On Catholic Education and Chiropractic Arts:
Helping a Friend:
Last night, Father Phil called me, and asked for a meeting. I could tell by his tone it was not going to be a meeting I would enjoy.
It seems while the church has been rather indulgent in some of my activities (the “Come has your favorite Saint and/or Sinner” dinner and dance for the senior citizens and of course my driving of the Greater Grace New Tabernacle Faith Church and Show Choir church bus), but they have taken a rather less enlightened view on a few (very few, rest assured) of my other actions.
First some back-ground. A dear friend of mine from my days in the regiment, upon discharge from duty, came across one of those problems we all face, ergo: which career path to chose? When faced with the decision he chose the profession of chiropractics rather than his first dream of a profession in the world of dance. Some may say he sold-out, I however believe he bought in (that and I have seen him dance on several occasions, clogging is not for the faint of heart).
After completing his studies at the well regarded: “Inst. For Chiropractic Studies and Diesel Mechanics” located just off Exit 5 in beautiful Richmond, Indiana, a community known for its roses and RV sales.(its should be noted however that I am not an un-biased observer of said school, if you were to read the current catalog it lists myself has adjunct facility).
My friend (who for legal reasons will be know as “Doctor J”) started his practice in a spare room above his father’s Butcher Shop (perhaps you have seen their bumper stickers “ J######” Bros. Butcher Shop: No one, but no one beats our Meat”. Now for sake of story I must also tell you dear reader that their establishment is located right across the street from “Our Lady, Chicken of the Sea Catholic Church and Primary School” my home parish.
Sadly, “Doctor J’s” practice did not take off, he was even forced to help out in his father’s shop making their well know and highly regarded sausages (now available with “Super Secret Cougar Sausage Slaw” **trademark pending). Which was my opion at the time a waste of one of the great minds in modern chiropractic medicine.
“Doctor J”, had the presence of mind to seek out my council, and as a dear friend and comrade from our day’s in uniform (he still walks with a limp from a particularly nasty bite he received when out with me on a search and destroy mission in the red-light districts of the Philippine Islands, and I still carry a saber scar of that same event, my hat goes off to those brave ladies, the members of the elite Donkey-Dance Brigade, our gallant foes, our sworn enemies, but alas, perhaps a story for another time).
I came upon a solution, to his woes. As it happens I was recently asked if I could take over the teaching of the natural family planning class required of all good catholic couples if they wish to be married in the eyes of our great religion (how great you may ask? Well, dear reader, if you were buying Jesus, for 2,000 years we had the only store on the corner, yes…that great). I of course agreed, and also offered my skill as a cosmetic surgeon for a discounted rate as well; both Father and the Parish Council felt they would just have me do the class. Oh, well it was not only their loss, but a loss for many of us who are forced to sit through the weddings of the ugly.
I soon put my plan into action. Starting with the first class, I threw away the curriculum, much like those scenes made famous by the great dramatic actor Robin Williams in the movie “Dead Poets Society”. I proceeded for two hours every Wednesday night over 6 weeks, in the basement of the CYO, to educate my young charges. Oh, the joy of eager minds, and couples in love.
My instruction was focused on two areas I feel of great importance, the self-gratifier, and in-depth study of the Karma Sutra, while this may seem unconventional to some, I believe it was Buddha who said: “there are many paths to the mountain, but only one mountain”.
I found my focus relating to the time of conception and positioning being the most enlightened part of the whole series. I stressed that sexual activity between a loving couples should occur at least 3 times a day, 6 days a week (why did you think the good book calls Sunday a day of rest?). Also a strong point was the following (now I do realize that many readers of this posting will already be familiar with these activities, so, please for the sake of the less well rounded individuals bare with me) that the very best way to have a baby every time is the missionary position, however there is no chance of orgasms for either party, however the less well known position that will guarantee incredible orgasms for both parties with zero chance of conception is the secret Flying-S position, this is one favored by advanced practitioners of yoga, and some sects of Amish, examples of both were provided with thanks to the Beautiful and Loving Mrs. John Q. Public and when she was un-available my fat girl friend.
At the completion of the class, I handed them the business card of my good friend and comrade from our days in the calvary “Doctor J”. Whose practice picked up quite noticeably, to the point he like all other providers of medical services fled our inter-city neighborhood and got very tastefully decorated office over by the truck terminal, about a ½ mile past the airport.
