Your Irish Jokes for the Day:
Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking.
"Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him.
The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German.
"Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport.
The guards then came to the Irishman.
"Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?"
"Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".
Seamus O Brien had been hailed the most intelligent Irish man for three years running.
He had topped such shows as Larry Gogans 'Just a Minute Quiz' and 'Quicksilver' (before Bunny Carrs demise).
It was suggested by the Irish Mensa board that he should enter into the English Mastermind Championships. He Did, and won a place.
On they evening of the competition, Seamus enters from the crowd and placed himself on the Leather Seat and made himself comfortable.
The lights dimmed and a spot light pointed at his face.
Magnus said "Seamus, What Subject are you studying?." Seamus responded, "Irish History". Very well said Magnus, Your first Question,
"In what year did the 'Easter Rising take Place?'
Seamus responds .."Pass"
OK said Magnus, "Who was the Leader of the Easter Rising?",
Seamus Responds .."Pass"
OK said Magnus, How long did the Easter Rising Last?"
Seamus Responds.. "Pass"
Instantly, a voice shout from the Crowd, "Good Man Seamus....Tell the English Nothing...."
A Sergeant and a Private were patrolling the streets in a Irish town near the Northern Irish border. There was a 9.00PM curfew in place.
Suddenly private Slattery shoots a man walking down a lane. The sergeant screams, Slattery its only 8.45, why did you shoot him, Slattery replies, well I know where he lives and he would never have made it by 9.00.
The mistress of a big English house; called her Irish maid and pointed out the dust still on top of the piano. 'Mary' she said 'I could write my name in this dust'.
Mary responded 'Isn't education a grand thing ma'm'.
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident.
They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!"
The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?" The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken." The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves."
The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?"
"Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'."
Murphy, Collins and Vella are drinking in a pub when a drunk comes in,
staggers up to them, and points at Collins, shouting, "Your mum's the best shag in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but Collins ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and stick his nose into a pint of Guinness at the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at Collins again, and says, "I just screwed your mum, and it was grand!"
Again Collins refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mum said it was the best thing since sliced bread!"
Finally Collins interrupts. "Go home, Dad,... you're pissed!"
Judge Flynn has his shoes in his hand and is sneaking out of the house
when his wife Maura catches him ...
Maura: "And where do you think you're sneaking off to?"
Judge Flynn: "Oh, my dear, I almost forgot to tell you - there's to be
a political meeting at the Irish Catholic Social Club this evening and I
must attend as it is about my judgeship."
Maura: "Flynn, if there's any drinking, there will be no living with
me."
Judge Flynn: "Oh, no my dear - this is strictly a political meeting."
And, off Flynn goes for an evening of carousing with the boys ...
He comes home at 2 AM, snot-flying drunk, balls his clothes up, throws
them in the laundry, gets fresh clothes, catches a few winks on the
couch and sneaks out before herself is awake.
At 9:30 AM he is hearing cases when the clerk of the court slides a note
onto the bench. The note says: "It's your wife, she says its urgent!"
So Judge Flynn calls a recess and goes into his office to call home.
Maura: "Ye bastid Flynn! Didn't I tell you if you went out drinking
they'd be no living with me?"
Judge Flynn: "Oh my dear there was no drinking."
Maura: "Then what's this vomit doing all down the front of your suit,
shirt and necktie?"
Judge Flynn: "Oh, my dear, I almost forgot to tell you - when I came
out of the meeting there was this terrible drunken man that came up and
vomited right down the front of me. But I called the boys in blue and
they threw him into the wagon and he'll be up before me this morning.
I'll give that boyo thirty days in jail for his trouble!"
Maura: "Well, see that you do!"
At 10:00 AM he is still hearing cases when the clerk of the court slides
another note onto the bench. The note says: "It's your wife again, she
says its urgent!"
So Judge Flynn calls a recess and goes into his office to call home.
Maura: "And has that terrible drunken man been up before you - the one
that's going to get thirty days in jail?"
Judge Flynn: "Oh no my dear but when he comes up - it's thirty days for
him!"
Maura: "No darling, give him ninety days."
Judge Flynn: "That seems excessive - why ninety days?"
Maura: "Because he shit your pants too!"
An English MP was addressing a crowd in Belfast. He stated to the masses "I was born an Englishman, I've lived an Englishman, and by God I shall die an Englishman!"
Then, from the back of the crowd, a voice yelled "Shiteman, have ye no ambition?"
Everyone need a bit o' Irish in 'em!
John Q. O'Public
"Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him.
