Tan, Rested and Ready:

Dateline: In and/or Around the Phoenix Metro Area

Gather around children, I am still alive. Coming to your from the land of Mormons, Mexicans and High Plains Mid-Westerners. I type this from beside my pool, while enjoying a fine Cuban cigar and a tall gin and tonic (dbl lime, as you know). Since I am still trying to work out the bugs on my new laptop, please accept this, my first real post from the Reservation for your edification; however it will regrettably have to be brief.

Let me start with some random thoughts and opinions that may or may not have any relevance:

My departure from the Great State of Indiana was preceded by several weeks of behavior that would make Bacchus blush, when those cloudy, scattered memories surface I push them right down to the bottoms of my feet.

I traveled to the Lands West, with Tattoo John, who needed to leave the jurisdiction of several mid-western states in a hurry.

Don’t ask.

There were photos taken of the many adventures we had along the way, perhaps when I pay the last payment to the extortionist, I will post some.

We ate some good BBQ in Cuba, AR.

Tattoo John and I got asked to leave a tour of an un-named brewery in the City of St. Louis, we did however catch a baseball game.

It’s not advisable to get lost in certain parts of St. Louis, unless of course you’re JQP and Tattoo John.

What can I say, I am a people person.

Oklahoma is really not OK.

It’s a lot like Indiana, but with cows not pigs.

I looked and couldn’t find anyone named Jobe in the Oklahoma City phone book.

The memorial downtown will stick with you.

I made a detour to the birth place of Mr. Roger Miller, I cried, it was so moving.

Tattoo John is a well known author on the subject of Native American pottery.

I got drunk in a bar that had saddles instead of bar stools.

I knocked myself out by falling off of one of them.

I am told I fell, I don’t believe it, I know in my heart I was pushed.

I ate a 10 pound steak in Texas and got it for free.

I am a hero to everyone but cows.

I got my picture taken in Winslow, Arizona.

On a corner with a girl in a flat bed Ford.

I saw a meteor crater, for only 15.00.

They charge a lot more for shots here, a lot.

This city is like a suburban theme park, with Western overtones.

You don’t want to get a DUI in this state, they send you to jail for a few weeks.

Jail here is tents in the fucking desert, where they make you wear pink underwear and the only food is old bologna served thoughtfully on stale bread. On a side note, that also happens to be the weekend menu at the City-County Lock-Up in Allen Co. Indiana.

Note to self: Look into teaching position at the Corrections Culinary Institute.

My pee is always yellow here.

I can’t get used to drinking in strip malls.

Clubs yes, malls no.

There are some very odd people here and I am not talking about those I already knew and/or brought with me.

Historic stuff here was built in the 1960’s.

The pretty Mrs. JQP and I live in an older home, it was built in 2001.

What can I say; she thinks older homes have more charm.

I voted in elections in two states.

I giggled to myself at the results.

Don’t blame me I voted for Al Franken.

People here follow pro sports, not college.

God’s team is ranked #5 today.

There are a lot of plastic tits here.

My new neighbor is a personal trainer.

She is nice, I like her.

I bought new sandals at Macy’s for 200 bucks.

They make my feet smell like ass.

Phoenix has all the fucking traffic of LA, but none of the ocean.

They have a 12.00 cover charge at noon at the strip bars here.

I golfed with Mr. Alice Cooper, well me and 300 other people.

I don’t golf; I do however enjoy eating free food and drinking free booze.

Lil’ Kevin and Tattoo John make me look like a teetotaler when it comes to drinking; sadly they tend to make me look like Daddy Warbucks when it comes to paying for said drinks.

I tend to eat half as much here.

If you Google Earth my current address, you will notice a resemblance to the face of the moon.

I saw the Stones last week (great show) and I am seeing Aerosmith tonight.

There are 100’s of Mexican men standing on the street corners looking for work every morning. Sadly there are not 100’s of prostitutes.

It’s a chilly day here in the valley; it only got up to 79 degrees.

On the plus side the ice in my cocktails didn’t melt as quick.

So far about 20 people are planning on coming and visiting us this winter.

While is has been nice to take a break from saving the world as you know it, I do however miss my work.

I also miss my friends and my bar.

When I got my back waxed, I got talked into a Brazilian wax job.

I have a mountain across the street from me on one side and an Indian reservation on the other.

Well children that’s all for now, baby steps you know, I need to get back into practice. All my love, sleep well little ones or the monsters will chew your eyelids off.

I remain, much like a Planter’s Wart on the sole of body Politic:

JQP esq.