Of course this brings me to the meeting with Father Phil. While still in a state of shock over the loss of “my bar”, I went to our appointment. It seems last Sunday, the parish council had a meeting, and acting on the directions of the diocese’s investigative office (yet, another reason to never trust a Jesuit, with their pierced ears and silk shirts, they are truly the Waffen SS of the Vatican).
It seems that a large number of young married couples started experiencing strange maladies, they include but are not limited to the following: hyper-extended necks, multiple hip dislocations, yellow discharge, and sprained wrists. While these injurys may be common among the yoga and Amish communities, here they were greeted with no un-due concern. Many of these injury’s resulted in the individuals and/or couples seeking chiropractic (enter my friend and colleague “Doctor J”) and in extreme cases orthopedic attention.
Dear reader, it did not take as long as I thought for them to track it back to me and my class on natural family planning. I have heard from sources close to the investigation that at one point both the Dept. of Homeland Defense and the CDC were consulted.
So, effective immediately I am not longer allowed to teach said class. Now some might look at this as a slap in the face, but I don’t, I was, after all only doing it to help a friend get his struggling practice up and running, and the way I see it, I will have even more time to devote to my latest project, life size statues of both Elvis and Bobby Knight (believe it or not, chain-saw art is a lot more difficult than is seems, and once again sorry! to my neighbor Ray who was helping me with the project last week, I am glad they were able to reattach it, the wonders of modern medicine never cease to amuse and entertain me).
I leave you now dear reader, as I am due in court (I moon-light as a public defender, it takes me back to my days with the Southern Law and Poverty Center). Still no cussing...!
Quote for the Day:
Pain (any pain--emotional, physical, and mental) has a message. The information it has about our life can be remarkably specific, but it usually falls into one of two categories: "We would be more alive if we did more of this," and, "Life would be lovelier if we did less of that." Once we get the pain's message, and follow its advice, the pain goes away.
Peter McWilliams, Life 101
Dedication:
This posting is dedicated to Fast Eddie, a prince among men and leader in the art communities on both coasts, who when he lost everything, left me with this word of wisdom: “whatever”…. Soldier on, Fast Eddie, Soldier on dear man.
Cheers!
JQP Lt. Col. Ret.
Last night, Father Phil called me, and asked for a meeting. I could tell by his tone it was not going to be a meeting I would enjoy.
It seems while the church has been rather indulgent in some of my activities (the “Come has your favorite Saint and/or Sinner” dinner and dance for the senior citizens and of course my driving of the Greater Grace New Tabernacle Faith Church and Show Choir church bus), but they have taken a rather less enlightened view on a few (very few, rest assured) of my other actions.
First some back-ground. A dear friend of mine from my days in the regiment, upon discharge from duty, came across one of those problems we all face, ergo: which career path to chose? When faced with the decision he chose the profession of chiropractics rather than his first dream of a profession in the world of dance. Some may say he sold-out, I however believe he bought in (that and I have seen him dance on several occasions, clogging is not for the faint of heart).
After completing his studies at the well regarded: “Inst. For Chiropractic Studies and Diesel Mechanics” located just off Exit 5 in beautiful Richmond, Indiana, a community known for its roses and RV sales.(its should be noted however that I am not an un-biased observer of said school, if you were to read the current catalog it lists myself has adjunct facility).
My friend (who for legal reasons will be know as “Doctor J”) started his practice in a spare room above his father’s Butcher Shop (perhaps you have seen their bumper stickers “ J######” Bros. Butcher Shop: No one, but no one beats our Meat”. Now for sake of story I must also tell you dear reader that their establishment is located right across the street from “Our Lady, Chicken of the Sea Catholic Church and Primary School” my home parish.
Sadly, “Doctor J’s” practice did not take off, he was even forced to help out in his father’s shop making their well know and highly regarded sausages (now available with “Super Secret Cougar Sausage Slaw” **trademark pending). Which was my opion at the time a waste of one of the great minds in modern chiropractic medicine.
“Doctor J”, had the presence of mind to seek out my council, and as a dear friend and comrade from our day’s in uniform (he still walks with a limp from a particularly nasty bite he received when out with me on a search and destroy mission in the red-light districts of the Philippine Islands, and I still carry a saber scar of that same event, my hat goes off to those brave ladies, the members of the elite Donkey-Dance Brigade, our gallant foes, our sworn enemies, but alas, perhaps a story for another time).