The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German.
"Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport.
The guards then came to the Irishman.
"Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?"
"Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".
Seamus O Brien had been hailed the most intelligent Irish man for three years running.
He had topped such shows as Larry Gogans 'Just a Minute Quiz' and 'Quicksilver' (before Bunny Carrs demise).
It was suggested by the Irish Mensa board that he should enter into the English Mastermind Championships. He Did, and won a place.
On they evening of the competition, Seamus enters from the crowd and placed himself on the Leather Seat and made himself comfortable.
The lights dimmed and a spot light pointed at his face.
Magnus said "Seamus, What Subject are you studying?." Seamus responded, "Irish History". Very well said Magnus, Your first Question,
"In what year did the 'Easter Rising take Place?'
Seamus responds .."Pass"
OK said Magnus, "Who was the Leader of the Easter Rising?",
Seamus Responds .."Pass"
OK said Magnus, How long did the Easter Rising Last?"
Seamus Responds.. "Pass"
Instantly, a voice shout from the Crowd, "Good Man Seamus....Tell the English Nothing...."
A Sergeant and a Private were patrolling the streets in a Irish town near the Northern Irish border. There was a 9.00PM curfew in place.
Suddenly private Slattery shoots a man walking down a lane. The sergeant screams, Slattery its only 8.45, why did you shoot him, Slattery replies, well I know where he lives and he would never have made it by 9.00.
The mistress of a big English house; called her Irish maid and pointed out the dust still on top of the piano. 'Mary' she said 'I could write my name in this dust'.
Mary responded 'Isn't education a grand thing ma'm'.
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident.
They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!"
The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?" The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken." The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves."
The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?"
"Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'."
Murphy, Collins and Vella are drinking in a pub when a drunk comes in,
staggers up to them, and points at Collins, shouting, "Your mum's the best shag in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but Collins ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and stick his nose into a pint of Guinness at the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at Collins again, and says, "I just screwed your mum, and it was grand!"
Again Collins refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mum said it was the best thing since sliced bread!"
Finally Collins interrupts. "Go home, Dad,... you're pissed!"
Judge Flynn has his shoes in his hand and is sneaking out of the house
when his wife Maura catches him ...
Maura: "And where do you think you're sneaking off to?"
Judge Flynn: "Oh, my dear, I almost forgot to tell you - there's to be
a political meeting at the Irish Catholic Social Club this evening and I
must attend as it is about my judgeship."
Maura: "Flynn, if there's any drinking, there will be no living with
me."
Judge Flynn: "Oh, no my dear - this is strictly a political meeting."
And, off Flynn goes for an evening of carousing with the boys ...
He comes home at 2 AM, snot-flying drunk, balls his clothes up, throws
them in the laundry, gets fresh clothes, catches a few winks on the
couch and sneaks out before herself is awake.
At 9:30 AM he is hearing cases when the clerk of the court slides a note
onto the bench. The note says: "It's your wife, she says its urgent!"
So Judge Flynn calls a recess and goes into his office to call home.
Maura: "Ye bastid Flynn! Didn't I tell you if you went out drinking
they'd be no living with me?"
Judge Flynn: "Oh my dear there was no drinking."
Maura: "Then what's this vomit doing all down the front of your suit,
shirt and necktie?"
Judge Flynn: "Oh, my dear, I almost forgot to tell you - when I came
out of the meeting there was this terrible drunken man that came up and
vomited right down the front of me. But I called the boys in blue and
they threw him into the wagon and he'll be up before me this morning.
I'll give that boyo thirty days in jail for his trouble!"
Maura: "Well, see that you do!"
At 10:00 AM he is still hearing cases when the clerk of the court slides
another note onto the bench. The note says: "It's your wife again, she
says its urgent!"
So Judge Flynn calls a recess and goes into his office to call home.
Maura: "And has that terrible drunken man been up before you - the one
that's going to get thirty days in jail?"
Judge Flynn: "Oh no my dear but when he comes up - it's thirty days for
him!"
Maura: "No darling, give him ninety days."
Judge Flynn: "That seems excessive - why ninety days?"
Maura: "Because he shit your pants too!"
An English MP was addressing a crowd in Belfast. He stated to the masses "I was born an Englishman, I've lived an Englishman, and by God I shall die an Englishman!"
Then, from the back of the crowd, a voice yelled "Shiteman, have ye no ambition?"
Everyone need a bit o' Irish in 'em!
John Q. O'Public
posted by John Q. Public esq. at 2:45 AM
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