Getting in touch with your inner Bolshevik
w's Weekend address from Crawford, TX vaction capital of Oil Money....
THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Like me, many across this great land aretaking lengthy vacations this month, to escape the roasting hotweather made possible by my bold policy of global climate enhancement.However, it has been brought to my attention that a relatively smallnumber of families are not enjoying the summer nearly as much as I am, because their fathers, mothers, brothers, sons and/or daughters havebeen wounded and/or killed in the War of Heroic Action against
Terrorism for the Future of a United Christian Kulture -- or, as myNSC counterterrorism experts sometimes call it: WHATtheFUCK?
All of us here in Crawford mourn the loss of these brave butultimately expendable men and women -- although if Cindy Sheehanthinks I'm going to let her anywhere near my house, she's out of herfreaking mind. However, I will now honor the sacrifices made by ourslaughtered troops and their annoying families with this brief momentof presidential silence. (Pauses briefly.)Fortunately, the minor casualties sustained in Iraq over the past week have not materially affected the fantastic economic progress beingmade by the wealthier members of our great society!
Corporate profits continue to grow at double-digit rates, while retailers catering tothe luxury market report record sales. In more affluent regions, homeprices are soaring -- a trend which is enriching real estatespeculators and encouraging millions of upper middle-class Americansto borrow heavily against the skyrocketing values of their suburbanmini-mansions. As a result, the personal savings rate has fallen tozero, and household debt levels have reached yet another all-timehigh. Clearly, the properity of our socioeconomic elite now rests on asound and stable footing.
True, the latest economic reports also show a modest share of thisprosperity is finally trickling down to America's working families.But rest assured: the Federal Reserve is on the case, and will raiseinterest rates as high as necessary to nip this dangerous inflationarytrend in the bud. America's true heros -- the CEOs and billionaireswho control our giant multinational corporations -- deserve no less.
We must not fail them in their hour of obscene prosperity, and as longas I am president, (sobs) we will not.You know, we've been through a lot these past four years (and when Isay "we," I am, of course, speaking hypothetically.) War, terrorism,recession, a major stock market crash, corporate accountingenhancements -- all of these things happened on my watch, and yet,with God's mercy and the blessings of the Ohio Republican Party, I wasre-elected.
Truly, in America all things are possible.Now, my administration is bringing that same can-do spirit to ournation's energy policy. We're ignoring the whiny pessmists who claimtoday's sky-high gas prices are just a taste of the economic andenvironmental chaos that could result if America doesn't curb itsinsatiable thirst for imported oil. Are these not the same effete andunpatriotic voices who predicted the failure of my bold campaign tomake Iraq safe for Iranian influence? They were wrong then and they'rewrong now.
As you may know, Congress recently approved my new energy bill, which will fatten the wallets of hundreds, if not thousands, of needy oilcompany executives and their elected representatives in Washington.Surely, if the history of this great nation has taught us anything,it's that massive government subsidies can accomplish anything --whether it's finding a cure for cancer or building a safe and reliablespace shuttle.
I'm confident my pork . . . I mean, my energy bill willbe every bit as successful.At the same time, though, we're making bold efforts to safeguardAmerica's foreign oil supplies by stepping up our campaign to bringthe blessings of democracy to the culturally backwards nations of theMiddle East -- by endorsing the ruling royal dynasty in Saudi Arabia,for example.There are some who feel the corrupt Saudi monarchy cannot survive muchlonger, and will eventually be overwhelmed by the forces of Islamicfundamentalism it has promoted and protected for decades. This, they say, could easily cause oil prices to double again, throwing theglobal economy into recession and revealing the fragile foundations ofour weakly regulated financial system.
Well, my answer is: Bring 'em on. The Saudi National Guard and secretpolice have the forces necessary to deal with the security situation.And even if they don't, there is no policy blunder so catastrophicthat our gigantic military machine can't bail me out, somehow.After all, isn't that the most important lesson of WHATtheFUCK?
In closing, let me just remind you that the American economy is stillthe envy of the world. And you can bet your SUVs that I will dowhatever it takes to keep it envious -- and to keep you, the American people, in a state of permanent, detached unreality. Because only thenwill our multinational corporations be able to completely unleash thespirit of mindless greed, so that even more of our billionaires canrealize the New American Dream.
Thanks for listening.
Suckers.
