From the Desk of Mrs. JQP:
This is from a reporter in Orlando Mike Thomas
COMMENTARYJanuary 3, 2007
Call me a traitor, but I am professionally obligated to tell the truth.We don't have a chance. Florida is a small, academically elite, basketballschool. The Buckeyes are brutes coming down out of the frozen wasteland,looking for one more corpse to trample before moving on to the NFL. They will destroy us. And then it's off to E. 15th Ave. to burn mattresses,cars, small animals and fraternity pledges. Except for Maurice Clarett. He'll just rattle his cup on the cell bars. This is amazing. A star player goes off to prison and they just reload. It's like playing Florida State .
These are not the pleasant little Big Ten Badgers from Wisconsin or thecerebral Wolverines from Michigan . The Buckeyes are big, dumb, and now, frighteningly enough, they are fast. Remember what the 1995 Cornhuskers did to us in the Fiesta Bowl? Imagine ifthey also had the ability to throw a forward pass. It would have been likegiving Sitting Bull assault rifles at Little Bighorn. That's what we are up against with the 2006 Ohio State Buckeyes. We are the treading water. They are JAWS. When they are done with us, send them to Iraq to quell the insurgency. The only good thing about this game is that it isn't in Florida . Because whenever Ohio State fans travel to a bowl game in the Sunbelt , they buyone-way tickets.
It's not that I don't like people from Ohio . It's just that now there are more people from Ohio in Florida than there arepeople from Ohio in Ohio . Our managing editor is from the Cleveland Plain Dealer. The reporter sittingnext to me went to Ohio University , as did one of our tourism reporters. For crying out loud, the last two Gators coaches came from Ohio ! It's like a non-stop Mariel Boat Lift. They flood across our borders, up to18 of them crammed in a single 1987 Plymouth Voyager. Sure must be some kind of hellhole up there.
Anyway, for those few people in Orlando who are not from Ohio , let me fill you in on the Buckeyes. Whereas Florida 's mascot is the alligator, a fierce, man-eating predator,Ohio State 's mascot is a tree nut, albeit a formidable one that could causeconsiderable gastric distress if eaten to excess. Before every game, a little man wearing a nut head and prison garb in Ohio State colors runs out on the field. He certainly is no Chief Osceola with a flaming spear. He's more likesomething you'd see on Sesame Street or Dora the Explorer. I dare say Albert the Alligator will keel over laughing when he sees him. But Nut Head whips those fans into a frenzy. It can be 10 degrees below zero but invariably four burly brutes will bare their jiggling man fat to reveal the letters OIOH.
Whereas we do the Gator Chomp and the 'Noles do the Tomahawk Chop, theBuckeyes do the Woody Punch. All this is why the standard retort of Michigan fans after Ohio State beatsthem is: "Oh yeah, we'll we play again next year but you'll always be dumb.' But they are making strides at Ohio State . They can write in cursive now. During the marching band routines at halftime, the tuba player has dotted the correct letter in Ohio three games in a row.
They've come up with a new degree program called "undeclared major'' that 39 players on the football team have enrolled in. And, as I previously mentioned, they now can be trained to throw thefootball. We are doomed. Art Schlichter offered me a 19-point spread and I didn't take it. Please have mercy on us, oh mighty Buckeyes.
Mike Thomas can be reached atmthomas@orlandosentinel.com or 407-420-5525.
COMMENTARYJanuary 3, 2007
Call me a traitor, but I am professionally obligated to tell the truth.We don't have a chance. Florida is a small, academically elite, basketballschool. The Buckeyes are brutes coming down out of the frozen wasteland,looking for one more corpse to trample before moving on to the NFL. They will destroy us. And then it's off to E. 15th Ave. to burn mattresses,cars, small animals and fraternity pledges. Except for Maurice Clarett. He'll just rattle his cup on the cell bars. This is amazing. A star player goes off to prison and they just reload. It's like playing Florida State .
These are not the pleasant little Big Ten Badgers from Wisconsin or thecerebral Wolverines from Michigan . The Buckeyes are big, dumb, and now, frighteningly enough, they are fast. Remember what the 1995 Cornhuskers did to us in the Fiesta Bowl? Imagine ifthey also had the ability to throw a forward pass. It would have been likegiving Sitting Bull assault rifles at Little Bighorn. That's what we are up against with the 2006 Ohio State Buckeyes. We are the treading water. They are JAWS. When they are done with us, send them to Iraq to quell the insurgency. The only good thing about this game is that it isn't in Florida . Because whenever Ohio State fans travel to a bowl game in the Sunbelt , they buyone-way tickets.
It's not that I don't like people from Ohio . It's just that now there are more people from Ohio in Florida than there arepeople from Ohio in Ohio . Our managing editor is from the Cleveland Plain Dealer. The reporter sittingnext to me went to Ohio University , as did one of our tourism reporters. For crying out loud, the last two Gators coaches came from Ohio ! It's like a non-stop Mariel Boat Lift. They flood across our borders, up to18 of them crammed in a single 1987 Plymouth Voyager. Sure must be some kind of hellhole up there.
Anyway, for those few people in Orlando who are not from Ohio , let me fill you in on the Buckeyes. Whereas Florida 's mascot is the alligator, a fierce, man-eating predator,Ohio State 's mascot is a tree nut, albeit a formidable one that could causeconsiderable gastric distress if eaten to excess. Before every game, a little man wearing a nut head and prison garb in Ohio State colors runs out on the field. He certainly is no Chief Osceola with a flaming spear. He's more likesomething you'd see on Sesame Street or Dora the Explorer. I dare say Albert the Alligator will keel over laughing when he sees him. But Nut Head whips those fans into a frenzy. It can be 10 degrees below zero but invariably four burly brutes will bare their jiggling man fat to reveal the letters OIOH.
Whereas we do the Gator Chomp and the 'Noles do the Tomahawk Chop, theBuckeyes do the Woody Punch. All this is why the standard retort of Michigan fans after Ohio State beatsthem is: "Oh yeah, we'll we play again next year but you'll always be dumb.' But they are making strides at Ohio State . They can write in cursive now. During the marching band routines at halftime, the tuba player has dotted the correct letter in Ohio three games in a row.
They've come up with a new degree program called "undeclared major'' that 39 players on the football team have enrolled in. And, as I previously mentioned, they now can be trained to throw thefootball. We are doomed. Art Schlichter offered me a 19-point spread and I didn't take it. Please have mercy on us, oh mighty Buckeyes.
Mike Thomas can be reached atmthomas@orlandosentinel.com or 407-420-5525.
posted by John Q. Public esq. at 4:20 PM
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