?
In a recent Gallup poll, over 76% of single Hoosiers polled said yes, they would participate in a civil union with a person of the same sex if it meant they would have a better health plan. More and more Hoosiers are being squeezed by employers trying to increase profit margins by switching to cheaper, lower-quality providers and making employees pay a higher percentage of their health premiums. As a result, many Indiana residents are willing to do just about anything to have decent health benefits.
“If gay marriage was legalized, I would do it in a heartbeat,” said self-employed Greenfield resident Todd McKinley, who currently is without health insurance, “Don’t get me wrong, I’m not gay, I just want to be able to go to the doctor when I need to without worrying about paying through the nose for it.” “I don’t see anything wrong with it,” said Indianapolis steamfitter Bryan Overton, “Just because you have a marriage certificate doesn’t mean you have to be in love or bone each other.” Even though the majority of straight Hoosiers support an amendment to our state’s constitution that would allow gay marriage, the people who are against it make up a very vocal minority.
“Legalizing gay unions would be an abomination,” says Brownsburg preacher Tim Elliott, “The state would be endorsing immoral behavior. What’s next, polygamy, so people can save even more money? Not everything should come down to dollars and cents!”
Farm life, genes and drugs pay off for 111-year-old woman (AP)
MUNCIE – A woman celebrating her 111th birthday said she credits her long life to good genes and growing up on a farm and the abuse of prescription drugs. I could not face another day with out my little pep-pills, she told reporters on Thursday. Bertha Fry, whose birthday was Wednesday, said several relatives have lived past 90. Fry did plenty of work on the farm starting at a young age after her birth in 1893. “My late husband worked as a drug salesman for Eli Lilly in the 40’s and 50’s, and he always had free sample lying around, I guess that is my secret”.
Local News:
Intruders shoot man
A 22-year-old man was shot in the groin Wednesday night when five men with weapons stormed into his West Dewald Street home, Fort Wayne Police said. The victim told police the men entered his apartment just before 11 p.m. and demanded money. They rummaged through his belongings, then shot him. The victim was quoted as saying: “god-damn, oh, shit, god-damn, oh, shit”. Police are investigating, alcohol is not believed to be a factor in this crime.
Woman sues county
A Fort Wayne woman has sued the Allen County Adult Probation Department and the Alcohol Abuse Deterrent Program because of a requirement to attend Alcoholics Anonymous. Vickie DeBaille, 50, filed the suit in U.S. District Court, saying the requirement violates her First Amendment rights. She pleaded guilty in July 2003 to a charge of driving while intoxicated and was enrolled in the AADP program. That program then required her to attend AA meetings, which she said are religious in nature. Some AA meetings are in churches, and some begin or end with a prayer. Those attending do not acknowledge a specific deity, but refer to a “higher power.” The suit, filed in October, seeks an order blocking the two units from imposing the AA requirement. Indiana Governor Elect Mitch Daniels saw fit to comment on this lawsuit saying: “Hey JC and the gang can cure lepers he sure as heck cure a old drunk lady and even a few queers, all they have to do is pray. Just look at what it did for our President.”
Lunch box taken
Fort Wayne Police are looking for the suspect after a lunch box containing about $1,000 came up missing Monday night from a Broadway business. An employee at the Tobacco Emporium, 2036 Broadway, called police just before 8 p.m. to report that the box was missing. She said minutes earlier, a man had left the store suddenly after spending several hours there. The employee said the box was in plain sight on a glass counter and had money sticking out of it. The employee was away from the counter working on a display when the box disappeared. The security camera was not active at the time. Police are continuing to investigate. The employee did think it was odd that a man she described has homeless, stood in the store for several hours staring at the box.
Teens caught in lie
ELKHART — Two High School Honor Role students are suspected of stealing a car face felony charges after a police squad car’s video camera captured one of them bemoaning, “They got us.” After the teens, ages 17 and 16, were detained Monday, officers loaded them into a squad car. Without realizing they were being recorded by the in-car camera, police said the teens collaborated on a story about how they got the stolen vehicle. Police site the fact that the teens who both grew up in strict Old-Order Mennonite homes where TV’s were not present, did not know that police now as a matter of routine tape suspects. Said Detective Minnow Smite: “Anyhow, Nether one of the little buggers had ever even seen an episode of COPS, ya’ know?”