(Thank-You Mr. Dobbs)
THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Like me, many across this great land aretaking lengthy vacations this month, to escape the roasting hotweather made possible by my bold policy of global climate enhancement.However, it has been brought to my attention that a relatively smallnumber of families are not enjoying the summer nearly as much as I am, because their fathers, mothers, brothers, sons and/or daughters havebeen wounded and/or killed in the War of Heroic Action against
Terrorism for the Future of a United Christian Kulture -- or, as myNSC counterterrorism experts sometimes call it: WHATtheFUCK?
All of us here in Crawford mourn the loss of these brave butultimately expendable men and women -- although if Cindy Sheehanthinks I'm going to let her anywhere near my house, she's out of herfreaking mind. However, I will now honor the sacrifices made by ourslaughtered troops and their annoying families with this brief momentof presidential silence. (Pauses briefly.)Fortunately, the minor casualties sustained in Iraq over the past week have not materially affected the fantastic economic progress beingmade by the wealthier members of our great society!
Corporate profits continue to grow at double-digit rates, while retailers catering tothe luxury market report record sales. In more affluent regions, homeprices are soaring -- a trend which is enriching real estatespeculators and encouraging millions of upper middle-class Americansto borrow heavily against the skyrocketing values of their suburbanmini-mansions. As a result, the personal savings rate has fallen tozero, and household debt levels have reached yet another all-timehigh. Clearly, the properity of our socioeconomic elite now rests on asound and stable footing.
True, the latest economic reports also show a modest share of thisprosperity is finally trickling down to America's working families.But rest assured: the Federal Reserve is on the case, and will raiseinterest rates as high as necessary to nip this dangerous inflationarytrend in the bud. America's true heros -- the CEOs and billionaireswho control our giant multinational corporations -- deserve no less.
We must not fail them in their hour of obscene prosperity, and as longas I am president, (sobs) we will not.You know, we've been through a lot these past four years (and when Isay "we," I am, of course, speaking hypothetically.) War, terrorism,recession, a major stock market crash, corporate accountingenhancements -- all of these things happened on my watch, and yet,with God's mercy and the blessings of the Ohio Republican Party, I wasre-elected.
Truly, in America all things are possible.Now, my administration is bringing that same can-do spirit to ournation's energy policy. We're ignoring the whiny pessmists who claimtoday's sky-high gas prices are just a taste of the economic andenvironmental chaos that could result if America doesn't curb itsinsatiable thirst for imported oil. Are these not the same effete andunpatriotic voices who predicted the failure of my bold campaign tomake Iraq safe for Iranian influence? They were wrong then and they'rewrong now.
As you may know, Congress recently approved my new energy bill, which will fatten the wallets of hundreds, if not thousands, of needy oilcompany executives and their elected representatives in Washington.Surely, if the history of this great nation has taught us anything,it's that massive government subsidies can accomplish anything --whether it's finding a cure for cancer or building a safe and reliablespace shuttle.
I'm confident my pork . . . I mean, my energy bill willbe every bit as successful.At the same time, though, we're making bold efforts to safeguardAmerica's foreign oil supplies by stepping up our campaign to bringthe blessings of democracy to the culturally backwards nations of theMiddle East -- by endorsing the ruling royal dynasty in Saudi Arabia,for example.There are some who feel the corrupt Saudi monarchy cannot survive muchlonger, and will eventually be overwhelmed by the forces of Islamicfundamentalism it has promoted and protected for decades. This, they say, could easily cause oil prices to double again, throwing theglobal economy into recession and revealing the fragile foundations ofour weakly regulated financial system.
Well, my answer is: Bring 'em on. The Saudi National Guard and secretpolice have the forces necessary to deal with the security situation.And even if they don't, there is no policy blunder so catastrophicthat our gigantic military machine can't bail me out, somehow.After all, isn't that the most important lesson of WHATtheFUCK?
In closing, let me just remind you that the American economy is stillthe envy of the world. And you can bet your SUVs that I will dowhatever it takes to keep it envious -- and to keep you, the American people, in a state of permanent, detached unreality. Because only thenwill our multinational corporations be able to completely unleash thespirit of mindless greed, so that even more of our billionaires canrealize the New American Dream.
Thanks for listening.
Suckers.
(Thank-You Mr. Dobbs)
posted by John Q. Public esq. at 4:49 AM
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