I came upon a solution, to his woes. As it happens I was recently asked if I could take over the teaching of the natural family planning class required of all good catholic couples if they wish to be married in the eyes of our great religion (how great you may ask? Well, dear reader, if you were buying Jesus, for 2,000 years we had the only store on the corner, yes…that great). I of course agreed, and also offered my skill as a cosmetic surgeon for a discounted rate as well; both Father and the Parish Council felt they would just have me do the class. Oh, well it was not only their loss, but a loss for many of us who are forced to sit through the weddings of the ugly.
I soon put my plan into action. Starting with the first class, I threw away the curriculum, much like those scenes made famous by the great dramatic actor Robin Williams in the movie “Dead Poets Society”. I proceeded for two hours every Wednesday night over 6 weeks, in the basement of the CYO, to educate my young charges. Oh, the joy of eager minds, and couples in love.
My instruction was focused on two areas I feel of great importance, the self-gratifier, and in-depth study of the Karma Sutra, while this may seem unconventional to some, I believe it was Buddha who said: “there are many paths to the mountain, but only one mountain”.
I found my focus relating to the time of conception and positioning being the most enlightened part of the whole series. I stressed that sexual activity between a loving couples should occur at least 3 times a day, 6 days a week (why did you think the good book calls Sunday a day of rest?). Also a strong point was the following (now I do realize that many readers of this posting will already be familiar with these activities, so, please for the sake of the less well rounded individuals bare with me) that the very best way to have a baby every time is the missionary position, however there is no chance of orgasms for either party, however the less well known position that will guarantee incredible orgasms for both parties with zero chance of conception is the secret Flying-S position, this is one favored by advanced practitioners of yoga, and some sects of Amish, examples of both were provided with thanks to the Beautiful and Loving Mrs. John Q. Public and when she was un-available my fat girl friend.
At the completion of the class, I handed them the business card of my good friend and comrade from our days in the calvary “Doctor J”. Whose practice picked up quite noticeably, to the point he like all other providers of medical services fled our inter-city neighborhood and got very tastefully decorated office over by the truck terminal, about a ½ mile past the airport.
Of course this brings me to the meeting with Father Phil. While still in a state of shock over the loss of “my bar”, I went to our appointment. It seems last Sunday, the parish council had a meeting, and acting on the directions of the diocese’s investigative office (yet, another reason to never trust a Jesuit, with their pierced ears and silk shirts, they are truly the Waffen SS of the Vatican).
It seems that a large number of young married couples started experiencing strange maladies, they include but are not limited to the following: hyper-extended necks, multiple hip dislocations, yellow discharge, and sprained wrists. While these injurys may be common among the yoga and Amish communities, here they were greeted with no un-due concern. Many of these injury’s resulted in the individuals and/or couples seeking chiropractic (enter my friend and colleague “Doctor J”) and in extreme cases orthopedic attention.
Dear reader, it did not take as long as I thought for them to track it back to me and my class on natural family planning. I have heard from sources close to the investigation that at one point both the Dept. of Homeland Defense and the CDC were consulted.
So, effective immediately I am not longer allowed to teach said class. Now some might look at this as a slap in the face, but I don’t, I was, after all only doing it to help a friend get his struggling practice up and running, and the way I see it, I will have even more time to devote to my latest project, life size statues of both Elvis and Bobby Knight (believe it or not, chain-saw art is a lot more difficult than is seems, and once again sorry! to my neighbor Ray who was helping me with the project last week, I am glad they were able to reattach it, the wonders of modern medicine never cease to amuse and entertain me).
I leave you now dear reader, as I am due in court (I moon-light as a public defender, it takes me back to my days with the Southern Law and Poverty Center). Still no cussing...!
Quote for the Day:
Pain (any pain--emotional, physical, and mental) has a message. The information it has about our life can be remarkably specific, but it usually falls into one of two categories: "We would be more alive if we did more of this," and, "Life would be lovelier if we did less of that." Once we get the pain's message, and follow its advice, the pain goes away.
Peter McWilliams, Life 101
Dedication:
This posting is dedicated to Fast Eddie, a prince among men and leader in the art communities on both coasts, who when he lost everything, left me with this word of wisdom: “whatever”…. Soldier on, Fast Eddie, Soldier on dear man.
Cheers!
JQP Lt. Col. Ret.
posted by John Q. Public esq. at 6:01 AM
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