A Ray of Sunshine; I remain,
JQP (the Dan Rather of the upper mid-west)
Iraqi election must proceed, Bush says (Washington Post)
WASHINGTON – President Bush on Thursday flatly ruled out any delay in Iraqi elections scheduled for Jan. 30 despite the unrelenting insurgency, rejecting Sunni Muslim boycott threats and casting the vote as a critical step toward bringing U.S. troops home. In his strongest reaffirmation of the election plan, Bush attempted to end any doubt about whether the vote would go forward after days of debate among Iraqi politicians. Organizations representing the once-powerful Sunni minority have demanded the elections be put off until security is restored, while leaders of the majority Shiites have insisted the balloting proceed. Bush went on to sight the “Secret Plan” that he had worked out with his trusted advisors to get us out of Vietnam by Christmas. When corrected, the President said: “You know I meant Iraq…I see a victory coming soon, just down the road, where the evil doers will be out of luck”.
Methodists defrock lesbian clergywoman (Associated Press)
PUGHTOWN, Pa. – The United Methodist Church defrocked a lesbian minister who lives with her partner Thursday for violating the denomination’s ban on actively gay clergy – the first such decision by the church in 17 years. Church leaders said that all the media hype over this dismissal in just that; hype. “The Minster was dismissed because she failed the three tests, first fire burned her, if she was pure of heart it would not have, second when weighted with stones and thrown into a local river she did not float to the surface and last but most telling when asked she could not tell us what the method is.”
Mustangs and other wild life
In honor of World AIDs Day, Nevada’s first legal bordello re-opened in Virginia City, but the notorious Mustang Ranch name might be shut out of the action. Storey County has granted a brothel license to Wild Horse Resort & Spa owner Lance Gilman to operate a second brothel next to the Wild Horse about four miles east of the former Mustang property. “In the next few months we will be offering franchise opportunity’s to investors, we employee a lot of Asian illegal immigrants, or goal is to help them get a good start in life as a American, they learn a lot about what life here in this great land is all about.” Gilman, a major contributor to the Re-Elect the President and Re-Open Whore Houses Campaign last fall is expecting overwhelming support from a broad cross-section of male tourists’ traveling alone.
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!
Too bad firefighters didn’t have a pile of popcorn handy – or better yet, loads of lobster tails. An intense fire consumed half of the roof of the Associated Milk Producers Inc. butter packaging plant in New Ulm, Minn., sending melted butter flowing out of the facility. The sudden lost of over 900 million tons of butter has many in the dairy industry concerned, “We just don’t have dairy cows like we used to, now everyone is raising Black Angus” This has prompted cutting edge research preformed in conjunction with the University of Texas A & M and Purdue University into other mammal based sources of milk and milk products “Said Billy Williams Professor Emeritus at A&M: “We’re a looking at every thing up to and including bat milk.” No one was injured, but officials worried that the melted butter would interfere with the railroad tracks bordering the plant’s east end. The plant was holding an estimated 3 million pounds of butter at the time of the fire Wednesday.
Indiana News:
Daniels chooses his general counsel
Gov.-elect Mitch Daniels on Thursday named Columbus attorney Steven Schultz as the governor’s general counsel. Schultz joins the Daniels administration from the position of general counsel at Columbus-based Farmers CO-OP and Feed Mill. Schultz grew up in Indianapolis and graduated from Butler University before receiving his law degree from University of Phoenix On-line. In between, he served tables at the downtown Indianapolis location of TGIF’s. Said Swing-Shift Manager Robert Van Der Plank, “Steven was always a team player, he busted his little butt to make sure our Fridays customers were always served to the best of his ability, if anything there were times when he was a bit to overzealous.”
76% of straight Hoosiers would marry a person of the same sex (THG News)
Here is the scenario: You are a straight man. You like your job but your cheesy company has a terrible health benefit package with poor coverage. A single male friend of yours works a job with excellent benefits. You could be on your friend’s health plan for the same price you are currently paying, if only you go down to the local courthouse and get legally married. Would you do it?
In a recent Gallup poll, over 76% of single Hoosiers polled said yes, they would participate in a civil union with a person of the same sex if it meant they would have a better health plan. More and more Hoosiers are being squeezed by employers trying to increase profit margins by switching to cheaper, lower-quality providers and making employees pay a higher percentage of their health premiums. As a result, many Indiana residents are willing to do just about anything to have decent health benefits.
“If gay marriage was legalized, I would do it in a heartbeat,” said self-employed Greenfield resident Todd McKinley, who currently is without health insurance, “Don’t get me wrong, I’m not gay, I just want to be able to go to the doctor when I need to without worrying about paying through the nose for it.” “I don’t see anything wrong with it,” said Indianapolis steamfitter Bryan Overton, “Just because you have a marriage certificate doesn’t mean you have to be in love or bone each other.” Even though the majority of straight Hoosiers support an amendment to our state’s constitution that would allow gay marriage, the people who are against it make up a very vocal minority.
“Legalizing gay unions would be an abomination,” says Brownsburg preacher Tim Elliott, “The state would be endorsing immoral behavior. What’s next, polygamy, so people can save even more money? Not everything should come down to dollars and cents!”
Farm life, genes and drugs pay off for 111-year-old woman (AP)
MUNCIE – A woman celebrating her 111th birthday said she credits her long life to good genes and growing up on a farm and the abuse of prescription drugs. I could not face another day with out my little pep-pills, she told reporters on Thursday. Bertha Fry, whose birthday was Wednesday, said several relatives have lived past 90. Fry did plenty of work on the farm starting at a young age after her birth in 1893. “My late husband worked as a drug salesman for Eli Lilly in the 40’s and 50’s, and he always had free sample lying around, I guess that is my secret”.
Local News:
Intruders shoot man
A 22-year-old man was shot in the groin Wednesday night when five men with weapons stormed into his West Dewald Street home, Fort Wayne Police said. The victim told police the men entered his apartment just before 11 p.m. and demanded money. They rummaged through his belongings, then shot him. The victim was quoted as saying: “god-damn, oh, shit, god-damn, oh, shit”. Police are investigating, alcohol is not believed to be a factor in this crime.
Woman sues county
A Fort Wayne woman has sued the Allen County Adult Probation Department and the Alcohol Abuse Deterrent Program because of a requirement to attend Alcoholics Anonymous. Vickie DeBaille, 50, filed the suit in U.S. District Court, saying the requirement violates her First Amendment rights. She pleaded guilty in July 2003 to a charge of driving while intoxicated and was enrolled in the AADP program. That program then required her to attend AA meetings, which she said are religious in nature. Some AA meetings are in churches, and some begin or end with a prayer. Those attending do not acknowledge a specific deity, but refer to a “higher power.” The suit, filed in October, seeks an order blocking the two units from imposing the AA requirement. Indiana Governor Elect Mitch Daniels saw fit to comment on this lawsuit saying: “Hey JC and the gang can cure lepers he sure as heck cure a old drunk lady and even a few queers, all they have to do is pray. Just look at what it did for our President.”
Lunch box taken
Fort Wayne Police are looking for the suspect after a lunch box containing about $1,000 came up missing Monday night from a Broadway business. An employee at the Tobacco Emporium, 2036 Broadway, called police just before 8 p.m. to report that the box was missing. She said minutes earlier, a man had left the store suddenly after spending several hours there. The employee said the box was in plain sight on a glass counter and had money sticking out of it. The employee was away from the counter working on a display when the box disappeared. The security camera was not active at the time. Police are continuing to investigate. The employee did think it was odd that a man she described has homeless, stood in the store for several hours staring at the box.
Teens caught in lie
ELKHART — Two High School Honor Role students are suspected of stealing a car face felony charges after a police squad car’s video camera captured one of them bemoaning, “They got us.” After the teens, ages 17 and 16, were detained Monday, officers loaded them into a squad car. Without realizing they were being recorded by the in-car camera, police said the teens collaborated on a story about how they got the stolen vehicle. Police site the fact that the teens who both grew up in strict Old-Order Mennonite homes where TV’s were not present, did not know that police now as a matter of routine tape suspects. Said Detective Minnow Smite: “Anyhow, Nether one of the little buggers had ever even seen an episode of COPS, ya’ know?”
A Ray of Sunshine; I remain,
JQP (the Dan Rather of the upper mid-west)
posted by John Q. Public esq. at 2:30 AM
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